Not Enjoying the Silence

It has been too long since I've posted. I wish I had a better excuse, but I don't. It hasn't been a lack of things to discuss or explore. Just general apathy with a touch of malaise.

I really, REALLY wanted this post to be the one where I said we were headed towards living together again. Things at his job were coming up and it looked really promising. And then it just fizzled out. It has been four or five weeks now since it first came up. I haven't completely given up hope yet, but it doesn't look good. We are coming up on our third Friday where we would "know for sure today." Let us see if this Friday turns out to be as disappointing as the others.

So that leaves us...here. Still. In two weeks, it will be the two year anniversary of us being apart. An anniversary I am not looking forward to. I didn't really think it would come. I didn't think we would let it come. I thought we had a plan. I thought I was going to get my license and head to wherever he was. I thought his station would be permanent by then. This was only a six month assignment. And yet, here we are. 24 months later. Twenty four months.

Part of me is losing hope that we can keep this up for much longer. But there are no alternatives. He will not quit his job. I cannot quit mine. There are no jobs in Southern California in my field. I do not want to move down there and start a private practice. That would anchor me there, and he is willing to go "wherever" his company sends him. Or rather, unwilling to set boundaries with his company on where he will go. Additionally and understandably, he is also hesitant to agree to financially support me while I attempt to make a successful practice in Southern California. So I can't take the risk of moving down there to end up in a regrettable situation. Whether it be becoming long-distance again, or our relationship strained and failing because of financial hardship.

When we are together, things are great. But when we are apart, it just isn't. He doesn't have internet at home anymore, so no more Skype. When we do talk on the phone, there isn't much to say. Conversations typically look like this:

"Hi."
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"Fine, how are you?"
"Fine. How was your day?"
"Shit. How was your day?"
"Shit. What are you doing now?"
"Eating and going to bed. You?"
"Eating and going to bed."
Silence.
"Okay, well goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow."

Wow. So....intense. So much sharing. Whatever happened to those sleepless nights spent talking all night? I'm not convinced things would be all that different if we did live together. But at least we could connect in other ways. Which we do when we are together. Which is what inspires me to just keep fucking going.

I used to really try to focus on the positive. I loved my job, my apartment, my independent life here. But my job is tanking, my career at a total standstill. My apartment is just four walls, and my life will follow me. I will not lose what I have made here. My good friends will stay my good friends and I will find more good friends elsewhere. I don't like sounding so dismal, but I'm just fed up. I want my partner back in my life full-time.

We spent the past weekend together and it was really nice. He held me in his arms on his bed as I cried about how much I missed that. Just simple hugs in simple moments. I'm really looking forward to a long break together over Thanksgiving. But what I am looking forward to most of all is finding a way to end this distance.