The Fear Factor

A friend of mine requested that I tackle this topic, and when she said it, I immediately realized how truly fitting this post was for this week.

For those of you that are in or have been in a LDR, you may know what I am about to describe. Picture it: you have been apart from your partner. Separated due to extenuating circumstances from your lover, your best friend, your support system. Maybe it has been a few months, maybe it has even been years. And finally, the time has come. The hours, days, weeks and months have passed. You have drawn a line through each small square on the calendar. The day has finally arrived. Maybe you are at the airport. Maybe you are at home. You are going to see that person's face in the flesh for the first time in far too long. The anticipation, the joy, the rapture...

THE FEAR!

That's right, you did not misread. The gut-wrenching, palm sweating, speech stammering kind. And let me tell you, it is intense. I will never forget the two (yes, TWO) times I stood in the international terminal at LAX. The first time was in June 2003 and we had been apart for six months. Six months that felt like six years when you are 23. I had bought a new dress, new purse, new necklace and new bracelet. I wanted to look perfect. I had cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, it looked like no one had ever lived there. I had been up for hours. I got to the airport nearly an hour early, after all, I sure did not want to get stuck in LA traffic on such an important day! I forgot to account for baggage claim and clearing customs. I must have stood in that terminal sweating and trembling for close to two and a half hours. Putting someone that is already mildly anxious in that kind of anxiety provoking situation is a bad recipe. I had imagined every dreadful, catastrophic outcome you could imagine. From "what if he doesn't think I am pretty anymore?" to "oh my God oh my God oh my God, what if he just turns around and books a flight home?" to "OH MY GOD HE DID NOT EVEN GET ON THE PLANE!" since of course it seemed as though he was the last one to come around that corner. But when he did and when we hugged, all doubts were gone. That is, until we got in the car. Silences seemed long. Then we arrived home and the thoughts returned. The scariest thought of all: "my god, what if this doesn't work?" And that is a scary feeling.

You would figure it would be a little easier the second time around in August 2004, this time after nine months apart. But no. I was still at the airport too early, I was still an anxious, shaky, sweaty mess, and I was still so scared that there was a possibility that I had invested so much time, money, and pain for nothing. And that time was even more scary because we had a Vegas wedding planned a month later. And we had never lived in the same city for more than three months, let alone the same small apartment. But you all know how that turned out.

So why is this subject pertinent this week? Fast forward five years. It's July 31, 2009. And I had a job interview today. In Long Beach. And I am terrified.

I know deep down that Richard and I are solid. No question about that. But changing jobs, moving back to Southern California, and living together again....under one roof...without another roof to return to...with one bathroom...and one closet! I need to take some deep breaths into a paper bag!

Change in general is scary. But change that directly impacts your primary relationship and the means in which you support yourself, that is just big. It is hard to really put into words. I know Richard and I get along great. I know we aren't in danger of splitting up, which was more what the fear was about in 2003 and 2004. But I know this isn't going to be an easy transition for us. I'm afraid that we won't be as happy for a bit. That the transition will cause stress and will affect us and our mutual happiness, which has been pretty high lately. That his job will move him and the honeymoon will be short lived. But what is life if you don't take some risks? And so far, all the "risks" I have taken on Richard have proven to be well worth it.

I guess the moral of the story is to forget the fear and take the plunge. If the result turns out to not be the one you wanted, it is better to know sooner rather than later. And as for me, I guess I should just wait and see what this job has to say before I start breathing into the paper bag.

The Question of Faith

Today I thought I would tackle a big subject. I was thinking about writing about this topic earlier in the week, but then I had a conversation with Richard and it sealed the deal. Someone close to him recently was informed that his partner had been unfaithful. I know the topic of fidelity has come up between Richard and myself. And it has certainly come up in discussions with other people when they find out I am in a long-distance relationship. So I thought I would share some thoughts and experiences.

First things first, a disclaimer. I am only an expert on my own experience. What works for me does not work for everyone and vice versa. I know there are couples out there that can make open relationships or polyamorous relationships work. If they can, more power to them. I know that I could not make that work. I am not being judgemental of anyone else's relationship choice, just as I would hope they would not be judgmental of mine.

The problem is, people are judgemental. They take stereotypes and they run with them. Or they take their own experiences and attempt to globalize to others. I have experienced this first hand when I tell people that I am in a long-distance relationship. I don't have this experience as much now that I am seeing Richard more frequently but when we spent the better part of two years apart, almost every person I talked to seemed to have the same questions and reactions. How long have you been apart? Are you seeing other people? No. Oh. Hmm.

They didn't always come right out and say it, but they didn't have to. I could see it all over their face. I could practically hear the conclusions coming from their mind. The pity. The verdict that I must be naive. Maybe I wasn't cheating, but he sure as heck was. Guys can't go for that long without sex. I used to walk away from those conversations feeling disturbed, sometimes even suspicious of my partner. I know Richard had similar experiences. But somehow, deep down, I never really doubted him. Sometimes I required some reassurances, but I don't think that is unique to long-distance relationships.

Now all these years later I can say with confidence that Richard has been and is faithful. I am sure during those two years he did things that I would not classify as appropriate. I did as well. We are human. Believe me, it was torture being separated from my partner for that long, but we got through it. And we continue to work around the obstacles. One of those most frequent offerings I heard from others was "Wow...I could never do that." Perhaps not, it is not for everyone. But when it is right, it is right and it can certainly be done.

Having said that, I'm not sure what difference it would make now if I found out Richard had been truly unfaithful during those two years, meaning having sex with someone else. I think I could live with that and continue to move on in our relationship. If I were to find out that he had sex with someone else recently, that would be a problem. Or had a full blown relationship with someone else, that would be a problem. But relationships have all kinds of speed bumps, and infidelity is a common one. And you don't have to be geographically separated from your partner to have infidelity come up in your relationship. Which is why I find it perplexing when people insinuate that LDRs are more at risk for cheating than other relationships.

My thoughts seemed to have scattered, but the bottom line of what I want to say is don't let other people's judgements influence your feelings about your partner or your relationship. Thousands of people have successful LDRs. If I let other people influence my relationship, there is no way Richard and I would be where we are today. Each couple has to navigate these issues on their own. And one couple's model might not work for another couple. I think the best motto to go by is to stay safe and try to make sure no one gets hurt. As for me, I'm happy in the knowledge that my relationship has weathered some storms, with little structural damage. And we will of course face more storms, but we will do it together.

Catching Up

Well it has certainly been a long time since I've written anything. It hasn't been from lack of things to say or share. I guess it just took me awhile to get back into swing of my normal life. I took my first MFT exam on April 3rd, so I spent two months studying for that. So that slowed down my posting. I kept in the groove and took my second exam on May 15th. Passed both, so I am happy to report that I am now a licensed MFT in the great State of California! The shock of it all being over left me feeling like I needed some serious recuperation time. I can't really explain how it feels to wholly devote the last seven years to this and have it finally be completed. The circle is closed and I can finally focus on beginning a career, rather than trudging through interndom. I had to readjust to being able to do fun things with friends instead of spending all my free time studying. So I think I am just about recuperated, so my plan is to devote some time to blogging every Friday.

Lots has happened on the relationship front as well. Richard was very supportive to me while I was studying and decompensating into a very anxious, less sane version of myself. We agreed that nothing would change on my end until after my examinations were done, meaning I wouldn't be job hunting for positions in the Los Angeles area. Furthermore, since he is still awaiting to get moved to a more permanent placement, we agreed to just continue to play the waiting game. As of today, he still has no idea where he may end up. I have started browsing for opportunities in the Los Angeles area, but the economy has hit the world of mental health hard.

What did change however, was his status with his company. I can't divulge too much here, but what I can say is that the nail is in the coffin and he will not be looking for another job. So any hope of him returning to the Bay Area in a new, less stressful job is gone, with the exception of the occasional bid for work in the Northern California area.

What also changed was his living situation. On May 1st, he moved into his own place. So our set up of him coming up here all the time reversed to me going down there. I have Fridays off from work, so we set it up so I fly down Thursday night after work and fly back Monday. BART makes it really simple to get between the airport and work. So now we have the luxury of four nights together per week every two weeks! Plus, with me in charge of planning, I can book ahead of time and get the cheapest fares for flights. So that has been our MO for the last couple of months. However, we did have a flight booked for him for Memorial Day weekend because we had concert tickets.

That didn't go so well. Richard was holding on to some resentment about being the one always coming up here and we ended up in our most serious argument we have ever had. I will spare you the gory details, but it was bad. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened because I said a lot of things that I needed to say. I expressed how I really felt like second fiddle to his job most of the time and he admitted that is in fact what I am. It wasn't in a nasty, malicious way. He was just speaking his truth. And if I really look at myself, I have been very focused on my career the last seven years as well. I think just actually hearing him say it, in some way, gave me some peace. It gave me the opportunity to really look at myself and my priorities and think more about what I want for myself for my career. It also reinforced to me that we can both focus on our careers because neither one of us is going anywhere. So I really felt like our commitment has been reinforced through all of this.

So, I have really come to a place of acceptance for where we are now. I have enjoyed being licensed so far and the four nights together REALLY makes a HUGE difference. I cannot stress this enough. And in addition, I get every other weekend to myself to enjoy my girlfriends and enjoy all the culture of the Bay Area. Oh and I can't forget to mention that I started my own therapy in April, which has helped tremendously. So I guess to sum it all up, life is good. I really want to express my profound gratitude to all my friends that have supported me unrelentingly over the last months. I also want to say thanks to the people that I don't know personally that read my thoughts here and leave comments. Some of you have left comments asking for advice, but I can't find a way to contact you back. So please feel free to email me directly and please subscribe. I'm back in business, see you all next Friday.