And all I see is black.
So as many of you may have already heard, Richard is currently in Chicago. He has been there since last Sunday. He is there for work, preparing an estimate for a bid on a waste water treatment plant. The bid is this coming Tuesday. Richard and some of his co-workers were sent to Chicago to assist in the estimating and bidding because they are the district with the most experience in building waste water treatment plants. Sounds good so far right? So what’s the problem? The problem is that if they get the bid, Richard has agreed to move to Chicago for the project. That, my friends, is the problem.
There is a good chance that they will not get the bid, and I will hopefully be able to post such good news next time. They have not won a bid in a very long time. However, there is a chance that they will get the bid, and that leaves us…where? I do not know where it leaves us, but it leaves me gazing into the tunnel, and seeing no light whatsoever.
I am not in a place in my career where I can pack up and move to Chicago. I am in California until I am licensed, bottom line. I am not sure how long this will take, but I am doing the best that I can to make it happen as soon as possible. But even if a miracle occurred, and somehow I woke up tomorrow with my MFT license, I am not entirely sure that I would want to re-locate to Chicago. I am sure it is a fine city, but I have never been. I am not inclined to uproot my life and relocate to a place I have not even visited. A place where neither of us have friends or family, a place where my career options are less then ideal. Where the winters are cold and severe and intimidating to this California girl. Where my only social connection would be my partner, who I barely see because of the demanding and intense work hours required in heavy construction. I do not exactly have fond memories of the last waste water treatment plant building experience. Richard worked at least one Saturday per month. He frequently left for work before the sun was up, and returned from work long after the sun set, practically catatonic. He had barely enough energy to eat and crawl to bed, let alone maybe have a conversation or catch a movie. So this brings me back to my original question, this leaves us where?
Even if they do not get the Chicago bid, I am not sure where we are right now, or where we are headed. I believe our last stints long distance were much more manageable because there was an ending. There was a plan. There was something to countdown to. I used to love marking days off the calendar. I had calendars everywhere! I had a countdown on the dry-erase board in the kitchen. I had a wall calendar, a desk calendar, a planner, a calendar in my notebook for school. And I took great comfort, pleasure, and excitement in crossing off those days as they ticked by.
Now, I cross the days off with an enormous sense of sadness. It has been nearly 11 months that we have been apart. And I have no clue when it might end. I really need to see that hint of light soon.
