Disconnect

This week hasn't been any easier emotionally than last week. I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. I know what I have been feeling depressed about, it isn't one thing, and it isn't anything fixable over night. Which I guess explains why I don't really feel any better. But I know that I haven't been very focused on any solutions, which is the biggest part of the problem. I have just been focused on wallowing, which I happen to do quite well, actually.

What also doesn't help matters is my recent disconnect from Richard. I have been trying to explore and figure out how it comes to be that someone I feel closest to can somehow seem the person I am most distanced from. Obvious answer: 396 miles of indisputable distance. Less obvious conclusion I can come up with is that no matter what our circumstances are, they become comfortable. Even the most hideous of human conditions become comforting in simply being what you are used to; what you know best. My relationship is no different. I have definitely become more comfortable with the distance, physically and emotionally. And as he continues to pull away to focus on work, I become more comfortable with the emotional distance. That isn't to say that I like it. I sure as hell don't like it one bit. But it is what it is.

This isn't the first time that this has happened to us. Nothing an intense weekend together won't fix. But sometimes those set-up to fail weekends do just that. And we don't have plans to see each other for another three long weeks. His work is showing no signs of slowing down, and he has a friend in town for two weeks, so rectifying the emotional distance is highly unlikely until we see each other again. Which I should use as an excuse to focus on myself and try to focus on fixing some of the things that have been getting me down. So, with a big sigh, I guess I will get on that. As they say, there is no better time than the present. And like always, he and I will plug back in eventually.