Major Update Part One-September to November

Wow, how time flies. I have been putting off this post and putting off this post for far too long. In my head it had only been about three weeks or so since my last post. But I now realize that I haven't posted in close to two months. I was putting off the post because I had so much to write about that I never seemed to have enough time to just sit down and hammer it all out. Turns out when you do that, just more things happen to write about. It's a vicious cycle.

So I have found myself in a place where I have more time to write about all the latest. However, I don't have a reliable Internet connection. And now I am running out of battery at the free wi-fi place I located. So this may end up being a two or three part ordeal. How is that for suspense?! Plus, I don't want it to turn into a TL;DR.

I don't feel right giving an update without proper background information. So let us back track to September. Richard called me one evening and said "my work asked me to go to Hawaii...what do you think?" So this led to weeks and weeks of talking, researching, analyzing and of course indecisiveness, changing of minds and opinions, and lots of pros and cons discussions. I was hesitant to get on board with relocating because my job was really pushing talk of offering me a promotion and a raise. I knew it would not be a large raise, but just the new title and position would be resume bolstering and would really help my career in the future. So that led to some of my hesitation. Richard heard stories of island fever and the high cost of living, which led to his hesitation and we both just could not make a decision.

So all of this back and forth contributed to my October 23rd post. I wanted to move to Hawaii, but I knew it would involve a lot of work, change and adjustment. I also wanted my promotion. I wanted to feel validated about what I had given to my employers over the last two and half years. I wanted to finally be valued for my performance and skill level, which far exceeded some of my colleagues on the same salary. I wanted my decision to not move to Southern California with Richard to be further validated by the promotion and raise. I already felt it was validated by my licensure in May. But the months since May seemed to be...pointless in a way. We were both scared about living together with the uncertainty of his location and the downward economy. But besides that, I was living in Northern California and spending at least $300, but usually more, on flights per month for no good reason. Although we had developed a working system, why were we really doing it? Despite the system working, we were growing distant.

So on October 23rd, Richard verbally agreed to go to Hawaii. It seemed like it was time to start planning and celebrating. But then, everything just stalled. An official relocation package letter was due the following week, and the week after, and the week after. You get the idea. We began to speculate why they didn't want to give him the official letter. We began to say things like maybe it is for the best that we don't go, maybe the promotion will come through, maybe something better will come up in California.

But none of those things happened. We just lived in flux for weeks. I grew very impatient. My employers never came through on their promise. I was given additional tasks and responsibilities, but I was NOT given more money and I was NOT given a new title. In fact, I was told I would not get either of those things and I was told this in a way that made it sound like those details didn't matter, and that I did not have a right to expect them. Well, it mattered to me. I realized I was staying in Northern California for nothing. I had no future with that agency. The job that I loved became a point of contention, a severe source of resentment. The apartment I loved became suffocating. The absence of my partner in my life there became a resounding, formidable silence.

This is a good place to break for part two.