An Anniversary

I don't want to dwell because I have other things to share, but it looks like I didn't get the job in Long Beach. So, we continue doing what we are doing. And I am surprisingly okay with that. I have to believe that the Universe has some plan for us, and this is all part of that plan.

I returned to work on Wednesday after two weeks off with Richard and his parents. Even though I returned to work, I still had the three of them with me until yesterday. I was sad to see them go, and of course especially sad to see Richard go. It is amazing how easy it is to get comfortable being around him 24/7 after being used to only being around him two weekends a month. Although I really needed a good night's sleep last night, I missed him hogging the covers and sleeping in the exact middle of the bed. As I rolled over last night, I saw the date on my alarm clock and was jarred by the realization that yesterday was the five year anniversary of him coming to America. I wasn't able to reach him to honor the day together, and I was sad that I didn't remember it when I said goodbye to him that morning. So instead of reading a few paragraphs of a sappy book before falling asleep, I pulled out the box of old letters from him. The letters that we wrote to each other over two years, over 6,000 miles.

I randomly pulled out one from February 2003. I didn't realize how much I missed his letters. Our relationship is a different relationship now then it was then. We don't write letters anymore. We have succumbed to the convenience of modern technology. Even back then we emailed every day, but we didn't have Skype or web cams. We didn't instant message because of the time difference, and lack of Internet access. We couldn't afford to talk on the phone every day. We were not able to text each other. Now, we have all of those luxuries, so we don't have to write letters. We also have the foundation though that writing our letters created. So for those of you that are in newer LDRs, get out that pen and paper.

Nothing connects you like letter writing. It may not seem different than email, but it is. And I really miss it. The few times in the last two years I have received mail from Richard, I was filled with joy. Reading some of those letters last night moved me to tears, as I'm sure they did six years ago when I read them for the first time. So much time has passed, they are starting to actually look like old letters. It may be time to try and preserve them some how. Maybe in some plastic holders. I would love to combine both of our sets and bind them and each have a copy. Maybe I will be able to do that one day. I would hate to lose them somehow. If there was a fire in my home, and I had to get out quickly the only two things I would grab would be my pet and my letters from Richard. And I keep them in my nightstand for ease of access. If I had time, I would grab my other important papers and I would of course try to get my photographs, but more than anything, I would want those letters. In fact, I may need to invest in a fireproof safe. And after writing this, perhaps a new set of stationary.

Welcome to the 21st Century!

We got web cams! So I guess I will give a little background before I gush about our leap into the technology of 2000.
When Richard and I were first apart way back in 2002-2004 I'm fairly sure web cams were available. But Richard didn't have his own computer, so he did all his emailing from school or a roommate's computer. I had good old fashioned dial-up Net Zero. Am I taking you all back or what? No Ethernet, no broadband, no DSL, no cable Internet. This was the Internet of old where you could actually hear your modem dialing up. It took three minutes just to open an email. And you could only save about 100 messages in your hotmail account. Forget about downloading music, watching movies, or emailing pictures. Besides, neither of us had a digital camera anyway. So web cams and video chats were way out of our starving student tech reach.
Flash forward to 2005-2006. Richard and I are living together, but he is now separated from his family and friends. I hear about this service called Skype and I tell Richard about it and suggest we get a web cam that he can use to talk to his family for free! Well, he doesn't heed my advice and we continue to live in the 21st Century Stone Age.
Fast forward to January 2009. Richard hears from an old friend living in Malaysia who is all about the Skype. So Richard gets a web cam, and has a blast talking not only to his friend, but his parents too! I'm in, so last night I went to Radio Shack and got myself a little $30 web cam, microphone built-in. Before 8pm last night, Richard and I were video chatting away on Skype. You can also do free video chatting on Gmail, which I am also all about. So basically, I just want to say that this is great, and I'm really annoyed that it took us over a year to take this step. Obviously, it is nowhere near as good as seeing him in person and being able to touch him, but being able to see him laugh and smile is a huge improvement. Plus, we will be able to better read each other's non-verbal communication. So every time I say, "I'm fine" when I'm really pissed off, he will be able to tell that I'm really not fine! Also, being able to see each other reinforces the connection. Typically during our evening chats, we would talk for about 15 to 30 minutes max. Normally the conversations would go something like this: hi, how are you, fine, how was your day, fine, what are you doing, nothing, going to bed, talk to you tomorrow good night. Last night we talked for over an hour! And it was really hard to hang-up! I'm sure as with all things the novelty will wear off, but I'm stoked and I implore everyone to get with the times! What DID we do before free video chat?

Back to life

Hello out there and Happy New Year! It has been a long week readjusting back to real life. Richard and I were away for the Christmas holidays. We had a really splendid time. I could gush about it, but I'm trying to focus on getting used to the idea that we are apart again. This past week was the first week back to work, and back to being apart. It wasn't too bad of a transition after spending two solid weeks together. But it wasn't a good one, if there is such a thing.
I don't know really how to express this, but I find myself obsessing a lot. Always checking my phone and refreshing my email. I think part of it is that I know he isn't available for texting or emailing during the day, which results in me wanting it more. Which I guess is a fairly normal response. Tell me I can't have something and I want it that much more. It starts to seem like if I don't get that thing, I may not survive. But the truth is, I do survive. Our relationship survives without flooding each other's respective in boxes. Little expressions of what is our repetitive daily condition. Why do I crave it so much? There really isn't a need for status updates. I love him. I miss him. He loves and misses me. It isn't like the more I say it, or the more I hear it or read it, the less I miss him or the more I love him. The feelings remain the same.
Somehow though, the fact remains that I do want to hear from him more often. Not seeing him everyday really leaves a void. I want to try to fill it by hearing from him more than just our goodnight chat. I want to hear from him throughout the day. I want to know he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him. Would I want the contact as much as I do if it became routine? I can't answer that. I know I do notice it when I do receive a text or an email from him every once in a while during the work day. Whenever I complain about this to Richard, his response is, "what did we do before text?" The funny part is that before text we emailed every day and wrote letters. Doesn't really help his argument. At any rate, I think I am accepting that our relationship is what it is. I'm going to work on checking my phone less. I am also going to work on taking care of myself this year. My New Year's Resolutions are to: get into therapy as soon as possible, study and pass both of my licensing exams before the end of the year, and take better care of my health.
As far as our relationship goes, I don't know what the future will hold. Richard is back in Kansas until at earliest middle of February. He does not know when he will be back, or where he will be back to. He has no home in Southern California now. All of his belongings were moved to storage. So whatever the transition will be, it will not be an easy one for either of us. I just received an email from him that his employer is looking for some volunteer's to move to Guam. Guam!?! Yes, Guam. Looks like 2009 may have more upheaval than 2008. The good news is, whatever it is, we will get through it together.

Just when it seems safe to breathe...

Something knocks the wind out of me.
Richard just returned from Chicago on Tuesday. I was relieved that he was home and looking forward to falling back into some semblance of a routine together. Then he announced non-chalantly that he was moving to Kansas "for a month or two" on Friday afternoon. Air rapidly escaping lungs.
Okay, time for me to try to untangle this. I think what bothers me so much about this is his attitude that these kinds of changes should have no impact on me. Maybe they shouldn't, maybe I am overreacting, maybe I shouldn't have felt like I got punched in the gut. But to me, moving 1500 miles farther away, even though it is temporary, is a big deal.
I think the second reason I am so destabilized is that this solidifies that he has no intention of taking any action to try to bring us together sooner rather then later (i.e. job hunting!). That is probably the biggest blow to me. Being in a LDR is a two-lane highway. It takes two people to make it work and two people to work towards reuniting. I know I may have to move and quit my job and forfeit everything I have established here. However, whenever I talk about that, he stops me and says he does not want me to quit or lose what I have here. He talked non-stop over Labor Day weekend about finding a job here, and maybe even being up here as soon as Thanksgiving, and no action has been taken to follow up on those musings.
The third reason I am upset about this news is that we now have a time difference to navigate with already busy schedules. Anyone that has ever had to navigate a time difference will know how frustrating this can be. Thank God it is only two hours, but that two hours can still make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of our conversations, which have already been suffering for a long time. Not only that, but now it is a new routine to try to figure out. Bedtime for him may be before I even arrive home some evenings, so squeezing in a conversation that actually feels like we are connecting is going to be a challenge, especially since he refuses to use other modes of communicating because of his work schedule. And once we finally have it figured out, he will be back in Orange County, and then possibly moving to Victorville. Do we know when? No. No dates are set. No plans can be made. This will no doubt be another bomb dropped on me that I apparently am not entitled to have any feelings about.
So as I type, Richard is somewhere between Las Vegas and Denver heading towards Kansas City (yes by car, no less.) I basically feel like I have slowly lost my primary support person. I am lucky to have a strong support system that absorbed the brunt of the loss as it has progressed, but I just don't think that is a good sign for us in the long run. We are in desperate need of a plan, and that may be the topic of conversation over our visit next weekend. So more to come after that. For now, I will focus on breathing.

Good news, bad news

So the good news is Richard's company did not get the Chicago bid! Which means for the time being, we continue being long distance along the California coast. And that means we continue in the waiting period of not knowing when this will end, which is not a good place to be.
That is the good news out of the way. No on to the not so good news. This post is dedicated to the topic of communication. This is a huge topic when you are in a LDR, and I will likely be the herald of many more posts on the subject.
Yesterday was a very bad day for me. My mother decided to have a borderline episode on me, and I was not handling it well. I reached out to my partner for support. I tried calling him at noon. At three. At five. At seven. He did not return my calls until 9pm. He stated "Hi, I just got home from soccer." I immediatly was not pleased. I was not happy that when I needed him, he was not there for me. I work in an agency with fourteen other mental health professionals. I do not often seek support from him when I am surrounded by extremely giving, intelligent, insightful and astute people who love helping others. So when I do reach out to him, it is important. I asked him why he waited so long to call me back and he stated that this was the first time he looked at his phone. You are in a LDR and you don't look at your phone until 9pm, when you usually go to bed between 9 and 9:30? I was disappointed and a little appalled. When I brought my feelings to his attention, he stated, "Well I don't care about my phone." Which I heard as "I don't care about you." And that put him immediately on the defensive, and me into another spiral of grief. And he was no longer able to be comforting to me or show me any kind of empathy.
As far as that last statement goes, that is a personal battle we will have to address at another time. But if you are in a LDR it is not going to work without consistent communication. That phone is our lifeline. He is not on Facebook, MySpace, Gmail or any other instant messenger. He does not agree with receiving personal emails to his work email address. He does not check his personal email address at work. So the phone is our only line of communication. So for this to work, he needs to look at it, answer it, dial from it! He needs to be an active participant. A LDR will not work with only one participant. So his rebuttal, "what did people do before cell phones?" I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I am lucky enough to be in a LDR in the age of instant communication. Honestly, people in LDRs before instant communication probably did just great with their Courier pigeons and Morse Code. That isn't who we are anymore. You have a cell phone, use it.
Like I said above, this topic is huge, and has a lot of offspring topics that will require their own posts entirely, so the subject will likely come up in many future posts. After all, what is a LDR without communication? It can't be based on sex, it can't be based on enjoying similar hobbies, it has to be based on a solid foundation and then nurtured over distance through communication, which is tough. So communication is essential, and when communication is breaking down, it won't be long until the relationship breaks up.