Annevadaversary!

Today is the 5th Anniversary of K-1 Vegas Baby! Some of you were there to witness the magic. Part of me wants to post a picture, but I haven't made up my mind about picture posting on the blog yet.

For those of you that are confused, Richard and I were married in Vegas on September 25th, 2004. I cannot believe it has already been five years. I also cannot believe that he is on his way to Vegas as I write this and I am sitting at home alone! Normally I'm not a jealous girlfriend. Okay, most of the time I'm not a jealous girlfriend. But there is something that isn't fair about Boys Vegas Weekend being the same weekend as K-1 Vegas Baby's Five Year Anniversary. To be fair, this isn't really an anniversary that we celebrate. We celebrate the anniversary of when we met in June. And the task of that anniversary seems too much for Richard to handle, so I can't imagine loading him up with another anniversary. Another reason we don't celebrate this date is that we have talked about doing it again some day, only more properly. Think more ceremony and less 80s hair and make up. So it isn't like he took off to Vegas on our wedding anniversary. I just feel a bit left out.

The strain of not seeing each other for three weeks is taking its toll and we likely have another two weeks to go. I am hoping that he will decide to work extra hard this week and come up here on Friday, as he said he would earlier this week. But I am forever a realist. I am forecasting that a large party weekend in Vegas is going to make the chance of an upcoming visit equal to the chance of a snowstorm. For those unfamiliar with late September in San Francisco, the answer is zero percent chance.

On a brighter note, my mood has picked up again. I'm still disappointed with certain areas of life, but I am trying to focus on improving those areas rather than brooding over how much improvement they require. I have a long to-do list for this weekend, so hopefully I will be focused on myself and that list (which includes fun things) and not on missing my partner and imagining what shenanigans he is getting up to in Vegas.

Disconnect

This week hasn't been any easier emotionally than last week. I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. I know what I have been feeling depressed about, it isn't one thing, and it isn't anything fixable over night. Which I guess explains why I don't really feel any better. But I know that I haven't been very focused on any solutions, which is the biggest part of the problem. I have just been focused on wallowing, which I happen to do quite well, actually.

What also doesn't help matters is my recent disconnect from Richard. I have been trying to explore and figure out how it comes to be that someone I feel closest to can somehow seem the person I am most distanced from. Obvious answer: 396 miles of indisputable distance. Less obvious conclusion I can come up with is that no matter what our circumstances are, they become comfortable. Even the most hideous of human conditions become comforting in simply being what you are used to; what you know best. My relationship is no different. I have definitely become more comfortable with the distance, physically and emotionally. And as he continues to pull away to focus on work, I become more comfortable with the emotional distance. That isn't to say that I like it. I sure as hell don't like it one bit. But it is what it is.

This isn't the first time that this has happened to us. Nothing an intense weekend together won't fix. But sometimes those set-up to fail weekends do just that. And we don't have plans to see each other for another three long weeks. His work is showing no signs of slowing down, and he has a friend in town for two weeks, so rectifying the emotional distance is highly unlikely until we see each other again. Which I should use as an excuse to focus on myself and try to focus on fixing some of the things that have been getting me down. So, with a big sigh, I guess I will get on that. As they say, there is no better time than the present. And like always, he and I will plug back in eventually.

Abyss

Sometimes I feel like I am free falling into an abyss, no bottom to hit in sight. Eventually the fear abates, and all that is left is the anxiety of wondering when it will all end. If I sound melodramatic, I mean to. I want to dispose of some of this angst.

It has been a rough few weeks. Recovering from his family's visit, facing issues with my own family, the large issue of planning the holiday season, issues with my health, issues at work, and of course financial issues. So many issues, it is an abyss of issues! All of this has left me feeling depressed, anxious, and fed up. Nothing that won't alleviate soon. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I know this blog is focused on surviving the relationship, but I'm 50% of that relationship, and when I am not doing well...guess what? It impacts the relationship. I pick petty fights and feel upset about things maybe I shouldn't feel upset about and then I get numb and I don't feel upset about things I should probably feel upset about. Like this coming weekend.

This weekend is my high school reunion. I want him to be there with me. He agreed to go with me. I booked my flight into Los Angeles so we could drive to San Diego together. He has cancelled on me again because of work. I said it was fine, but I don't really feel fine about it. I want him to be there with me. But I feel too depressed about all of the other nonsense happening right now to fight for it. I don't want to have to fight for it. I want him to realize on his own that the right thing to do is to keep his word and accompany me. But as usual, I get to be the one at the dinner with the chair across from her empty. I'm so used to it, it doesn't even really hurt anymore. Its like when you bump an old injury, you get reminded of the pain, but the sting quickly passes. The good news is, I get to see my fabulous friends, and I look forward to them helping me get out of this funk and return to my old self.

Funk removed however, the anxiety of the free fall remains. I am ready for a change. I want to advance my career. I want to live with my partner. I want to make more money instead of spending money on plane fares and renting two apartments instead of just one every month. But the relationship remains part of the abyss. No end to the distance in sight. And now that I won't see him this weekend, I won't see him until October 8th. I feel the itch for something to change. It may hurt hitting that bottom, but I'm so ready.