Abyss

Sometimes I feel like I am free falling into an abyss, no bottom to hit in sight. Eventually the fear abates, and all that is left is the anxiety of wondering when it will all end. If I sound melodramatic, I mean to. I want to dispose of some of this angst.

It has been a rough few weeks. Recovering from his family's visit, facing issues with my own family, the large issue of planning the holiday season, issues with my health, issues at work, and of course financial issues. So many issues, it is an abyss of issues! All of this has left me feeling depressed, anxious, and fed up. Nothing that won't alleviate soon. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I know this blog is focused on surviving the relationship, but I'm 50% of that relationship, and when I am not doing well...guess what? It impacts the relationship. I pick petty fights and feel upset about things maybe I shouldn't feel upset about and then I get numb and I don't feel upset about things I should probably feel upset about. Like this coming weekend.

This weekend is my high school reunion. I want him to be there with me. He agreed to go with me. I booked my flight into Los Angeles so we could drive to San Diego together. He has cancelled on me again because of work. I said it was fine, but I don't really feel fine about it. I want him to be there with me. But I feel too depressed about all of the other nonsense happening right now to fight for it. I don't want to have to fight for it. I want him to realize on his own that the right thing to do is to keep his word and accompany me. But as usual, I get to be the one at the dinner with the chair across from her empty. I'm so used to it, it doesn't even really hurt anymore. Its like when you bump an old injury, you get reminded of the pain, but the sting quickly passes. The good news is, I get to see my fabulous friends, and I look forward to them helping me get out of this funk and return to my old self.

Funk removed however, the anxiety of the free fall remains. I am ready for a change. I want to advance my career. I want to live with my partner. I want to make more money instead of spending money on plane fares and renting two apartments instead of just one every month. But the relationship remains part of the abyss. No end to the distance in sight. And now that I won't see him this weekend, I won't see him until October 8th. I feel the itch for something to change. It may hurt hitting that bottom, but I'm so ready.