The Fear Factor

A friend of mine requested that I tackle this topic, and when she said it, I immediately realized how truly fitting this post was for this week.

For those of you that are in or have been in a LDR, you may know what I am about to describe. Picture it: you have been apart from your partner. Separated due to extenuating circumstances from your lover, your best friend, your support system. Maybe it has been a few months, maybe it has even been years. And finally, the time has come. The hours, days, weeks and months have passed. You have drawn a line through each small square on the calendar. The day has finally arrived. Maybe you are at the airport. Maybe you are at home. You are going to see that person's face in the flesh for the first time in far too long. The anticipation, the joy, the rapture...

THE FEAR!

That's right, you did not misread. The gut-wrenching, palm sweating, speech stammering kind. And let me tell you, it is intense. I will never forget the two (yes, TWO) times I stood in the international terminal at LAX. The first time was in June 2003 and we had been apart for six months. Six months that felt like six years when you are 23. I had bought a new dress, new purse, new necklace and new bracelet. I wanted to look perfect. I had cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, it looked like no one had ever lived there. I had been up for hours. I got to the airport nearly an hour early, after all, I sure did not want to get stuck in LA traffic on such an important day! I forgot to account for baggage claim and clearing customs. I must have stood in that terminal sweating and trembling for close to two and a half hours. Putting someone that is already mildly anxious in that kind of anxiety provoking situation is a bad recipe. I had imagined every dreadful, catastrophic outcome you could imagine. From "what if he doesn't think I am pretty anymore?" to "oh my God oh my God oh my God, what if he just turns around and books a flight home?" to "OH MY GOD HE DID NOT EVEN GET ON THE PLANE!" since of course it seemed as though he was the last one to come around that corner. But when he did and when we hugged, all doubts were gone. That is, until we got in the car. Silences seemed long. Then we arrived home and the thoughts returned. The scariest thought of all: "my god, what if this doesn't work?" And that is a scary feeling.

You would figure it would be a little easier the second time around in August 2004, this time after nine months apart. But no. I was still at the airport too early, I was still an anxious, shaky, sweaty mess, and I was still so scared that there was a possibility that I had invested so much time, money, and pain for nothing. And that time was even more scary because we had a Vegas wedding planned a month later. And we had never lived in the same city for more than three months, let alone the same small apartment. But you all know how that turned out.

So why is this subject pertinent this week? Fast forward five years. It's July 31, 2009. And I had a job interview today. In Long Beach. And I am terrified.

I know deep down that Richard and I are solid. No question about that. But changing jobs, moving back to Southern California, and living together again....under one roof...without another roof to return to...with one bathroom...and one closet! I need to take some deep breaths into a paper bag!

Change in general is scary. But change that directly impacts your primary relationship and the means in which you support yourself, that is just big. It is hard to really put into words. I know Richard and I get along great. I know we aren't in danger of splitting up, which was more what the fear was about in 2003 and 2004. But I know this isn't going to be an easy transition for us. I'm afraid that we won't be as happy for a bit. That the transition will cause stress and will affect us and our mutual happiness, which has been pretty high lately. That his job will move him and the honeymoon will be short lived. But what is life if you don't take some risks? And so far, all the "risks" I have taken on Richard have proven to be well worth it.

I guess the moral of the story is to forget the fear and take the plunge. If the result turns out to not be the one you wanted, it is better to know sooner rather than later. And as for me, I guess I should just wait and see what this job has to say before I start breathing into the paper bag.