I am no mathematician. Anyone that knows me well knows this to be true. I cannot figure out how much to tip a cab driver, and I can barely keep my checking account from getting withdrawn. But I decided to attempt the daunting task of figuring out exactly how many times I actually saw Richard in 2008. Sounds boring? It probably is, but they say you can't argue with numbers, so here goes.
Out of 366 days in 2008, I saw Richard 84 days. That may sound like a lot, but when you break it down into a percentage, that is 23% (.229 to be exact). That isn't even a quarter! When you break it down into weekends, we spent 21 weekends together, 37% of all possible weekends. These are numbers that I am not happy about.
In discussing LDRs with my friends at work earlier this week, I came to the depressing conclusion that I have no perks in my life. I live a life that is similar to that of a single person. I can go out when I want, come home when I want. No one leaves the kitchen cabinets open, or the toilet seat up or smelly socks all over the place. But I don't have any of the perks of being single. I don't get to flirt, I don't get drinks bought for me, and I don't meet new and interesting people in the dating scene. And I go to bed alone 282 nights per year.
And on the flip side, I don't have the perks of being in a relationship. I don't have a date to my holiday party tonight. I don't have someone to hug when I need to, to have everyday romance with. I don't get to say good morning or good night to the person I love. I have someone I talk to almost everyday, but that I only get to touch 84 times in a year.
So my conclusion is that LDRs are a form of self-hate. True masochistic (see second definition) torture. I suppose the payoff is in the end, but with no end in sight, it is hard to not get demoralized.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Welcome to the 21st Century!
We got web cams! So I guess I will give a little background before I gush about our leap into the technology of 2000.
When Richard and I were first apart way back in 2002-2004 I'm fairly sure web cams were available. But Richard didn't have his own computer, so he did all his emailing from school or a roommate's computer. I had good old fashioned dial-up Net Zero. Am I taking you all back or what? No Ethernet, no broadband, no DSL, no cable Internet. This was the Internet of old where you could actually hear your modem dialing up. It took three minutes just to open an email. And you could only save about 100 messages in your hotmail account. Forget about downloading music, watching movies, or emailing pictures. Besides, neither of us had a digital camera anyway. So web cams and video chats were way out of our starving student tech reach.
Flash forward to 2005-2006. Richard and I are living together, but he is now separated from his family and friends. I hear about this service called Skype and I tell Richard about it and suggest we get a web cam that he can use to talk to his family for free! Well, he doesn't heed my advice and we continue to live in the 21st Century Stone Age.
Fast forward to January 2009. Richard hears from an old friend living in Malaysia who is all about the Skype. So Richard gets a web cam, and has a blast talking not only to his friend, but his parents too! I'm in, so last night I went to Radio Shack and got myself a little $30 web cam, microphone built-in. Before 8pm last night, Richard and I were video chatting away on Skype. You can also do free video chatting on Gmail, which I am also all about. So basically, I just want to say that this is great, and I'm really annoyed that it took us over a year to take this step. Obviously, it is nowhere near as good as seeing him in person and being able to touch him, but being able to see him laugh and smile is a huge improvement. Plus, we will be able to better read each other's non-verbal communication. So every time I say, "I'm fine" when I'm really pissed off, he will be able to tell that I'm really not fine! Also, being able to see each other reinforces the connection. Typically during our evening chats, we would talk for about 15 to 30 minutes max. Normally the conversations would go something like this: hi, how are you, fine, how was your day, fine, what are you doing, nothing, going to bed, talk to you tomorrow good night. Last night we talked for over an hour! And it was really hard to hang-up! I'm sure as with all things the novelty will wear off, but I'm stoked and I implore everyone to get with the times! What DID we do before free video chat?
When Richard and I were first apart way back in 2002-2004 I'm fairly sure web cams were available. But Richard didn't have his own computer, so he did all his emailing from school or a roommate's computer. I had good old fashioned dial-up Net Zero. Am I taking you all back or what? No Ethernet, no broadband, no DSL, no cable Internet. This was the Internet of old where you could actually hear your modem dialing up. It took three minutes just to open an email. And you could only save about 100 messages in your hotmail account. Forget about downloading music, watching movies, or emailing pictures. Besides, neither of us had a digital camera anyway. So web cams and video chats were way out of our starving student tech reach.
Flash forward to 2005-2006. Richard and I are living together, but he is now separated from his family and friends. I hear about this service called Skype and I tell Richard about it and suggest we get a web cam that he can use to talk to his family for free! Well, he doesn't heed my advice and we continue to live in the 21st Century Stone Age.
Fast forward to January 2009. Richard hears from an old friend living in Malaysia who is all about the Skype. So Richard gets a web cam, and has a blast talking not only to his friend, but his parents too! I'm in, so last night I went to Radio Shack and got myself a little $30 web cam, microphone built-in. Before 8pm last night, Richard and I were video chatting away on Skype. You can also do free video chatting on Gmail, which I am also all about. So basically, I just want to say that this is great, and I'm really annoyed that it took us over a year to take this step. Obviously, it is nowhere near as good as seeing him in person and being able to touch him, but being able to see him laugh and smile is a huge improvement. Plus, we will be able to better read each other's non-verbal communication. So every time I say, "I'm fine" when I'm really pissed off, he will be able to tell that I'm really not fine! Also, being able to see each other reinforces the connection. Typically during our evening chats, we would talk for about 15 to 30 minutes max. Normally the conversations would go something like this: hi, how are you, fine, how was your day, fine, what are you doing, nothing, going to bed, talk to you tomorrow good night. Last night we talked for over an hour! And it was really hard to hang-up! I'm sure as with all things the novelty will wear off, but I'm stoked and I implore everyone to get with the times! What DID we do before free video chat?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Back to life
Hello out there and Happy New Year! It has been a long week readjusting back to real life. Richard and I were away for the Christmas holidays. We had a really splendid time. I could gush about it, but I'm trying to focus on getting used to the idea that we are apart again. This past week was the first week back to work, and back to being apart. It wasn't too bad of a transition after spending two solid weeks together. But it wasn't a good one, if there is such a thing.
I don't know really how to express this, but I find myself obsessing a lot. Always checking my phone and refreshing my email. I think part of it is that I know he isn't available for texting or emailing during the day, which results in me wanting it more. Which I guess is a fairly normal response. Tell me I can't have something and I want it that much more. It starts to seem like if I don't get that thing, I may not survive. But the truth is, I do survive. Our relationship survives without flooding each other's respective in boxes. Little expressions of what is our repetitive daily condition. Why do I crave it so much? There really isn't a need for status updates. I love him. I miss him. He loves and misses me. It isn't like the more I say it, or the more I hear it or read it, the less I miss him or the more I love him. The feelings remain the same.
Somehow though, the fact remains that I do want to hear from him more often. Not seeing him everyday really leaves a void. I want to try to fill it by hearing from him more than just our goodnight chat. I want to hear from him throughout the day. I want to know he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him. Would I want the contact as much as I do if it became routine? I can't answer that. I know I do notice it when I do receive a text or an email from him every once in a while during the work day. Whenever I complain about this to Richard, his response is, "what did we do before text?" The funny part is that before text we emailed every day and wrote letters. Doesn't really help his argument. At any rate, I think I am accepting that our relationship is what it is. I'm going to work on checking my phone less. I am also going to work on taking care of myself this year. My New Year's Resolutions are to: get into therapy as soon as possible, study and pass both of my licensing exams before the end of the year, and take better care of my health.
As far as our relationship goes, I don't know what the future will hold. Richard is back in Kansas until at earliest middle of February. He does not know when he will be back, or where he will be back to. He has no home in Southern California now. All of his belongings were moved to storage. So whatever the transition will be, it will not be an easy one for either of us. I just received an email from him that his employer is looking for some volunteer's to move to Guam. Guam!?! Yes, Guam. Looks like 2009 may have more upheaval than 2008. The good news is, whatever it is, we will get through it together.
I don't know really how to express this, but I find myself obsessing a lot. Always checking my phone and refreshing my email. I think part of it is that I know he isn't available for texting or emailing during the day, which results in me wanting it more. Which I guess is a fairly normal response. Tell me I can't have something and I want it that much more. It starts to seem like if I don't get that thing, I may not survive. But the truth is, I do survive. Our relationship survives without flooding each other's respective in boxes. Little expressions of what is our repetitive daily condition. Why do I crave it so much? There really isn't a need for status updates. I love him. I miss him. He loves and misses me. It isn't like the more I say it, or the more I hear it or read it, the less I miss him or the more I love him. The feelings remain the same.
Somehow though, the fact remains that I do want to hear from him more often. Not seeing him everyday really leaves a void. I want to try to fill it by hearing from him more than just our goodnight chat. I want to hear from him throughout the day. I want to know he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him. Would I want the contact as much as I do if it became routine? I can't answer that. I know I do notice it when I do receive a text or an email from him every once in a while during the work day. Whenever I complain about this to Richard, his response is, "what did we do before text?" The funny part is that before text we emailed every day and wrote letters. Doesn't really help his argument. At any rate, I think I am accepting that our relationship is what it is. I'm going to work on checking my phone less. I am also going to work on taking care of myself this year. My New Year's Resolutions are to: get into therapy as soon as possible, study and pass both of my licensing exams before the end of the year, and take better care of my health.
As far as our relationship goes, I don't know what the future will hold. Richard is back in Kansas until at earliest middle of February. He does not know when he will be back, or where he will be back to. He has no home in Southern California now. All of his belongings were moved to storage. So whatever the transition will be, it will not be an easy one for either of us. I just received an email from him that his employer is looking for some volunteer's to move to Guam. Guam!?! Yes, Guam. Looks like 2009 may have more upheaval than 2008. The good news is, whatever it is, we will get through it together.
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