Greener Grass

Wow it has been so long! I really thought in my head it had only been about a month. I know I have said that very phase before, I'm having blogger deja-vu. Seriously though, I know that I'm bad at this and I know a lot of people have given up on me, but I'm still out here! So I hope you are still reading when these posts pop up! That is why the email feature is so cool! (hint)

I think part of my reluctance to write recently has mostly been lack of content. Moreover, lack of positive content. The honeymoon is definitely over, sad to say. I think we got a good five months out of it though, minus the very stressful moving time where we wanted to assassinate each other.

With the honeymoon over, we have slipped into the rut of everyday life together. Life consists of work, chores, sleep, repeat. Nothing tragic, just life. Repetitive, boring life. The bliss of domestic union and stability that so many people crave. I'm grateful for it, but I have found myself missing my more independent life recently. I come home from work and spend usually about two hours by myself. Those precious hours are usually spent doing chores. Chores that I was able to do on the weekend relatively quickly when it was just me. Once all these various annoyances are complete, we eat dinner together, and it's bed time. We might have a little time to read together, which I always enjoy. We haven't watched a movie together on a week night in probably months, let alone do anything slightly more exciting.

I have tried to find a balance between coupledom and the independent self I have been missing. This is hard to navigate, and I think coming out of an LDR makes it more complicated. I often still would prefer to spend time with Richard, after spending two years apart, but his work schedule makes that difficult. So I have tried to find a life for myself here, making and spending time with new friends rather than time alone at home. However, when these opportunities arise, the home duties get neglected. Last week I went to the movies with a co-worker and came home pretty late, which earned me the silent treatment when I slipped into bed and the next morning. Obviously that wasn't fair, and luckily he got over the slight he felt quickly, but it was food for thought for me about our dynamic and about our transition from LDR to non-distant relationship/cohabitation.

I think that I have gone from complaining about one situation to complaining about the other. I have contracted Richard's The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome. My focus for the immediate future will be to find more balance. I also need to find a way to not get exasperated by the monotony of everyday life.

But first, I have a large list of chores to do to prepare for his parent's arrival next week! They will be staying with us for three weeks, so there will be another long hiatus from blog updates, but I'm sure I will have lots to say after that! So until then, time to enjoy these green pastures.

Worth the Work

It is Sunday today. I am continuing to prepare for my exam, somewhat half-heartedly. I should be much more motivated than I am considering that keeping my job depends on me successfully passing the exam. But even that reality hasn't helped kick me into gear. I feel very distracted and somewhat depressed. I'm sure part of my low mood has to do with Richard being gone. He has been gone for a week now and is due home shortly and I am very excited to see him and hear about his time away. He was gone first for work and then a quick side trip to visit his newly engaged sister and brother-in-law to be. I feel like I haven't seen him in weeks considering the hours he was putting in before he left for the mainland. I feel anxious about seeing him again.

Today I was doing chores after studying all morning and I experienced a deep sense of loneliness. I truly felt like I am on an island (surprise!) Obviously metaphorically, although this happens to be literally true.

My chores today included ironing. I fucking hate ironing. So to make it less painful, I like to watch episodes of The Office. Today's episode was titled Business Trip, an episode from Season 5. In the episode Pam is in New York and Jim is still in Scranton and they have been long-distance for almost three months. Pam gets news that she is failing one of her courses and she will have to stay an additional three months. She is on the phone to Jim and she says, "Can we do this for another three months?" You can see the disappointment in Jim's eyes, but he offers reassurances. They end their phone call and Pam is sitting alone in tears. At the end of the episode Pam returns to Scranton, giving up her dreams of graphic design saying some dollop about how it turns out she doesn't like graphic design after all, and that she isn't returning just because she misses Jim. Man, this episode pissed me off.

I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. My first thought was "fuck, this isn't real life. People do things all the time that they don't want to do. They make it work." Then I thought, maybe it is real life. Maybe people give up their dreams all the time because they think they don't have another choice. They think that they can't make it work. And yet, how do they decide this without trying? I wonder if these are the people that end up filled with resentment, joining the ranks of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. Or maybe, they find acceptance in the life that they settled for. I'm not a regular viewer of The Office, but I know that Pam gets married, moves into a home with Jim, gets pregnant and seems satisfied with her receptionist job and the area in the garage that she can paint in. All thoughts of a career as an artist, her life in New York, gone. If this is a more accurate depiction of real life, I am glad that I lived in a dream world. I am glad that Richard and I were strong enough in our commitment to both be able to fulfill our career ambitions and responsibilities. And I know that we are not alone. I know that people in the military are challenged with distance constantly. I know people in industries like mining and off-shore drilling are separated from their partners regularly for long periods of time. It isn't ideal, but when you want something, you make it work. Or when you love your work, but you also love your spouse, you make it work. And all I know is that anything worth having requires work. So keep working it.

Ships that Pass in the Night

Sorry it has been so long since I've posted. The usual excuses apply. But thanks to all the people reading from BlogCatalog, I hope you keep reading!

Work was super crazy last week. I won't bore you all with the gory details, but I'm hoping it will be calmer in the coming weeks. I have scheduled to take my exam for Hawaii licensure, so my focus needs to be on preparing for that over the next three weeks. Yes, only three weeks. *Gulp* So posting may be few and far between now and May 21st, unless I start to feel uncharacteristically confident, or I just feel like procrastinating, like I am now.

As far as Richard and I go...well things could be better. Work has been really crazy for him too. Over the last two weeks we haven't spent more than a few hours of quality time together. He frequently works late, but the nights have been getting longer and longer. This past Thursday he got home from work at 1am Friday morning and was up again at 3:30am to head back into the office. I have expressed my concern for his mental and physical health, but I am also starting to feel resentful. I'm trying really hard not to though. I know how demanding his job is, and I need to focus on my work and my studying. I'm really trying to focus on studying, so having him gone is actually a blessing, but it is hard to see it that way. It is easy enough for me to distract myself without him here. Sadly, the fact remains that I do distract myself, with or without him here, so I would much prefer to have him here! At least then I would have a good excuse to not be studying! The bottom line is that I just miss him when he isn't around. He leaves again tomorrow for the mainland again for a week. I hope I take advantage of the time and get lots of studying done. I also hope I can sleep okay without him here and I also really hope that I don't sit around moping instead of studying while he is away. I really thought that we were done with all the missing.

The great part about us though is that we slip right back into place with each other. When he came home early (around 6) on Friday I had the saddest feeling when he first walked through the door that we were becoming strangers. I was surprised to see him so early, and then I felt sad that 6pm on a Friday is "early." We hadn't really talked in about a week but after settling in we got caught up with each other and had a nice night together. So although sometimes it feels like we are just passing ships, when we are finally docked together everything is peaceful in our worlds and I appreciate that, no matter how shortly it lasts.

Home

Wow how the heck did it become April 16th?! Time flies with a new job!

I'm happy to report that the new job is going much better. I have settled in more and I feel much more comfortable and confident. I even went to happy hour last night, so I think I am making what I hope to be the beginnings of some good friendships. It is amazing how much more at peace I feel! Being the new kid on the block again put me way out of my element. I forgot how scary change and uncertainty really are. I don't see how I could have possibly forgotten since November through March was pretty much change after change after stupid freakin' CHANGE! Sigh. At any rate, things have, I hope, finally settled down.

Settled. Down?

Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

What a roller-coaster it has been. I think I will have to adjust to settled because I have become so accustomed to change and chaos, which is why I forgot how scary and unnerving change can be! But it has all been worth it and I wouldn't change a moment of it because I'm so happy now. The last two and half years have been really, really hard. But to finally be settled down feels so good. I miss home everyday, but my home is with Richard, wherever that may be. So it is really, really nice to be home.

I need to do some gardening

With my first week of work under my belt, I'm feeling so many different emotions. I am so, so grateful to be back at work doing what I love. I am also remorseful that I didn't take better advantage of my time unemployed. I am pretty tired getting used to an early rising schedule again, while also maintaining the house. But most of all I really, really miss my people.

Richard was in Omaha last week and I missed him a lot. I wanted to blog about it, but I was too busy missing everyone else in my life, in addition to him. The best part about living apart from Richard for the past two years was my super solid support system. I had great girlfriends to go out with, I had great co-workers, I had an awesome place to live and an awesome job. I love it here, but I'm still not adjusted. I spent most of Richard's week away curled up on the couch terrified. There have been some druggie people spotted in the neighborhood, and some thefts as well, so every sound that went bump I was whipping my head towards the sound and examining every door and window. Which was often because we happened to have two uninvited furry friends rambling around a lot in the kitchen as soon as the sun went down! (They have safely vacated the premises!) I've never lived in such a big place, so it is taking a lot of getting used to. Back home, if Richard was gone for the week I would have packed the week full of dates with my friends and would have been excited to have some time to myself. Here, I had dates with two rats, frozen pizzas, a pissed off bunny and "The Office." I missed him intensely every night.

The job is great so far, it feels refreshing to be working again, but I really miss my co-workers. I don't think I will fit in very well with the people I now work closely with, and that sucks after developing such strong connections with all my previous co-workers. I was really counting on working being my avenue for finding social connections, and now I just don't think it is going to happen. But I am definitely going to try. There is a really nice girl, seems close to my age, from New York that invited me to a Hula class on Monday night. Too bad she works in a different building than I do, but I am definitely taking her up on the invite. There maybe some dinner dates and happy hours in my future after all, so fingers crossed.

Richard has some pretty cool co-workers, but the couple that we like the best are moving back to the mainland next week, so I am also pretty sad about that too. I will definitely miss those two. So that leaves Richard and I being each other's sole (local) support system at the minute. So far, so good. I love having dinner with him after work every night. I think we have transitioned out of the honeymooning, but we are comfortably content. We are in a full blown "Lost" addiction. We are about to finish Season Four, so I don't know what we are going to do with ourselves once we are all caught up on the show, but it has been very fun getting into it together. All in all everything is really, really good. But I am missing my friends. Filled one hole only to create another. And the thing is, with these kind of holes, you can't just fill them in with anything. Some things, some people, are simply irreplaceable. So instead of looking for some filler, I have to start looking for some seeds to plant, and hopefully some new ties will grow.

Riding the Employment Rollercoaster

I have been thinking about this post for over a week now. It is amazing how much things can change in just a week's time. Given the recent changes, this is going to be a long one, so get comfortable.

Originally this post was going to be about my adjustment personally here in Hawaii. Mainly my adjustment to being unemployed. I will start there anyway because I think it might help people understand more about who I am and why staying at my job in Northern California was so important to me. Basically we arrived in Hawaii on January 22nd and I started looking for work as soon as possible. As soon as possible wasn't as soon as I would have liked. In our first hotel here the internet was an extra $15 dollars a day, so I was limited to trips to Starbuck's at first. Which worked out fine because there was not a whole lot of jobs posted. At this point, I had already been unemployed for a month and I was starting to get antsy. My savings was dwindling and I was bored. What complicated the search obviously was the more important task of finding a place to live.

We found our place the first week of February, so I was able to completely focus on finding a job once that was finalized. By this time we were in hotel number 2, which had free internet access. Although that upped the convenience factor, that didn't solve the problem that there was a lack of jobs posted. I cannot tell you how many resumes I sent out, but I was getting discouraged rapidly. I received three rejections before I received any interviews. I was convinced I had a blatant spelling error in my resume and this was causing my failure. I poured over that document again and again and had others edit it too for good measure. No errors could be found. The reality of the economic crisis and high unemployment rate began to seep in. No matter how perfect (or overqualified in many cases) I was for the job, there was someone out there who was a better candidate.

This kind of negative thinking led me to believe that I needed to broaden my search horizons. I told myself once I was licensed here I would have better luck finding work in my field, and until then, I needed to get humble and look at other options. Which led me to apply for the veterinarian clinic. I was hesitant at first to accept the job once it was offered because the pay was literally less than the minimum wage in San Francisco. But I had to try. I knew that if I didn't try and I continued to be unemployed for another month or two that I would be filled with regret. I couldn't face the prospect of continuing to earn nothing rather than earning something, even if that something was below the national poverty line. Okay not really, but accepting a 60% pay cut sure does feel like you are encroaching on the poverty line.

So I went for it and I started at the veterinarian hospital on February 22nd. Our one month anniversary in Hawaii and just over 60 days unemployed. It took me about four hours to regret the decision. I didn't agree with a lot of their practices, including not encouraging spaying and neutering and keeping animals alive that were clearly suffering and should have been euthanized. I also didn't like seeing my name scheduled for every Saturday for two months when I was told working Saturdays was "once in awhile." I also wasn't told that when the hospital had animals boarding, we had to come in and walk them on Saturdays and Sundays. And boarding was fully booked every weekend for the foreseeable future. In a nut shell, I felt bamboozled.

So my plan of action was to continue to job hunt while trying to stick it out. I liked working with the animals and the people seemed nice. Keyword: seemed. By week two it dawned on me that not one of the seven other employees had made any effort to get to know me. They didn't ask me where I was from, what I did for work before, why I had moved to Hawaii, nothing. They talked a whole lot about themselves though. I continued to send out resumes and was finally starting to get some feedback. I scheduled interviews on my weekday off.

Then a job came up with MADD. I was called for an interview and I was told I would know either way by the end of the following week. The interview went really well and I was really sure the job was mine. However, by the end of week two at the veterinary clinic it became clear the job was not mine, and I was devastated. No one asked me what was wrong, which solidified to me that I did not fit in with this group.

So Monday of my third week I walked in to find my time sheet changed without my consent docking me 30 minutes of pay. 30 minutes of which I was there, working. Walking dogs, getting peed on and picking up poop. I would be damned if that was going to fly. I asked the supervisor about it and her response was to take me outside and tell me that the others were complaining about my bad attitude and basically asking me to resign. If I hadn't resigned it was clear that I was now in a hostile working environment, and that wasn't worth nine bucks an hour. So I mustered what dignity I had left and went home.

That was March 8th. I had two more interviews on March 9th, so I was feeling like things were going to be okay. By March 13th I was back to being discouraged. No new job postings, no responses from the interviews and already a failed job under my belt. But this is when things get interesting.

On Sunday Richard and I went with our landlords/neighbors to the Byodo-In Temple. The temple is just up the road from our home and we were planning on checking it out, so we happily joined them. When we arrived they led us to a large bell where you could make an offering and ring the bell and say a prayer. They shared with us what they wanted to pray about and other times in the past that they had come and prayed and their prayers were answered. I left an offering, lit a candle, lit incense and rang the giant bell and prayed to Jesus, Buddah and the universe to give me a job! We then went into the gift shop where they sell lots of touristy trinkets. We came upon some lucky coins that are suppose to bring good fortune. Our guides told us about their own experiences with their lucky coin, including receiving raises and getting free car registration, just to name a few. Richard has one of these coins from his Grandfather from Asia from WWII that we have tied to my own lucky coin and have shared over the last eight years. Usually it has brought us a lot of luck when we wear it around our necks, but she said to put it in my wallet.

On Monday I had some errands to run including a trip to the licensing board and a trip to a different veterinarian, Maggie had hurt her back toe and it became infected. I got home late in the afternoon to find a job posted for a therapist in a dual diagnosis treatment center. They had posted an ad for a house manager which I had applied to the week before so I thought well if they wanted me they would have already contacted me. But I had to try again, it was just to perfect to ignore. I resent my resume that evening. The program director called me at 8am on Tuesday for an interview at 11:30. I made sure to put the lucky coin in my wallet before I went. She offered me the job right then and there pending my background and reference checks. I took care of the background check that afternoon and she talked to my previous supervisor, and I had the job two hours later. They are paying me the same as what I was earning in California and I will receive a raise once I earn my Hawaii license. Needless to say, I am now a firm believer in the power of that coin.

So after a total of three months unemployed, I will once again be gainfully employed, and I am so relieved. Staying at home is wonderful, but it just isn't good for me. I wasn't really able to enjoy it, I just stared at craigslist all day trying to will a job to be posted. Giving up my job in Northern California and moving to Southern California would have resulted in me being filled with regret and resentment if I had remained unemployed for three months or longer. And it isn't just me. Richard isn't keen on working his tail off to give someone else a free ride. So I am eternally grateful that we made the decisions we did make, otherwise it might have cost us a lot more than two years living independently, and I am confident we wouldn't be together in Hawaii right now.

I guess the moral of the story is to trust your gut, don't sell yourself short, and have faith in the power of the universe, it knows what it is doing.

Sound Sleeper

I have been trying to think of something interesting to write about, but I am having a hard time coming up with something that seems like it would be interesting to others. But then I remembered that everything doesn't have to be a juicy, soap opera drama. People will read because they are interested in an update, even if the content seems boring or uneventful. So here is the best update I can come up with for now.

Richard and I are definitely in a honeymoon phase. I wonder how many honeymoon phases one relationship is entitled to? Obviously, I think surviving a long-distance relationship entitles you to an additional honeymoon phase. Like a buy one, get one free or a get-out-of-jail free card. Because surviving a long-distance relationship is no easy feat. So this honeymoon phase is two-years in the making and it is well deserved. So I think it should last for two years, although I doubt we are that lucky. No matter how long it lasts, it has been great and I am planning on enjoying it while it lasts.

One reason I know we are in the honeymoon phase is because of how well we are both sleeping. I cannot remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up more than once. Since we have been in our new home in Hawaii I have slept better than I have in years. I have slept like the dead. If I wake up at all, which is now a rarity rather than a given, I fall right back asleep. I was wondering why my sleep patterns would change so drastically. There are obvious reasons including a less stressful job, living in a peaceful area, non-severe (i.e. Bay Area) weather changes. It could just be the distance from our loud, nocturnal pet rabbit. But I like to think it can be chocked up to the end of the LDR.

There have been mornings this past month where I have woken up in the most uncomfortable position, with a full grown man snoring loudly in my ear and practically laying entirely on top of me. Sounds unpleasant and uncomfortable, but I woke up feeling fully rested, with a stupid smile on my face. Living alone I fell asleep every night wishing he was there. That can't make for restful sleep. I'm sure the consistent weather and serene atmosphere help, but I really do think the biggest contributor to the change is the peaceful heart and spirit I seem to have now that we are living together again.

Sleep is so important to general health and mental health that I really hope this trend lasts. In the mean time, I am not going to keep trying to figure out why it is happening, I am just going to enjoy it and appreciate it. And I really, really appreciate it. I got so used to sleeping poorly I forgot how wonderful it is to sleep well. I am also going to stop wondering how long this honeymoon phase is going to last and just focus on enjoying every minute of it. Including the restful nights.

...finally time to update.

I really hope now that things are settled that I will be able to update regularly again, and then I won't have to title every post update.

So I guess I should just pick up where I left off last and see how long this post becomes.

Shortly after my last post Richard went to Omaha for a week for work. During his time away, he notified me that he neglected to alert his landlords to the change in our departure date. This meant that I had to move us out of his studio apartment in Long Beach and into a hotel room near LAX for one week. This was the beginning of almost five weeks of hotels, arguments, stress, and overall emotional turmoil.

We spent one week at the Doubletree LAX Hotel. The hotel was very nice and it turned out to be not such a bad thing. We were close to the airport for our flight that following Friday morning and the hotel had lovely amenities. Looking back, I can't put my finger on why, but we were not getting along during the week. I'm sure it had to do with stress and anxiety about the move, and not getting along just added to the stress and anxiety. Richard was short with me, and I was snappy right back. He continued to complain about finances and Maggie-our pet rabbit. I just kept thinking once the stress of the actual flight passed, things would get better.

I was dead wrong. Departure day finally arrived on Friday January 22, 2010. Instead of helping me make final preparations, Richard went downstairs to finish up some work for an hour. We ended up leaving the hotel late because of this. We arrived at the Delta Cargo terminal to ship Maggie, since Hawaiian Airlines does not accept pet rabbits in their cargo. This took longer than expected because their machines were not working properly. We ended up getting to the airport before the flight began boarding, but Richard was upset with me for the Maggie problem, even though the situation was completely out of my control. We ended up not speaking the entire flight.

We also didn't speak when we arrived to Honolulu Airport and encountered another snafu with Maggie. The people in charge decided that Maggie needed to be inspected by a plant inspector to determine that she was not a "wild" rabbit. Apparently there is great concern about rabbits getting loose and destroying the flora of the island. So this took over an hour. Richard was fuming because he was due at work. Yes, he had to go to work on the day we arrived on Oahu. Again, none of this was my fault but I was where he directed his frustration. We arrived to Ko 'Olina where our hotel was located. He apologized for being hard on me and left for work and I had a total meltdown. Thanks to some great friends I got myself back under control and was ready to put the past few weeks behind us and start our new life.

But not so fast. After one week his company insisted that we move out of the Ko 'Olina hotel because it was too costly. So we moved into a more affordable vacation rental/hotel in Waikiki. This was another thing I had to handle all alone, and another stress to put Maggie through. At this point, she had already moved four times and had another move to go. Not to mention a six hour plane ride. I walked into the new room and slowly had a panic attack. It was so small, I was sure that we would kill each other before we had the chance to move into a permanent housing situation. All of the back and forth made job hunting, enjoying the scenery, and enjoying each other impossible. We could not agree on a place to live and were back to being short and unpleasant to each other. I was beginning to regret the move, and was having some serious fears that we were unraveling. I was afraid that the distance lasted too long and we were no longer capable of being together. I also felt like every time I thought we were over the stress hill, another hill suddenly appeared to block our way to settling and getting used to each other again. I was also really concerned that I was seeing familiar patterns of Richard just immersing or hiding in his work, and I did not like it.

Finally we found a place we loved and made a difficult decision to stretch ourselves financially and sign the lease. Richard left again for a few days to return to California for work, so I was once again left to manage another move alone. By this time I had lost count of the recent moves and was resentful that I was the one always managing everything. I moved out of Long Beach alone the first time, San Rafael alone, Oakland alone, Long Beach again alone, and now three different hotel rooms. Richard scoffed that it required no effort on my part, but most of these places required serious deep cleaning and I often had an unruly pet rabbit in tow. At any rate, the final (for at least two years I hope!) move occurred on February 10th, but I didn't give up the other room until Richard returned from the Mainland because I didn't want to spend the first night in the new place, our place, alone. So when he returned on February 13th, we spent our first night together in our new place. And as I hoped, we have been doing pretty damn good ever since.

We finally got internet sorted out this past Saturday. This past weekend was the first weekend that we were able to just be together and enjoy. No unpacking to do. No searching to do. So relax and enjoy we did. We have fallen back into a good rhythm together and seem to be enjoying living together again and spending quiet evenings together. And Richard seems to be making a good effort to be home at a reasonable hour every night. Maggie also seems to be doing splendidly, and Richard's sudden development of a rabbit allergy has miraculously subsided!

Once we had decided on this place, on February 7th, I was able to focus more on my job search. I received at least three rejections, but most often received no response at all. I was getting very concerned. I was so focused on apartment hunting and job hunting the first few weeks I had very little down time. But after we moved, job hunting didn't eat up much time during a day. I was getting really irritated with doing all of Richard's bidding and I was also getting really lonely. Richard was pretty much the only person I had interacted meaningfully with since January 22nd, and most of those interactions occurred in the last few hours of a day. I was spending a lot of time alone. I realized that I needed a job quick. For my mental health, for our financial comfort, and probably for the health of the relationship. I decided to take a break from the mental health world for a minute and took a job as a veterinary technician. I started that job this past Monday. I am continuing to pursue becoming licensed in Hawaii for mental health and will return to that kind of work later in the year if all goes according to plan. In the mean time, I get to learn new things, play with puppies and kitties, and get paid less than San Francisco's minimum wage!

And now we are once again caught up!! Obviously I left out a lot of gruesome details, but the important part is that for now, things are okay. I am alone again for a few days while Richard is off cavorting for work again and I miss him terribly. Which I think is a really good sign that I am right where I belong.

Major Update Part Two

...be sure to read part one first!!

Okay so I left off right about the time I posted my November 19th post. That was the post that I really wanted to be the one announcing we would be living together again. Although all the changes were still looming, the fact that they were NOT happening just made me more and more despondent and desperate. As you can guess, that following Friday turned out to be just as disappointing as the others, and my desperation grew. Richard went camping that weekend, so I didn't talk to him at all for five days. That Sunday I went out with friends and I told a new acquaitance my story about all of this. I got the typical response of "wow, that sucks. I could neeeeeever do that. How do you do it?" Usually these responses slide off of my back. But not this time. This time I thought, 'this does suck. This really, really sucks. And I am FED UP!'

And I was truly fed up. So when Richard finally got home on Sunday night, he excitedly called me. We have never gone that long without some form of communication, and he was looking forward to telling me all of his stories. So when he called, I told him that I did not want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. I was sad and depressed and he hated talking to me when I felt that way, so I decided it was best that we not talk. Not surprisingly, he was worried by this. He insisted we talk. He asked what I was upset about and I answered "everything!" I was upset by my job, by our relationship. I was fed up of being long-distance, I was angry we didn't have a plan, I was hurt that he didn't seem bothered at all by any of it. I was also hurt that he didn't seem more amenable to coming up with a solution, even if that solution included him supporting me financially for a bit. So he asked, 'what do you want to do?' And I answered, 'I want to quit my job, and I want to move.' He replied, 'lets just wait for Hawaii.' And I said, 'we have been for two months now. If we keep waiting for Hawaii to come through, we will be having this same conversation this time next year, if we are still together.' I think this response jostled him a bit. So after a lengthy deliberation, we agreed the time had come. I resigned the next day, Monday November 23rd. My last day of employment would be Thursday, December 17th, 2009.

The following weeks were simply overwhelming. I was very busy at work. I was very busy trying to piece some sort of plan together. I put in notice on my apartment. Richard and I continued to live in uncertainty about Hawaii. But we did know that we were going to be together again. When we saw each other again the first weekend of December, it was amazing. All the pressure was gone. We were able to just enjoy being together, and we did just that.

And finally, on December 14th, we received the official relocation package letter. I continued to be hesitant to post any updates because nothing was booked, and we still do not have flights booked and we should be there on January 18th. But I have faith that it will all come together. So at some point, in the next two to three weeks, we will be on a jet plane heading for a new life together.

Since December 14th, I had my last day of work on December 17th. I spent a great weekend surrounded by great friends. I did a lot of moving preparation. We spent Christmas together. We talked more about our level of commitment and agreed that we are life partners. No more boyfriend/girlfriend labels. It doesn't do what we have between us justice. And on January 4th I left Northern California behind. I am currently sitting in a coffee shop in Long Beach, CA enjoying the beautiful sunshine and the absence of the tremendous amount of stress my job and the distance caused. It has only been a couple of days, but I sleep like a log and I don't have the aches and pains I grew so accustomed to. We have a whole new ball of stress waiting with the relocation, but we will get through it together. Like we have everything else over the past 7.5 years.

So with that, I think this brings an end to the LDR blog. But I enjoy writing and will need a forum to update everyone about the stress of readjusting to no-distance coupledom, unemployment, job searching and the rough life of living on a tropical island. We have already had disagreements about money and our pet rabbit, so it should get interesting! So thoughts about a new theme/title will be welcome. So with that, I bid you all Aloha! Thanks for reading.

Quick Check In

Hey world. I am still alive. So is Richard. We are still together. I have a LOT to update you on and I am in the middle of a really long post. But I am running out of laptop battery so I wanted to get something up quickly just to say hello and and say we are okay and going strong.

I also really wanted to let you all know that that Richard and I are featured in the new (January, Natalie Portman on cover) US version of Marie Claire magazine. There is a section called the Careerist and the feature is on the new commuter marriages, AKA long-distance marriages. So check it out and put a face to a blog! It is small, and I think the quotes that she chose sound way out of context of the entire interview and background story I provided to her, but hey, it is what it is. So hurry before the February issue comes out, which will be next week. Sorry so late getting this up. You will know why after my next post!

Thanks for reading!

Major Update Part One-September to November

Wow, how time flies. I have been putting off this post and putting off this post for far too long. In my head it had only been about three weeks or so since my last post. But I now realize that I haven't posted in close to two months. I was putting off the post because I had so much to write about that I never seemed to have enough time to just sit down and hammer it all out. Turns out when you do that, just more things happen to write about. It's a vicious cycle.

So I have found myself in a place where I have more time to write about all the latest. However, I don't have a reliable Internet connection. And now I am running out of battery at the free wi-fi place I located. So this may end up being a two or three part ordeal. How is that for suspense?! Plus, I don't want it to turn into a TL;DR.

I don't feel right giving an update without proper background information. So let us back track to September. Richard called me one evening and said "my work asked me to go to Hawaii...what do you think?" So this led to weeks and weeks of talking, researching, analyzing and of course indecisiveness, changing of minds and opinions, and lots of pros and cons discussions. I was hesitant to get on board with relocating because my job was really pushing talk of offering me a promotion and a raise. I knew it would not be a large raise, but just the new title and position would be resume bolstering and would really help my career in the future. So that led to some of my hesitation. Richard heard stories of island fever and the high cost of living, which led to his hesitation and we both just could not make a decision.

So all of this back and forth contributed to my October 23rd post. I wanted to move to Hawaii, but I knew it would involve a lot of work, change and adjustment. I also wanted my promotion. I wanted to feel validated about what I had given to my employers over the last two and half years. I wanted to finally be valued for my performance and skill level, which far exceeded some of my colleagues on the same salary. I wanted my decision to not move to Southern California with Richard to be further validated by the promotion and raise. I already felt it was validated by my licensure in May. But the months since May seemed to be...pointless in a way. We were both scared about living together with the uncertainty of his location and the downward economy. But besides that, I was living in Northern California and spending at least $300, but usually more, on flights per month for no good reason. Although we had developed a working system, why were we really doing it? Despite the system working, we were growing distant.

So on October 23rd, Richard verbally agreed to go to Hawaii. It seemed like it was time to start planning and celebrating. But then, everything just stalled. An official relocation package letter was due the following week, and the week after, and the week after. You get the idea. We began to speculate why they didn't want to give him the official letter. We began to say things like maybe it is for the best that we don't go, maybe the promotion will come through, maybe something better will come up in California.

But none of those things happened. We just lived in flux for weeks. I grew very impatient. My employers never came through on their promise. I was given additional tasks and responsibilities, but I was NOT given more money and I was NOT given a new title. In fact, I was told I would not get either of those things and I was told this in a way that made it sound like those details didn't matter, and that I did not have a right to expect them. Well, it mattered to me. I realized I was staying in Northern California for nothing. I had no future with that agency. The job that I loved became a point of contention, a severe source of resentment. The apartment I loved became suffocating. The absence of my partner in my life there became a resounding, formidable silence.

This is a good place to break for part two.