Greener Grass

Wow it has been so long! I really thought in my head it had only been about a month. I know I have said that very phase before, I'm having blogger deja-vu. Seriously though, I know that I'm bad at this and I know a lot of people have given up on me, but I'm still out here! So I hope you are still reading when these posts pop up! That is why the email feature is so cool! (hint)

I think part of my reluctance to write recently has mostly been lack of content. Moreover, lack of positive content. The honeymoon is definitely over, sad to say. I think we got a good five months out of it though, minus the very stressful moving time where we wanted to assassinate each other.

With the honeymoon over, we have slipped into the rut of everyday life together. Life consists of work, chores, sleep, repeat. Nothing tragic, just life. Repetitive, boring life. The bliss of domestic union and stability that so many people crave. I'm grateful for it, but I have found myself missing my more independent life recently. I come home from work and spend usually about two hours by myself. Those precious hours are usually spent doing chores. Chores that I was able to do on the weekend relatively quickly when it was just me. Once all these various annoyances are complete, we eat dinner together, and it's bed time. We might have a little time to read together, which I always enjoy. We haven't watched a movie together on a week night in probably months, let alone do anything slightly more exciting.

I have tried to find a balance between coupledom and the independent self I have been missing. This is hard to navigate, and I think coming out of an LDR makes it more complicated. I often still would prefer to spend time with Richard, after spending two years apart, but his work schedule makes that difficult. So I have tried to find a life for myself here, making and spending time with new friends rather than time alone at home. However, when these opportunities arise, the home duties get neglected. Last week I went to the movies with a co-worker and came home pretty late, which earned me the silent treatment when I slipped into bed and the next morning. Obviously that wasn't fair, and luckily he got over the slight he felt quickly, but it was food for thought for me about our dynamic and about our transition from LDR to non-distant relationship/cohabitation.

I think that I have gone from complaining about one situation to complaining about the other. I have contracted Richard's The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome. My focus for the immediate future will be to find more balance. I also need to find a way to not get exasperated by the monotony of everyday life.

But first, I have a large list of chores to do to prepare for his parent's arrival next week! They will be staying with us for three weeks, so there will be another long hiatus from blog updates, but I'm sure I will have lots to say after that! So until then, time to enjoy these green pastures.

Worth the Work

It is Sunday today. I am continuing to prepare for my exam, somewhat half-heartedly. I should be much more motivated than I am considering that keeping my job depends on me successfully passing the exam. But even that reality hasn't helped kick me into gear. I feel very distracted and somewhat depressed. I'm sure part of my low mood has to do with Richard being gone. He has been gone for a week now and is due home shortly and I am very excited to see him and hear about his time away. He was gone first for work and then a quick side trip to visit his newly engaged sister and brother-in-law to be. I feel like I haven't seen him in weeks considering the hours he was putting in before he left for the mainland. I feel anxious about seeing him again.

Today I was doing chores after studying all morning and I experienced a deep sense of loneliness. I truly felt like I am on an island (surprise!) Obviously metaphorically, although this happens to be literally true.

My chores today included ironing. I fucking hate ironing. So to make it less painful, I like to watch episodes of The Office. Today's episode was titled Business Trip, an episode from Season 5. In the episode Pam is in New York and Jim is still in Scranton and they have been long-distance for almost three months. Pam gets news that she is failing one of her courses and she will have to stay an additional three months. She is on the phone to Jim and she says, "Can we do this for another three months?" You can see the disappointment in Jim's eyes, but he offers reassurances. They end their phone call and Pam is sitting alone in tears. At the end of the episode Pam returns to Scranton, giving up her dreams of graphic design saying some dollop about how it turns out she doesn't like graphic design after all, and that she isn't returning just because she misses Jim. Man, this episode pissed me off.

I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. My first thought was "fuck, this isn't real life. People do things all the time that they don't want to do. They make it work." Then I thought, maybe it is real life. Maybe people give up their dreams all the time because they think they don't have another choice. They think that they can't make it work. And yet, how do they decide this without trying? I wonder if these are the people that end up filled with resentment, joining the ranks of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. Or maybe, they find acceptance in the life that they settled for. I'm not a regular viewer of The Office, but I know that Pam gets married, moves into a home with Jim, gets pregnant and seems satisfied with her receptionist job and the area in the garage that she can paint in. All thoughts of a career as an artist, her life in New York, gone. If this is a more accurate depiction of real life, I am glad that I lived in a dream world. I am glad that Richard and I were strong enough in our commitment to both be able to fulfill our career ambitions and responsibilities. And I know that we are not alone. I know that people in the military are challenged with distance constantly. I know people in industries like mining and off-shore drilling are separated from their partners regularly for long periods of time. It isn't ideal, but when you want something, you make it work. Or when you love your work, but you also love your spouse, you make it work. And all I know is that anything worth having requires work. So keep working it.

Ships that Pass in the Night

Sorry it has been so long since I've posted. The usual excuses apply. But thanks to all the people reading from BlogCatalog, I hope you keep reading!

Work was super crazy last week. I won't bore you all with the gory details, but I'm hoping it will be calmer in the coming weeks. I have scheduled to take my exam for Hawaii licensure, so my focus needs to be on preparing for that over the next three weeks. Yes, only three weeks. *Gulp* So posting may be few and far between now and May 21st, unless I start to feel uncharacteristically confident, or I just feel like procrastinating, like I am now.

As far as Richard and I go...well things could be better. Work has been really crazy for him too. Over the last two weeks we haven't spent more than a few hours of quality time together. He frequently works late, but the nights have been getting longer and longer. This past Thursday he got home from work at 1am Friday morning and was up again at 3:30am to head back into the office. I have expressed my concern for his mental and physical health, but I am also starting to feel resentful. I'm trying really hard not to though. I know how demanding his job is, and I need to focus on my work and my studying. I'm really trying to focus on studying, so having him gone is actually a blessing, but it is hard to see it that way. It is easy enough for me to distract myself without him here. Sadly, the fact remains that I do distract myself, with or without him here, so I would much prefer to have him here! At least then I would have a good excuse to not be studying! The bottom line is that I just miss him when he isn't around. He leaves again tomorrow for the mainland again for a week. I hope I take advantage of the time and get lots of studying done. I also hope I can sleep okay without him here and I also really hope that I don't sit around moping instead of studying while he is away. I really thought that we were done with all the missing.

The great part about us though is that we slip right back into place with each other. When he came home early (around 6) on Friday I had the saddest feeling when he first walked through the door that we were becoming strangers. I was surprised to see him so early, and then I felt sad that 6pm on a Friday is "early." We hadn't really talked in about a week but after settling in we got caught up with each other and had a nice night together. So although sometimes it feels like we are just passing ships, when we are finally docked together everything is peaceful in our worlds and I appreciate that, no matter how shortly it lasts.

Home

Wow how the heck did it become April 16th?! Time flies with a new job!

I'm happy to report that the new job is going much better. I have settled in more and I feel much more comfortable and confident. I even went to happy hour last night, so I think I am making what I hope to be the beginnings of some good friendships. It is amazing how much more at peace I feel! Being the new kid on the block again put me way out of my element. I forgot how scary change and uncertainty really are. I don't see how I could have possibly forgotten since November through March was pretty much change after change after stupid freakin' CHANGE! Sigh. At any rate, things have, I hope, finally settled down.

Settled. Down?

Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

What a roller-coaster it has been. I think I will have to adjust to settled because I have become so accustomed to change and chaos, which is why I forgot how scary and unnerving change can be! But it has all been worth it and I wouldn't change a moment of it because I'm so happy now. The last two and half years have been really, really hard. But to finally be settled down feels so good. I miss home everyday, but my home is with Richard, wherever that may be. So it is really, really nice to be home.

I need to do some gardening

With my first week of work under my belt, I'm feeling so many different emotions. I am so, so grateful to be back at work doing what I love. I am also remorseful that I didn't take better advantage of my time unemployed. I am pretty tired getting used to an early rising schedule again, while also maintaining the house. But most of all I really, really miss my people.

Richard was in Omaha last week and I missed him a lot. I wanted to blog about it, but I was too busy missing everyone else in my life, in addition to him. The best part about living apart from Richard for the past two years was my super solid support system. I had great girlfriends to go out with, I had great co-workers, I had an awesome place to live and an awesome job. I love it here, but I'm still not adjusted. I spent most of Richard's week away curled up on the couch terrified. There have been some druggie people spotted in the neighborhood, and some thefts as well, so every sound that went bump I was whipping my head towards the sound and examining every door and window. Which was often because we happened to have two uninvited furry friends rambling around a lot in the kitchen as soon as the sun went down! (They have safely vacated the premises!) I've never lived in such a big place, so it is taking a lot of getting used to. Back home, if Richard was gone for the week I would have packed the week full of dates with my friends and would have been excited to have some time to myself. Here, I had dates with two rats, frozen pizzas, a pissed off bunny and "The Office." I missed him intensely every night.

The job is great so far, it feels refreshing to be working again, but I really miss my co-workers. I don't think I will fit in very well with the people I now work closely with, and that sucks after developing such strong connections with all my previous co-workers. I was really counting on working being my avenue for finding social connections, and now I just don't think it is going to happen. But I am definitely going to try. There is a really nice girl, seems close to my age, from New York that invited me to a Hula class on Monday night. Too bad she works in a different building than I do, but I am definitely taking her up on the invite. There maybe some dinner dates and happy hours in my future after all, so fingers crossed.

Richard has some pretty cool co-workers, but the couple that we like the best are moving back to the mainland next week, so I am also pretty sad about that too. I will definitely miss those two. So that leaves Richard and I being each other's sole (local) support system at the minute. So far, so good. I love having dinner with him after work every night. I think we have transitioned out of the honeymooning, but we are comfortably content. We are in a full blown "Lost" addiction. We are about to finish Season Four, so I don't know what we are going to do with ourselves once we are all caught up on the show, but it has been very fun getting into it together. All in all everything is really, really good. But I am missing my friends. Filled one hole only to create another. And the thing is, with these kind of holes, you can't just fill them in with anything. Some things, some people, are simply irreplaceable. So instead of looking for some filler, I have to start looking for some seeds to plant, and hopefully some new ties will grow.

Riding the Employment Rollercoaster

I have been thinking about this post for over a week now. It is amazing how much things can change in just a week's time. Given the recent changes, this is going to be a long one, so get comfortable.

Originally this post was going to be about my adjustment personally here in Hawaii. Mainly my adjustment to being unemployed. I will start there anyway because I think it might help people understand more about who I am and why staying at my job in Northern California was so important to me. Basically we arrived in Hawaii on January 22nd and I started looking for work as soon as possible. As soon as possible wasn't as soon as I would have liked. In our first hotel here the internet was an extra $15 dollars a day, so I was limited to trips to Starbuck's at first. Which worked out fine because there was not a whole lot of jobs posted. At this point, I had already been unemployed for a month and I was starting to get antsy. My savings was dwindling and I was bored. What complicated the search obviously was the more important task of finding a place to live.

We found our place the first week of February, so I was able to completely focus on finding a job once that was finalized. By this time we were in hotel number 2, which had free internet access. Although that upped the convenience factor, that didn't solve the problem that there was a lack of jobs posted. I cannot tell you how many resumes I sent out, but I was getting discouraged rapidly. I received three rejections before I received any interviews. I was convinced I had a blatant spelling error in my resume and this was causing my failure. I poured over that document again and again and had others edit it too for good measure. No errors could be found. The reality of the economic crisis and high unemployment rate began to seep in. No matter how perfect (or overqualified in many cases) I was for the job, there was someone out there who was a better candidate.

This kind of negative thinking led me to believe that I needed to broaden my search horizons. I told myself once I was licensed here I would have better luck finding work in my field, and until then, I needed to get humble and look at other options. Which led me to apply for the veterinarian clinic. I was hesitant at first to accept the job once it was offered because the pay was literally less than the minimum wage in San Francisco. But I had to try. I knew that if I didn't try and I continued to be unemployed for another month or two that I would be filled with regret. I couldn't face the prospect of continuing to earn nothing rather than earning something, even if that something was below the national poverty line. Okay not really, but accepting a 60% pay cut sure does feel like you are encroaching on the poverty line.

So I went for it and I started at the veterinarian hospital on February 22nd. Our one month anniversary in Hawaii and just over 60 days unemployed. It took me about four hours to regret the decision. I didn't agree with a lot of their practices, including not encouraging spaying and neutering and keeping animals alive that were clearly suffering and should have been euthanized. I also didn't like seeing my name scheduled for every Saturday for two months when I was told working Saturdays was "once in awhile." I also wasn't told that when the hospital had animals boarding, we had to come in and walk them on Saturdays and Sundays. And boarding was fully booked every weekend for the foreseeable future. In a nut shell, I felt bamboozled.

So my plan of action was to continue to job hunt while trying to stick it out. I liked working with the animals and the people seemed nice. Keyword: seemed. By week two it dawned on me that not one of the seven other employees had made any effort to get to know me. They didn't ask me where I was from, what I did for work before, why I had moved to Hawaii, nothing. They talked a whole lot about themselves though. I continued to send out resumes and was finally starting to get some feedback. I scheduled interviews on my weekday off.

Then a job came up with MADD. I was called for an interview and I was told I would know either way by the end of the following week. The interview went really well and I was really sure the job was mine. However, by the end of week two at the veterinary clinic it became clear the job was not mine, and I was devastated. No one asked me what was wrong, which solidified to me that I did not fit in with this group.

So Monday of my third week I walked in to find my time sheet changed without my consent docking me 30 minutes of pay. 30 minutes of which I was there, working. Walking dogs, getting peed on and picking up poop. I would be damned if that was going to fly. I asked the supervisor about it and her response was to take me outside and tell me that the others were complaining about my bad attitude and basically asking me to resign. If I hadn't resigned it was clear that I was now in a hostile working environment, and that wasn't worth nine bucks an hour. So I mustered what dignity I had left and went home.

That was March 8th. I had two more interviews on March 9th, so I was feeling like things were going to be okay. By March 13th I was back to being discouraged. No new job postings, no responses from the interviews and already a failed job under my belt. But this is when things get interesting.

On Sunday Richard and I went with our landlords/neighbors to the Byodo-In Temple. The temple is just up the road from our home and we were planning on checking it out, so we happily joined them. When we arrived they led us to a large bell where you could make an offering and ring the bell and say a prayer. They shared with us what they wanted to pray about and other times in the past that they had come and prayed and their prayers were answered. I left an offering, lit a candle, lit incense and rang the giant bell and prayed to Jesus, Buddah and the universe to give me a job! We then went into the gift shop where they sell lots of touristy trinkets. We came upon some lucky coins that are suppose to bring good fortune. Our guides told us about their own experiences with their lucky coin, including receiving raises and getting free car registration, just to name a few. Richard has one of these coins from his Grandfather from Asia from WWII that we have tied to my own lucky coin and have shared over the last eight years. Usually it has brought us a lot of luck when we wear it around our necks, but she said to put it in my wallet.

On Monday I had some errands to run including a trip to the licensing board and a trip to a different veterinarian, Maggie had hurt her back toe and it became infected. I got home late in the afternoon to find a job posted for a therapist in a dual diagnosis treatment center. They had posted an ad for a house manager which I had applied to the week before so I thought well if they wanted me they would have already contacted me. But I had to try again, it was just to perfect to ignore. I resent my resume that evening. The program director called me at 8am on Tuesday for an interview at 11:30. I made sure to put the lucky coin in my wallet before I went. She offered me the job right then and there pending my background and reference checks. I took care of the background check that afternoon and she talked to my previous supervisor, and I had the job two hours later. They are paying me the same as what I was earning in California and I will receive a raise once I earn my Hawaii license. Needless to say, I am now a firm believer in the power of that coin.

So after a total of three months unemployed, I will once again be gainfully employed, and I am so relieved. Staying at home is wonderful, but it just isn't good for me. I wasn't really able to enjoy it, I just stared at craigslist all day trying to will a job to be posted. Giving up my job in Northern California and moving to Southern California would have resulted in me being filled with regret and resentment if I had remained unemployed for three months or longer. And it isn't just me. Richard isn't keen on working his tail off to give someone else a free ride. So I am eternally grateful that we made the decisions we did make, otherwise it might have cost us a lot more than two years living independently, and I am confident we wouldn't be together in Hawaii right now.

I guess the moral of the story is to trust your gut, don't sell yourself short, and have faith in the power of the universe, it knows what it is doing.

Sound Sleeper

I have been trying to think of something interesting to write about, but I am having a hard time coming up with something that seems like it would be interesting to others. But then I remembered that everything doesn't have to be a juicy, soap opera drama. People will read because they are interested in an update, even if the content seems boring or uneventful. So here is the best update I can come up with for now.

Richard and I are definitely in a honeymoon phase. I wonder how many honeymoon phases one relationship is entitled to? Obviously, I think surviving a long-distance relationship entitles you to an additional honeymoon phase. Like a buy one, get one free or a get-out-of-jail free card. Because surviving a long-distance relationship is no easy feat. So this honeymoon phase is two-years in the making and it is well deserved. So I think it should last for two years, although I doubt we are that lucky. No matter how long it lasts, it has been great and I am planning on enjoying it while it lasts.

One reason I know we are in the honeymoon phase is because of how well we are both sleeping. I cannot remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up more than once. Since we have been in our new home in Hawaii I have slept better than I have in years. I have slept like the dead. If I wake up at all, which is now a rarity rather than a given, I fall right back asleep. I was wondering why my sleep patterns would change so drastically. There are obvious reasons including a less stressful job, living in a peaceful area, non-severe (i.e. Bay Area) weather changes. It could just be the distance from our loud, nocturnal pet rabbit. But I like to think it can be chocked up to the end of the LDR.

There have been mornings this past month where I have woken up in the most uncomfortable position, with a full grown man snoring loudly in my ear and practically laying entirely on top of me. Sounds unpleasant and uncomfortable, but I woke up feeling fully rested, with a stupid smile on my face. Living alone I fell asleep every night wishing he was there. That can't make for restful sleep. I'm sure the consistent weather and serene atmosphere help, but I really do think the biggest contributor to the change is the peaceful heart and spirit I seem to have now that we are living together again.

Sleep is so important to general health and mental health that I really hope this trend lasts. In the mean time, I am not going to keep trying to figure out why it is happening, I am just going to enjoy it and appreciate it. And I really, really appreciate it. I got so used to sleeping poorly I forgot how wonderful it is to sleep well. I am also going to stop wondering how long this honeymoon phase is going to last and just focus on enjoying every minute of it. Including the restful nights.