And all I see is black.
So as many of you may have already heard, Richard is currently in Chicago. He has been there since last Sunday. He is there for work, preparing an estimate for a bid on a waste water treatment plant. The bid is this coming Tuesday. Richard and some of his co-workers were sent to Chicago to assist in the estimating and bidding because they are the district with the most experience in building waste water treatment plants. Sounds good so far right? So what’s the problem? The problem is that if they get the bid, Richard has agreed to move to Chicago for the project. That, my friends, is the problem.
There is a good chance that they will not get the bid, and I will hopefully be able to post such good news next time. They have not won a bid in a very long time. However, there is a chance that they will get the bid, and that leaves us…where? I do not know where it leaves us, but it leaves me gazing into the tunnel, and seeing no light whatsoever.
I am not in a place in my career where I can pack up and move to Chicago. I am in California until I am licensed, bottom line. I am not sure how long this will take, but I am doing the best that I can to make it happen as soon as possible. But even if a miracle occurred, and somehow I woke up tomorrow with my MFT license, I am not entirely sure that I would want to re-locate to Chicago. I am sure it is a fine city, but I have never been. I am not inclined to uproot my life and relocate to a place I have not even visited. A place where neither of us have friends or family, a place where my career options are less then ideal. Where the winters are cold and severe and intimidating to this California girl. Where my only social connection would be my partner, who I barely see because of the demanding and intense work hours required in heavy construction. I do not exactly have fond memories of the last waste water treatment plant building experience. Richard worked at least one Saturday per month. He frequently left for work before the sun was up, and returned from work long after the sun set, practically catatonic. He had barely enough energy to eat and crawl to bed, let alone maybe have a conversation or catch a movie. So this brings me back to my original question, this leaves us where?
Even if they do not get the Chicago bid, I am not sure where we are right now, or where we are headed. I believe our last stints long distance were much more manageable because there was an ending. There was a plan. There was something to countdown to. I used to love marking days off the calendar. I had calendars everywhere! I had a countdown on the dry-erase board in the kitchen. I had a wall calendar, a desk calendar, a planner, a calendar in my notebook for school. And I took great comfort, pleasure, and excitement in crossing off those days as they ticked by.
Now, I cross the days off with an enormous sense of sadness. It has been nearly 11 months that we have been apart. And I have no clue when it might end. I really need to see that hint of light soon.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
A likely place to start..
So some time has passed since my first entry. I have really been putting a lot of thought into possible topics for the site, and how I want to use this space. Part of this will be a catharsis for myself, a safe place to vent my feelings and frustrations about being in a long-distance relationship to people that can empathize. Another part will be sharing what I have learned. Some topics I am plan on exploring include intimacy, jealousy, making time, balance, romance, suspicion, anxiety, loneliness, self-care, ruts, and many more.
However, I have decided to dedicate this post to Richard and our history. Often, when a client first comes in, they feel unsure about where to start, and I usually say the best place to start is the beginning. So this post will be all about our beginning and how we ended up where we are now. This is a long story.
Richard and I met on June 25th, 2002. He had been studying abroad at UCSB and had a group of friends visiting him from England. I had just graduated, and was preparing to move to Long Beach for graduate school. The night we met I was out with two of my best friends, saying goodbye to one of them who was moving home the next day. I saw Richard on the bus on the way downtown, and immediately liked what I saw. On the way home, he was waiting at the bus stop, and after a few drinks, I had the courage to approach him. We all went home together, and Richard and I sat on his balcony talking for hours.
We eventually started seeing each other a few times a week. Both of us knew that our time together would soon be ending, and frequently would wonder when we were together, would this be the last time? But there never ended up being a last time. The barrier that I was trying to maintain to protect my emotions faltered, and I found myself falling in love. Richard ended up moving to Long Beach with me to spend his last month in America with me. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me was taking him to the airport that September. We had agreed that we didn't want to end what we had started. I was planning a trip to England that winter before I had met Richard, so we agreed to see how things went.
That first month was horrible. I missed him so much. I had just started school, I didn't have any friends in Long Beach yet, I didn't have a job. I was devastated. Once the first month past, and I started working, things got easier. I booked my trip for two weeks at Christmas time. I started working full time in October. Time started to move more quickly. We were emailing daily and having long talks on the weekends when the time difference wasn't such an issue. Richard was finishing his master's degree and working as well. With both of us working and going to school full time, we didn't really have time for a relationship, so being long-distance was almost convenient.
I visited at Christmas and met his family. It was a wonderful trip. We decided we wanted to keep things going, and would see each other again in the summer. Richard came on June 26th, 2003. His plan was to get a job, and see how things worked out. We were naive. Turns out, you can't just come to America and get a job. September 11th and the following reform in immigration policies made things much more difficult. He was unable to find an employer that would sponsor a work (H1-B) visa. He had to return to England in September. I was losing hope. I thought I was losing him.
Our last day together, we went to The Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro, CA. We talked a lot about our relationship, our future. We decided the only way we would be able to be together would be to get married. We were both hesitant, we hadn't even lived together in the same city for more then three months. We both felt too young to get married. We thought that it was possibly an irresponsible decision. But the fact was, it was not going to work, this was our only option left. We agreed to give the long-distance another go, and Richard went back to England in September, and I began looking into fiance visas (K-1). Again, the first month was horrible, but we quickly slipped back into routines of emailing everyday and talking at the weekends. I visited again in January. We thought the visa would come through by April, but it didn't work out that way, again our naiveity. The last few months were very trying. We began texting and talking more, and by the last stretch, we were speaking every day. Richard finally came to America (for the last time, so far!!) on August 21, 2004. We hadn't seen each other in almost nine months.
Our first month together was blissful. We slipped easily into a routine of being together again. It was difficult for Richard not working, but he was actively looking work, and very supportive of what I was going through, working full time and finishing up my master's degree. We took a trip to Las Vegas with our closest friends, and were legally married on September 25, 2004. Since at this point, we had still not even lived in the same country for more then three months, we looked at the marriage as a means to an end, a paperwork issue. No rings were exchanged, no last names changed. Richard found a job and started working January 2, 2005. He got his temporary permanent residence in April 2005. September 2005 his job transferred him to Petaluma, CA. We moved together to the Bay Area, thinking there was no way that we would EVER do long-distance again. Richard received his green card in 2007. We had settled in to our life together, and were doing great until December 2007, when his job transferred him back to Orange County, CA. I was not in a place in my career where I could move. Plus, this move was temporary. He could be in Orange County for six days, weeks, or months. And there was no way of knowing for how long, or where he would be going next.
On December 3, 2007 we became long distance again. It has not been the same as it was before. We have both grown and changed, our relationship has grown and changed after living together for three years. We are both very busy with work and life, and find it hard at times to fit each other in, so we are struggling.
So that brings you all up to date finally. That is our beginning. And here is to the future. My next post will likely be a catharsis, so look forward to some emotional uploading.
However, I have decided to dedicate this post to Richard and our history. Often, when a client first comes in, they feel unsure about where to start, and I usually say the best place to start is the beginning. So this post will be all about our beginning and how we ended up where we are now. This is a long story.
Richard and I met on June 25th, 2002. He had been studying abroad at UCSB and had a group of friends visiting him from England. I had just graduated, and was preparing to move to Long Beach for graduate school. The night we met I was out with two of my best friends, saying goodbye to one of them who was moving home the next day. I saw Richard on the bus on the way downtown, and immediately liked what I saw. On the way home, he was waiting at the bus stop, and after a few drinks, I had the courage to approach him. We all went home together, and Richard and I sat on his balcony talking for hours.
We eventually started seeing each other a few times a week. Both of us knew that our time together would soon be ending, and frequently would wonder when we were together, would this be the last time? But there never ended up being a last time. The barrier that I was trying to maintain to protect my emotions faltered, and I found myself falling in love. Richard ended up moving to Long Beach with me to spend his last month in America with me. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me was taking him to the airport that September. We had agreed that we didn't want to end what we had started. I was planning a trip to England that winter before I had met Richard, so we agreed to see how things went.
That first month was horrible. I missed him so much. I had just started school, I didn't have any friends in Long Beach yet, I didn't have a job. I was devastated. Once the first month past, and I started working, things got easier. I booked my trip for two weeks at Christmas time. I started working full time in October. Time started to move more quickly. We were emailing daily and having long talks on the weekends when the time difference wasn't such an issue. Richard was finishing his master's degree and working as well. With both of us working and going to school full time, we didn't really have time for a relationship, so being long-distance was almost convenient.
I visited at Christmas and met his family. It was a wonderful trip. We decided we wanted to keep things going, and would see each other again in the summer. Richard came on June 26th, 2003. His plan was to get a job, and see how things worked out. We were naive. Turns out, you can't just come to America and get a job. September 11th and the following reform in immigration policies made things much more difficult. He was unable to find an employer that would sponsor a work (H1-B) visa. He had to return to England in September. I was losing hope. I thought I was losing him.
Our last day together, we went to The Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro, CA. We talked a lot about our relationship, our future. We decided the only way we would be able to be together would be to get married. We were both hesitant, we hadn't even lived together in the same city for more then three months. We both felt too young to get married. We thought that it was possibly an irresponsible decision. But the fact was, it was not going to work, this was our only option left. We agreed to give the long-distance another go, and Richard went back to England in September, and I began looking into fiance visas (K-1). Again, the first month was horrible, but we quickly slipped back into routines of emailing everyday and talking at the weekends. I visited again in January. We thought the visa would come through by April, but it didn't work out that way, again our naiveity. The last few months were very trying. We began texting and talking more, and by the last stretch, we were speaking every day. Richard finally came to America (for the last time, so far!!) on August 21, 2004. We hadn't seen each other in almost nine months.
Our first month together was blissful. We slipped easily into a routine of being together again. It was difficult for Richard not working, but he was actively looking work, and very supportive of what I was going through, working full time and finishing up my master's degree. We took a trip to Las Vegas with our closest friends, and were legally married on September 25, 2004. Since at this point, we had still not even lived in the same country for more then three months, we looked at the marriage as a means to an end, a paperwork issue. No rings were exchanged, no last names changed. Richard found a job and started working January 2, 2005. He got his temporary permanent residence in April 2005. September 2005 his job transferred him to Petaluma, CA. We moved together to the Bay Area, thinking there was no way that we would EVER do long-distance again. Richard received his green card in 2007. We had settled in to our life together, and were doing great until December 2007, when his job transferred him back to Orange County, CA. I was not in a place in my career where I could move. Plus, this move was temporary. He could be in Orange County for six days, weeks, or months. And there was no way of knowing for how long, or where he would be going next.
On December 3, 2007 we became long distance again. It has not been the same as it was before. We have both grown and changed, our relationship has grown and changed after living together for three years. We are both very busy with work and life, and find it hard at times to fit each other in, so we are struggling.
So that brings you all up to date finally. That is our beginning. And here is to the future. My next post will likely be a catharsis, so look forward to some emotional uploading.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Everything has a beginning...
Hello world wide web. This is my first attempt at blogging. I have decided to blog about being in a long-distance relationship for a number of reasons. One, is that as an aspiring Marriage and Family Therapist, I hope that the experience will be cathartic. Two, I am hoping to write a book about the subject one day, so I figured a blog may be a good place to start. Three, I am aspiring to use this blog to communicate with others that are in long-distance relationships (from here on out LDRs) to brainstorm topics that could go in a book on the subject, etc. Four, I would like to give advice to people that may be starting fresh in a LDR, since I am an MFT intern (not licensed), and because I have had a successful LDR. Read that as advice, not therapy!! And finally, it may provide some people out there with some entertainment. So this is probably boring as blogs go, but remember, I am a blog virgin. I need to think some more about what I want this to become, talk to my partner about what I can disclose, choose some photos to upload, etc. So I hope to be sharing more about myself and my partner with people out there soon!!
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