Something knocks the wind out of me.
Richard just returned from Chicago on Tuesday. I was relieved that he was home and looking forward to falling back into some semblance of a routine together. Then he announced non-chalantly that he was moving to Kansas "for a month or two" on Friday afternoon. Air rapidly escaping lungs.
Okay, time for me to try to untangle this. I think what bothers me so much about this is his attitude that these kinds of changes should have no impact on me. Maybe they shouldn't, maybe I am overreacting, maybe I shouldn't have felt like I got punched in the gut. But to me, moving 1500 miles farther away, even though it is temporary, is a big deal.
I think the second reason I am so destabilized is that this solidifies that he has no intention of taking any action to try to bring us together sooner rather then later (i.e. job hunting!). That is probably the biggest blow to me. Being in a LDR is a two-lane highway. It takes two people to make it work and two people to work towards reuniting. I know I may have to move and quit my job and forfeit everything I have established here. However, whenever I talk about that, he stops me and says he does not want me to quit or lose what I have here. He talked non-stop over Labor Day weekend about finding a job here, and maybe even being up here as soon as Thanksgiving, and no action has been taken to follow up on those musings.
The third reason I am upset about this news is that we now have a time difference to navigate with already busy schedules. Anyone that has ever had to navigate a time difference will know how frustrating this can be. Thank God it is only two hours, but that two hours can still make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of our conversations, which have already been suffering for a long time. Not only that, but now it is a new routine to try to figure out. Bedtime for him may be before I even arrive home some evenings, so squeezing in a conversation that actually feels like we are connecting is going to be a challenge, especially since he refuses to use other modes of communicating because of his work schedule. And once we finally have it figured out, he will be back in Orange County, and then possibly moving to Victorville. Do we know when? No. No dates are set. No plans can be made. This will no doubt be another bomb dropped on me that I apparently am not entitled to have any feelings about.
So as I type, Richard is somewhere between Las Vegas and Denver heading towards Kansas City (yes by car, no less.) I basically feel like I have slowly lost my primary support person. I am lucky to have a strong support system that absorbed the brunt of the loss as it has progressed, but I just don't think that is a good sign for us in the long run. We are in desperate need of a plan, and that may be the topic of conversation over our visit next weekend. So more to come after that. For now, I will focus on breathing.
2 comments:
Oh, god. FAIL.
jesus, i'm sorry. what a shitstorm. it's the same with me... the lack of a plan, of anything solid, makes me batty. it's a good thing that your job is so stable and supportive, so at least you have something to help you through the... wait. backspace, delete, backspace, delete, etc.
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