Always missing...

I have been putting off this post because it isn't a very positive one. I thought if I gave it some time, my attitude would improve. Maybe my outlook would change. But alas, I continue to reside in the bitter barn.

Valentine's weekend overall was okay. Richard and I were in a knock-down drag out fight within about 15 minutes of seeing each other, which is not like us at all. In fact, we have never been in an argument that involved that much shouting. I can't even really recall how it escalated so dramatically and so quickly, but it did. So that poisoned the weekend a bit. We managed to have a decent time at his work event on Friday, by just putting it all behind us. Not the best approach, because nothing was resolved, and the hurt lingers. I still have bitter feelings about things that were said. Saturday spent with my parents was not as painful as I was anticipating. But I didn't get to see my friends, which is the best part of going to San Diego for me. I ended up coming home on Sunday because Richard had to return to Kansas on Sunday, since his job does not honor President's Day as a holiday. That also dampened the weekend. Cutting short what was a long weekend for me.

Despite having seen each other, I reverted right back in to MISSING. I was missing him the minute I stepped foot out of the rental car. Pining, in fact. I am ALWAYS missing. I miss him. I miss sex. I miss companionship. I miss going places together. I miss waking up in the same bed. I miss laughing together instead of always talking about something serious. I feel like I am missing out on a lot that being in a relationship is all about. I am a missing person. But not in the milk carton sense.

The latest is that he is leaving Kansas this weekend. We have plans to meet up in New Mexico to explore Santa Fe, which we have always wanted to do. But I am not holding my breath and am not going to be excited to see him until I am on the plane on Friday. After that, he will be back in SoCal for five months to train new employees before being placed on a job. Five months doesn't sound too bad. However, he was only supposed to be in Kansas for one month. So five months later, I am not confident that five months will not somehow turn into ten months. They just won a bid for a big job in Los Angeles, which is really good news. They are also working on bids for jobs in Anaheim, Blythe, Montana, Guam and possibly a big job right here in the Bay, which I am obviously the biggest fan of. Which naturally means it won't happen. That would just be too easy. So that is it for now. I am going to go and try to find the will to get out of the bitter barn and take a roll in the hay.

No news is good news

Or in this case, no news is pretty much no news. It has been some time since I have been able to post. Mostly that is due to the fact that there really hasn't been much to say. It is also due to how busy I have been recently. I knew that in January I would be finishing up the 3000 required hours of experience that must be completed prior to commencing the testing process for the California MFT license. So the last few weeks have passed with me stressing out about getting all the paperwork together to prove that I completed my hours and mail the application to the licensing board, which was finally accomplished last Thursday. That is good news. That is the only good news.
Richard was supposedly moving back to SoCal this week, but of course that has changed. He will be returning back to Kansas after his employer's annual meeting/party this weekend. Which means I have one less night with him this weekend. The sad part is, I don't even feel all that disappointed. I am used to being let down when it his employer has any influence. And they seem to have a lot of influence.
The other bad news is that instead of spending Saturday night in his new living space, we will be spending it with my parents in San Diego. Yes that is correct, Valentine's night spent in a twin bed in my parents home. So I'm pretty much set up for the worst Valentine's night in history. Which at least means they can only get better from this point on!
Our visit over Superbowl weekend was unremarkable. Besides the Pittsburgh Steelers becoming the first team to ever win six championships. That was pretty remarkable. And Richard, who despises all things sports, watched the whole game with me! And he even cheered a few times, which I greatly appreciated. That too was remarkable I suppose.
I hope that I don't sound too dismal. It is just that life in the LDR is a bit dismal at the minute. Richard is worried about job security, as many folks are in this economy. I am worried about passing my licensing exam, so I am trying to spend the majority of my free times studying. Which I am finding more and more difficult to do. Turns out my attention span isn't what is was when I was a graduate student five years ago, and it wasn't much to speak of back then. So we don't have much to talk about when we do talk. Although I must reiterate how fun Skype can be. It is great hearing his voice AND getting to see his face!
I just think that I have come to an impasse of sorts. I'm getting to the point where it is safer to not be excited about things because I save myself from the heart-wrenching disappointment. Maybe the stress of my application and exam has replaced the stress of my LDR. For example, we are seeing each other this weekend, but we have no plans to see each other after that. In the past, I would be crawling with anxiety wanting to get a flight booked so that we can see each other as soon as possible, for a reasonable fare. After all, there is much more than just the emotional cost of an LDR (maybe that can be my next attempt at a statistics post). But at this point, I just feel a bit numb to the whole thing. Maybe one of these days I will have some good news to report. Until then, I'm hitting the books and hopefully having a good time this coming weekend.