Just to clear the air...

I know I said at the end of my last post that I would be doing a post on flexibility. I have to procrastinate on that post because it has come to my attention that my blog has become a bit out of balanced, meaning I have vented a lot of negativity, and have not kept the dignity meant for this space. It seems that when I really got rolling writing this blog, it was a time of another transition for Richard and I, and a lot of my frustrations were expressed here. I want this space to continue to be what I intended. I want it to be honest, I don't want it to be censored. I want it to be a place where people can come and see that they are not alone in their feelings of frustration, anger, loneliness, jealousy, confusion, etc. So I will continue to discuss those feelings as they arise, and I will continue to use self-disclosure as the best tool I know to really explore these situations and feelings. However, this is NOT my Richard-bashing blog. I love him. I wouldn't be trying to do this if I didn't. I wouldn't be trying to help others get along in their relationship if I didn't think my own relationship was amazing and so totally worth the heart-ache, irritation, etc. I wish there was a way that he could incorporate his side of things, and maybe that is something I will try to do on the blog in the future. But since he can't, all you get for now is my side. Which, I admit, can be harsh. I will not censor myself. I want the passion of my feelings to still be there, that is the point of all of this. And lets be honest, the passion is what keeps it interesting. But I also know whole-heartedly that I am not without fault, and I will try to be accountable when I have the insight. So here is a small effort at some accountability. I can be reactive. I can be stubborn. I can be insistent. I am sensitive. I over think things. I have a low self-esteem at times, that contributes to my crazy making thoughts. I do not adjust easily to changes, which is why there was a number of posts that were rants from me since Richard moved to Kansas so abruptly, and I felt invalidated by that whole process. And like I said, these situations are going to continue to come up, and I will continue to have strong emotional reactions to them. This is who I am, and Richard knows that. Things will continue to upset us both as we continue to try to navigate this the best way we know how. But I am going to try to be mindful of keeping some balance and displaying integrity here. So to begin to create that balance and integrity, this is my why I love Richard post!

I don't even know where to start. Richard has been a constant presence in my life for the last six and a half years. Since the first day I met him, I haven't stopped thinking about him. He is always there. And I love it. I never get tired of wondering about him. What he is thinking, what he is working on, what he is having for lunch, if he is in a happy mood, if he slept well; it just goes on and on. I thought it would let up once we lived together, but it didn't. I love him because he is loyal, trust worthy, honest. He makes me laugh. He is determined. He is successful and frighteningly intelligent. He can do just about anything, and from the first time he does it, he does it well. He supports me in everything I do, even this. Nothing can make me smile more then his smile or laugh. If I am interested in something, he will learn about it. As much as I complain about his stubborn streak, and how quick he is to say something without thinking, those are parts of him that I also love, respect and appreciate. He is an incredible, completely unique human being, and he continues to be the best part of my day, everyday.

So I hope that clears up any confusion that there may have been. And I hope it is a good start to restore some balance here. Just a brief update, Richard has been in Omaha this week, but should be returning to Kansas, maybe today or tomorrow. Not really sure. I still don't know when I will see him next. He has to figure out moving out of his Orange County house, since it looks like he will be in Kansas for a bit longer. So that complicates our planning. He probably won't be joining me in my upcoming San Diego trip, to see my family for the holidays, so I know they are sad about that. Then we are off to see his friends and family and both of our homelands on December 19th! As for me, I am looking forward to a guaranteed good time this weekend, heading out to Vegas for a girl's trip, with some of my best girls. Viva Las Vegas, let the good times roll. And all the while, you know who will be in my head!