Not Enjoying the Silence

It has been too long since I've posted. I wish I had a better excuse, but I don't. It hasn't been a lack of things to discuss or explore. Just general apathy with a touch of malaise.

I really, REALLY wanted this post to be the one where I said we were headed towards living together again. Things at his job were coming up and it looked really promising. And then it just fizzled out. It has been four or five weeks now since it first came up. I haven't completely given up hope yet, but it doesn't look good. We are coming up on our third Friday where we would "know for sure today." Let us see if this Friday turns out to be as disappointing as the others.

So that leaves us...here. Still. In two weeks, it will be the two year anniversary of us being apart. An anniversary I am not looking forward to. I didn't really think it would come. I didn't think we would let it come. I thought we had a plan. I thought I was going to get my license and head to wherever he was. I thought his station would be permanent by then. This was only a six month assignment. And yet, here we are. 24 months later. Twenty four months.

Part of me is losing hope that we can keep this up for much longer. But there are no alternatives. He will not quit his job. I cannot quit mine. There are no jobs in Southern California in my field. I do not want to move down there and start a private practice. That would anchor me there, and he is willing to go "wherever" his company sends him. Or rather, unwilling to set boundaries with his company on where he will go. Additionally and understandably, he is also hesitant to agree to financially support me while I attempt to make a successful practice in Southern California. So I can't take the risk of moving down there to end up in a regrettable situation. Whether it be becoming long-distance again, or our relationship strained and failing because of financial hardship.

When we are together, things are great. But when we are apart, it just isn't. He doesn't have internet at home anymore, so no more Skype. When we do talk on the phone, there isn't much to say. Conversations typically look like this:

"Hi."
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"Fine, how are you?"
"Fine. How was your day?"
"Shit. How was your day?"
"Shit. What are you doing now?"
"Eating and going to bed. You?"
"Eating and going to bed."
Silence.
"Okay, well goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow."

Wow. So....intense. So much sharing. Whatever happened to those sleepless nights spent talking all night? I'm not convinced things would be all that different if we did live together. But at least we could connect in other ways. Which we do when we are together. Which is what inspires me to just keep fucking going.

I used to really try to focus on the positive. I loved my job, my apartment, my independent life here. But my job is tanking, my career at a total standstill. My apartment is just four walls, and my life will follow me. I will not lose what I have made here. My good friends will stay my good friends and I will find more good friends elsewhere. I don't like sounding so dismal, but I'm just fed up. I want my partner back in my life full-time.

We spent the past weekend together and it was really nice. He held me in his arms on his bed as I cried about how much I missed that. Just simple hugs in simple moments. I'm really looking forward to a long break together over Thanksgiving. But what I am looking forward to most of all is finding a way to end this distance.

A Hint of Something in the Air

I feel it. Changes are coming. Big ones. And I am freaking out.

Of course I want to be back living with Richard. But after nearly two years, I have really grown used to things being the way they are. Which just supports the theory that no matter how awkward or awful your situation is, you become accustomed. You acclimate. It becomes comfortable. Which breeds resistance to change. I would like to think that I am adaptable, but I get very comfortable. And when I'm comfy, I don't like shifting around. I love my apartment, I love my neighborhood, I love my friends, I love my work (sometimes), I love my life, except for the bit about never seeing my partner. And even that seems to be working lately.

So what happens when we live together again? I'm trying to remember what it was like before, when he first came back from England for good in 2004. My memory thinks that the transition was flawless. That we just naturally fell into a wonderful, blissful coexistence and cohabitation. Now I'm wondering if that was true, if that was his experience as well. Regardless, it will be different this time. We are different people. We are five years older. We are in different places professionally and geographically. Which leads to the question of how and when this anticipated reunion will come to pass. Will he be moving? Will I be moving? Will we both be moving? When will these questions be answered? And the biggest question of all, what will it be like for us?

I'm thinking about what it will be like again to have his clothes strewn everywhere. To have cabinet doors left open. To have the tiny hairs from when he shaves left all over the bathroom sink. To have five glasses of water left all over the house. To have him in bed with me again EVERY night. To cuddle on the couch while we watch television. To talk about how our days were in person. To hold hands and go for walks. To spend all day in bed if we want and not feel like we HAVE to get out and do something since we only get eight days together a month. Wow, the more I think, the more I realize that things will be just fine. So winds of change, bring it on.

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Forecasting Plans

Wow time does seem to have a way of just going on by. It has been too long since I have posted, but not without good reason. First of all, I must admit that I am lucky to have my day job because it turns out that I am a crappy forecaster! In my last post I lamented about Richard talking about coming to see me the first weekend of the month, and how unrealistic that was considering everything else that was going on. I believe the comment was something to the effect of him coming to visit being as likely as snow in San Francisco. Well, I won't be too hard on myself because Richard did go back and forth on the whole idea the entire month of September, right up until the last minute. As I was making plans to go meet a girlfriend for dinner, he called me late afternoon to say that he would like to book a flight, if it was okay with me. Needless to say, yes it was very okay with me. It worked out great, I still saw my friend for dinner and swung by the airport on the way home to pick him up. It was a shorter visit than what we are used to, but it was really great having him in my space again.

The best part about the visit was that it was only four days until I got to see him again! I flew down south last Thursday and stayed my usual four nights. Even more exciting, that Friday Richard went to work and came home again before I even got in the shower! Being that such an event is so unusual, I was not able to post last week. This past weekend was also different because we had a solid itinerary for the weekend. We are chronic offenders in the 'what do you want to do?' 'I don't know, what do you want to do?' game. And that game gets old very quickly. At any rate, having the itinerary seemed to make the weekend run a lot more smoothly, so we are going to try to make an effort to make solid plans more often. That is a lot easier said than done. Especially when Richard is involved. He is terrible at making up his mind. Also, money is often an issue, since we spend so much money per month traveling. But the real obstacle is finding things that we both like doing, or compromising and finding things to do together. So I will be looking forward to reporting back on how we do. We see each other again next weekend. And so far, we have no plans. All I know is that it is great that we are back in our normal routine. I don't think we will go longer than two weeks without seeing each other for the rest of the year! So I hope we can come up with some good plans over all those weekends, especially over the holidays.

Speaking of planning, it continues to be strenuous still not having a clue what our long-term plan is. I continue to apply for jobs in Southern California, with no luck. And we continue to patiently wait to see what Richard's job has in store for him. It seems that some exciting things are in the pipeline, so hopefully we will have some more important planning to do in the near future. But for now, we better get started on next weekend.

Annevadaversary!

Today is the 5th Anniversary of K-1 Vegas Baby! Some of you were there to witness the magic. Part of me wants to post a picture, but I haven't made up my mind about picture posting on the blog yet.

For those of you that are confused, Richard and I were married in Vegas on September 25th, 2004. I cannot believe it has already been five years. I also cannot believe that he is on his way to Vegas as I write this and I am sitting at home alone! Normally I'm not a jealous girlfriend. Okay, most of the time I'm not a jealous girlfriend. But there is something that isn't fair about Boys Vegas Weekend being the same weekend as K-1 Vegas Baby's Five Year Anniversary. To be fair, this isn't really an anniversary that we celebrate. We celebrate the anniversary of when we met in June. And the task of that anniversary seems too much for Richard to handle, so I can't imagine loading him up with another anniversary. Another reason we don't celebrate this date is that we have talked about doing it again some day, only more properly. Think more ceremony and less 80s hair and make up. So it isn't like he took off to Vegas on our wedding anniversary. I just feel a bit left out.

The strain of not seeing each other for three weeks is taking its toll and we likely have another two weeks to go. I am hoping that he will decide to work extra hard this week and come up here on Friday, as he said he would earlier this week. But I am forever a realist. I am forecasting that a large party weekend in Vegas is going to make the chance of an upcoming visit equal to the chance of a snowstorm. For those unfamiliar with late September in San Francisco, the answer is zero percent chance.

On a brighter note, my mood has picked up again. I'm still disappointed with certain areas of life, but I am trying to focus on improving those areas rather than brooding over how much improvement they require. I have a long to-do list for this weekend, so hopefully I will be focused on myself and that list (which includes fun things) and not on missing my partner and imagining what shenanigans he is getting up to in Vegas.

Disconnect

This week hasn't been any easier emotionally than last week. I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. I know what I have been feeling depressed about, it isn't one thing, and it isn't anything fixable over night. Which I guess explains why I don't really feel any better. But I know that I haven't been very focused on any solutions, which is the biggest part of the problem. I have just been focused on wallowing, which I happen to do quite well, actually.

What also doesn't help matters is my recent disconnect from Richard. I have been trying to explore and figure out how it comes to be that someone I feel closest to can somehow seem the person I am most distanced from. Obvious answer: 396 miles of indisputable distance. Less obvious conclusion I can come up with is that no matter what our circumstances are, they become comfortable. Even the most hideous of human conditions become comforting in simply being what you are used to; what you know best. My relationship is no different. I have definitely become more comfortable with the distance, physically and emotionally. And as he continues to pull away to focus on work, I become more comfortable with the emotional distance. That isn't to say that I like it. I sure as hell don't like it one bit. But it is what it is.

This isn't the first time that this has happened to us. Nothing an intense weekend together won't fix. But sometimes those set-up to fail weekends do just that. And we don't have plans to see each other for another three long weeks. His work is showing no signs of slowing down, and he has a friend in town for two weeks, so rectifying the emotional distance is highly unlikely until we see each other again. Which I should use as an excuse to focus on myself and try to focus on fixing some of the things that have been getting me down. So, with a big sigh, I guess I will get on that. As they say, there is no better time than the present. And like always, he and I will plug back in eventually.

Abyss

Sometimes I feel like I am free falling into an abyss, no bottom to hit in sight. Eventually the fear abates, and all that is left is the anxiety of wondering when it will all end. If I sound melodramatic, I mean to. I want to dispose of some of this angst.

It has been a rough few weeks. Recovering from his family's visit, facing issues with my own family, the large issue of planning the holiday season, issues with my health, issues at work, and of course financial issues. So many issues, it is an abyss of issues! All of this has left me feeling depressed, anxious, and fed up. Nothing that won't alleviate soon. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I know this blog is focused on surviving the relationship, but I'm 50% of that relationship, and when I am not doing well...guess what? It impacts the relationship. I pick petty fights and feel upset about things maybe I shouldn't feel upset about and then I get numb and I don't feel upset about things I should probably feel upset about. Like this coming weekend.

This weekend is my high school reunion. I want him to be there with me. He agreed to go with me. I booked my flight into Los Angeles so we could drive to San Diego together. He has cancelled on me again because of work. I said it was fine, but I don't really feel fine about it. I want him to be there with me. But I feel too depressed about all of the other nonsense happening right now to fight for it. I don't want to have to fight for it. I want him to realize on his own that the right thing to do is to keep his word and accompany me. But as usual, I get to be the one at the dinner with the chair across from her empty. I'm so used to it, it doesn't even really hurt anymore. Its like when you bump an old injury, you get reminded of the pain, but the sting quickly passes. The good news is, I get to see my fabulous friends, and I look forward to them helping me get out of this funk and return to my old self.

Funk removed however, the anxiety of the free fall remains. I am ready for a change. I want to advance my career. I want to live with my partner. I want to make more money instead of spending money on plane fares and renting two apartments instead of just one every month. But the relationship remains part of the abyss. No end to the distance in sight. And now that I won't see him this weekend, I won't see him until October 8th. I feel the itch for something to change. It may hurt hitting that bottom, but I'm so ready.

Milestones

Today is Richard's birthday. In the seven years we have known one another, this is his first birthday that he is spending alone. In 2002 we had known each other for just about two months. A few of his friends and his sister had come to visit for the summer, but everyone returned home before his birthday. I promised him that I would spend his birthday with him, even if I had to drive back to Santa Barbara from Long Beach. Which I did, and I got a speeding ticket on the way. In 2003, he had returned to California from June through September, so we had his birthday together that year. 2004 gave us a lot to celebrate, as he had just returned to California nine days before his birthday. So that year had a few celebrations. And not even a year later, he was moving again, but this time up to the Bay Area. When his birthday came, I had moved up here as well and we were living in an Extended Stay Motel. Since I was unemployed, he got some "gift coupons" to be used when I had a job. I don't think he ever cashed them in. Oh, and he also got a balloon. In 2006 I took him to see one of his favorite bands Zero 7 at the legendary Fillmore in San Francisco. 2007 his parents were here for a visit and last year he came up here to visit me so we could spend the weekend together. We had just returned from a trip to Greece for his friend's wedding, so it was nice to just relax together. It is a similar situation this year, since his parents were just here for three weeks. But he is spending his birthday alone. Not even a balloon this year, and that makes me sad. I know we will make up for it next weekend, which is a long weekend for us both. So we will be celebrating a lot then, just four nights away. But I hate to think of him alone today. I miss him a lot and I really wish I was there to hug him. I am tired of milestones passing us by while we are 397 miles apart.

An Anniversary

I don't want to dwell because I have other things to share, but it looks like I didn't get the job in Long Beach. So, we continue doing what we are doing. And I am surprisingly okay with that. I have to believe that the Universe has some plan for us, and this is all part of that plan.

I returned to work on Wednesday after two weeks off with Richard and his parents. Even though I returned to work, I still had the three of them with me until yesterday. I was sad to see them go, and of course especially sad to see Richard go. It is amazing how easy it is to get comfortable being around him 24/7 after being used to only being around him two weekends a month. Although I really needed a good night's sleep last night, I missed him hogging the covers and sleeping in the exact middle of the bed. As I rolled over last night, I saw the date on my alarm clock and was jarred by the realization that yesterday was the five year anniversary of him coming to America. I wasn't able to reach him to honor the day together, and I was sad that I didn't remember it when I said goodbye to him that morning. So instead of reading a few paragraphs of a sappy book before falling asleep, I pulled out the box of old letters from him. The letters that we wrote to each other over two years, over 6,000 miles.

I randomly pulled out one from February 2003. I didn't realize how much I missed his letters. Our relationship is a different relationship now then it was then. We don't write letters anymore. We have succumbed to the convenience of modern technology. Even back then we emailed every day, but we didn't have Skype or web cams. We didn't instant message because of the time difference, and lack of Internet access. We couldn't afford to talk on the phone every day. We were not able to text each other. Now, we have all of those luxuries, so we don't have to write letters. We also have the foundation though that writing our letters created. So for those of you that are in newer LDRs, get out that pen and paper.

Nothing connects you like letter writing. It may not seem different than email, but it is. And I really miss it. The few times in the last two years I have received mail from Richard, I was filled with joy. Reading some of those letters last night moved me to tears, as I'm sure they did six years ago when I read them for the first time. So much time has passed, they are starting to actually look like old letters. It may be time to try and preserve them some how. Maybe in some plastic holders. I would love to combine both of our sets and bind them and each have a copy. Maybe I will be able to do that one day. I would hate to lose them somehow. If there was a fire in my home, and I had to get out quickly the only two things I would grab would be my pet and my letters from Richard. And I keep them in my nightstand for ease of access. If I had time, I would grab my other important papers and I would of course try to get my photographs, but more than anything, I would want those letters. In fact, I may need to invest in a fireproof safe. And after writing this, perhaps a new set of stationary.

Taking to the Air

No word yet from the job I interviewed for last week. C'est la vie as they say. I am trying to not be disappointed and trying to focus on the positive. Easier said than done, of course. I was already envisioning how to spend the increase in salary. And I know better than to count my chickens before they hatch.

Currently I am preparing for a ten day holiday. I will try to post while I am away, but no guarantees. Richard's parents are coming to visit, so we will be giving them lots of overdue attention and trying to be the best hosts that we can be. Which isn't easy considering we are split over 400 miles of California! And of course, there was the discussion of which area is better for entertaining our guests. Some of our itinerary still isn't confirmed, so it will be interesting to see which half of California wins. Either way, I am really looking forward to seeing the folks, and really looking forward to not being at work!

To keep my roll of cliche sayings going, all good things must come to an end, so returning to life and work and long-distance relationship always leads to post-vacation blues for both of us. Richard is always sad to see his family go and gets especially homesick after visits, so I am anticipating more to say about that in coming posts. He is prone to bottling up his feelings and then exploding, as many people are. Then I am prone to taking responsibility for his upset feelings, then creating my own upset feelings. Hopefully that is a familiar show we can avoid this time around.

So with that, it is time to take off! Keep those suggestions and comments coming, and please subscribe if you haven't already. Also, you can rate the blog on blogcatalog.com. Cheers!

The Fear Factor

A friend of mine requested that I tackle this topic, and when she said it, I immediately realized how truly fitting this post was for this week.

For those of you that are in or have been in a LDR, you may know what I am about to describe. Picture it: you have been apart from your partner. Separated due to extenuating circumstances from your lover, your best friend, your support system. Maybe it has been a few months, maybe it has even been years. And finally, the time has come. The hours, days, weeks and months have passed. You have drawn a line through each small square on the calendar. The day has finally arrived. Maybe you are at the airport. Maybe you are at home. You are going to see that person's face in the flesh for the first time in far too long. The anticipation, the joy, the rapture...

THE FEAR!

That's right, you did not misread. The gut-wrenching, palm sweating, speech stammering kind. And let me tell you, it is intense. I will never forget the two (yes, TWO) times I stood in the international terminal at LAX. The first time was in June 2003 and we had been apart for six months. Six months that felt like six years when you are 23. I had bought a new dress, new purse, new necklace and new bracelet. I wanted to look perfect. I had cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, it looked like no one had ever lived there. I had been up for hours. I got to the airport nearly an hour early, after all, I sure did not want to get stuck in LA traffic on such an important day! I forgot to account for baggage claim and clearing customs. I must have stood in that terminal sweating and trembling for close to two and a half hours. Putting someone that is already mildly anxious in that kind of anxiety provoking situation is a bad recipe. I had imagined every dreadful, catastrophic outcome you could imagine. From "what if he doesn't think I am pretty anymore?" to "oh my God oh my God oh my God, what if he just turns around and books a flight home?" to "OH MY GOD HE DID NOT EVEN GET ON THE PLANE!" since of course it seemed as though he was the last one to come around that corner. But when he did and when we hugged, all doubts were gone. That is, until we got in the car. Silences seemed long. Then we arrived home and the thoughts returned. The scariest thought of all: "my god, what if this doesn't work?" And that is a scary feeling.

You would figure it would be a little easier the second time around in August 2004, this time after nine months apart. But no. I was still at the airport too early, I was still an anxious, shaky, sweaty mess, and I was still so scared that there was a possibility that I had invested so much time, money, and pain for nothing. And that time was even more scary because we had a Vegas wedding planned a month later. And we had never lived in the same city for more than three months, let alone the same small apartment. But you all know how that turned out.

So why is this subject pertinent this week? Fast forward five years. It's July 31, 2009. And I had a job interview today. In Long Beach. And I am terrified.

I know deep down that Richard and I are solid. No question about that. But changing jobs, moving back to Southern California, and living together again....under one roof...without another roof to return to...with one bathroom...and one closet! I need to take some deep breaths into a paper bag!

Change in general is scary. But change that directly impacts your primary relationship and the means in which you support yourself, that is just big. It is hard to really put into words. I know Richard and I get along great. I know we aren't in danger of splitting up, which was more what the fear was about in 2003 and 2004. But I know this isn't going to be an easy transition for us. I'm afraid that we won't be as happy for a bit. That the transition will cause stress and will affect us and our mutual happiness, which has been pretty high lately. That his job will move him and the honeymoon will be short lived. But what is life if you don't take some risks? And so far, all the "risks" I have taken on Richard have proven to be well worth it.

I guess the moral of the story is to forget the fear and take the plunge. If the result turns out to not be the one you wanted, it is better to know sooner rather than later. And as for me, I guess I should just wait and see what this job has to say before I start breathing into the paper bag.

The Question of Faith

Today I thought I would tackle a big subject. I was thinking about writing about this topic earlier in the week, but then I had a conversation with Richard and it sealed the deal. Someone close to him recently was informed that his partner had been unfaithful. I know the topic of fidelity has come up between Richard and myself. And it has certainly come up in discussions with other people when they find out I am in a long-distance relationship. So I thought I would share some thoughts and experiences.

First things first, a disclaimer. I am only an expert on my own experience. What works for me does not work for everyone and vice versa. I know there are couples out there that can make open relationships or polyamorous relationships work. If they can, more power to them. I know that I could not make that work. I am not being judgemental of anyone else's relationship choice, just as I would hope they would not be judgmental of mine.

The problem is, people are judgemental. They take stereotypes and they run with them. Or they take their own experiences and attempt to globalize to others. I have experienced this first hand when I tell people that I am in a long-distance relationship. I don't have this experience as much now that I am seeing Richard more frequently but when we spent the better part of two years apart, almost every person I talked to seemed to have the same questions and reactions. How long have you been apart? Are you seeing other people? No. Oh. Hmm.

They didn't always come right out and say it, but they didn't have to. I could see it all over their face. I could practically hear the conclusions coming from their mind. The pity. The verdict that I must be naive. Maybe I wasn't cheating, but he sure as heck was. Guys can't go for that long without sex. I used to walk away from those conversations feeling disturbed, sometimes even suspicious of my partner. I know Richard had similar experiences. But somehow, deep down, I never really doubted him. Sometimes I required some reassurances, but I don't think that is unique to long-distance relationships.

Now all these years later I can say with confidence that Richard has been and is faithful. I am sure during those two years he did things that I would not classify as appropriate. I did as well. We are human. Believe me, it was torture being separated from my partner for that long, but we got through it. And we continue to work around the obstacles. One of those most frequent offerings I heard from others was "Wow...I could never do that." Perhaps not, it is not for everyone. But when it is right, it is right and it can certainly be done.

Having said that, I'm not sure what difference it would make now if I found out Richard had been truly unfaithful during those two years, meaning having sex with someone else. I think I could live with that and continue to move on in our relationship. If I were to find out that he had sex with someone else recently, that would be a problem. Or had a full blown relationship with someone else, that would be a problem. But relationships have all kinds of speed bumps, and infidelity is a common one. And you don't have to be geographically separated from your partner to have infidelity come up in your relationship. Which is why I find it perplexing when people insinuate that LDRs are more at risk for cheating than other relationships.

My thoughts seemed to have scattered, but the bottom line of what I want to say is don't let other people's judgements influence your feelings about your partner or your relationship. Thousands of people have successful LDRs. If I let other people influence my relationship, there is no way Richard and I would be where we are today. Each couple has to navigate these issues on their own. And one couple's model might not work for another couple. I think the best motto to go by is to stay safe and try to make sure no one gets hurt. As for me, I'm happy in the knowledge that my relationship has weathered some storms, with little structural damage. And we will of course face more storms, but we will do it together.

Catching Up

Well it has certainly been a long time since I've written anything. It hasn't been from lack of things to say or share. I guess it just took me awhile to get back into swing of my normal life. I took my first MFT exam on April 3rd, so I spent two months studying for that. So that slowed down my posting. I kept in the groove and took my second exam on May 15th. Passed both, so I am happy to report that I am now a licensed MFT in the great State of California! The shock of it all being over left me feeling like I needed some serious recuperation time. I can't really explain how it feels to wholly devote the last seven years to this and have it finally be completed. The circle is closed and I can finally focus on beginning a career, rather than trudging through interndom. I had to readjust to being able to do fun things with friends instead of spending all my free time studying. So I think I am just about recuperated, so my plan is to devote some time to blogging every Friday.

Lots has happened on the relationship front as well. Richard was very supportive to me while I was studying and decompensating into a very anxious, less sane version of myself. We agreed that nothing would change on my end until after my examinations were done, meaning I wouldn't be job hunting for positions in the Los Angeles area. Furthermore, since he is still awaiting to get moved to a more permanent placement, we agreed to just continue to play the waiting game. As of today, he still has no idea where he may end up. I have started browsing for opportunities in the Los Angeles area, but the economy has hit the world of mental health hard.

What did change however, was his status with his company. I can't divulge too much here, but what I can say is that the nail is in the coffin and he will not be looking for another job. So any hope of him returning to the Bay Area in a new, less stressful job is gone, with the exception of the occasional bid for work in the Northern California area.

What also changed was his living situation. On May 1st, he moved into his own place. So our set up of him coming up here all the time reversed to me going down there. I have Fridays off from work, so we set it up so I fly down Thursday night after work and fly back Monday. BART makes it really simple to get between the airport and work. So now we have the luxury of four nights together per week every two weeks! Plus, with me in charge of planning, I can book ahead of time and get the cheapest fares for flights. So that has been our MO for the last couple of months. However, we did have a flight booked for him for Memorial Day weekend because we had concert tickets.

That didn't go so well. Richard was holding on to some resentment about being the one always coming up here and we ended up in our most serious argument we have ever had. I will spare you the gory details, but it was bad. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened because I said a lot of things that I needed to say. I expressed how I really felt like second fiddle to his job most of the time and he admitted that is in fact what I am. It wasn't in a nasty, malicious way. He was just speaking his truth. And if I really look at myself, I have been very focused on my career the last seven years as well. I think just actually hearing him say it, in some way, gave me some peace. It gave me the opportunity to really look at myself and my priorities and think more about what I want for myself for my career. It also reinforced to me that we can both focus on our careers because neither one of us is going anywhere. So I really felt like our commitment has been reinforced through all of this.

So, I have really come to a place of acceptance for where we are now. I have enjoyed being licensed so far and the four nights together REALLY makes a HUGE difference. I cannot stress this enough. And in addition, I get every other weekend to myself to enjoy my girlfriends and enjoy all the culture of the Bay Area. Oh and I can't forget to mention that I started my own therapy in April, which has helped tremendously. So I guess to sum it all up, life is good. I really want to express my profound gratitude to all my friends that have supported me unrelentingly over the last months. I also want to say thanks to the people that I don't know personally that read my thoughts here and leave comments. Some of you have left comments asking for advice, but I can't find a way to contact you back. So please feel free to email me directly and please subscribe. I'm back in business, see you all next Friday.

Busy busy busy

Regrettably, it has been awhile since I posted, but it is never far from my mind. I always have a great deal to say about this LDR quandary. Lots of hopes and dreams. Lots of laments and despair. At this moment, there is more lamenting and despair and not much new to report. I have been trying very hard to keep my attention focused on my studies, preparing for my first licensing exam. The date is rapidly approaching, and will be sure to keep the site updated with the progress of that particular series of stress and torture. Richard is back in SoCal. We had a lovely weekend together in Santa Fe, NM the last weekend in February. He is now back living with his roommates, which means less time to talk and no more Skype, which is sad. I have really been missing that the past few weeks. So we decided not to see each other again until I am done with my test, so I can devote my entire weekends to my revising. No updates with his work, and there probably won't be for some time. In this economy, I am hesitant to give up a really, really good gig up here and move down there. I would if he could promise me that his job will keep him in SoCal, which he is not willing to do. He will willingly go wherever they send him, no questions asked. So I don't want to uproot my life to be uprooted again in a few weeks or months. So we keep on keeping on. For how long can this go on, I'm not sure, but we will both find out.

Always missing...

I have been putting off this post because it isn't a very positive one. I thought if I gave it some time, my attitude would improve. Maybe my outlook would change. But alas, I continue to reside in the bitter barn.

Valentine's weekend overall was okay. Richard and I were in a knock-down drag out fight within about 15 minutes of seeing each other, which is not like us at all. In fact, we have never been in an argument that involved that much shouting. I can't even really recall how it escalated so dramatically and so quickly, but it did. So that poisoned the weekend a bit. We managed to have a decent time at his work event on Friday, by just putting it all behind us. Not the best approach, because nothing was resolved, and the hurt lingers. I still have bitter feelings about things that were said. Saturday spent with my parents was not as painful as I was anticipating. But I didn't get to see my friends, which is the best part of going to San Diego for me. I ended up coming home on Sunday because Richard had to return to Kansas on Sunday, since his job does not honor President's Day as a holiday. That also dampened the weekend. Cutting short what was a long weekend for me.

Despite having seen each other, I reverted right back in to MISSING. I was missing him the minute I stepped foot out of the rental car. Pining, in fact. I am ALWAYS missing. I miss him. I miss sex. I miss companionship. I miss going places together. I miss waking up in the same bed. I miss laughing together instead of always talking about something serious. I feel like I am missing out on a lot that being in a relationship is all about. I am a missing person. But not in the milk carton sense.

The latest is that he is leaving Kansas this weekend. We have plans to meet up in New Mexico to explore Santa Fe, which we have always wanted to do. But I am not holding my breath and am not going to be excited to see him until I am on the plane on Friday. After that, he will be back in SoCal for five months to train new employees before being placed on a job. Five months doesn't sound too bad. However, he was only supposed to be in Kansas for one month. So five months later, I am not confident that five months will not somehow turn into ten months. They just won a bid for a big job in Los Angeles, which is really good news. They are also working on bids for jobs in Anaheim, Blythe, Montana, Guam and possibly a big job right here in the Bay, which I am obviously the biggest fan of. Which naturally means it won't happen. That would just be too easy. So that is it for now. I am going to go and try to find the will to get out of the bitter barn and take a roll in the hay.

No news is good news

Or in this case, no news is pretty much no news. It has been some time since I have been able to post. Mostly that is due to the fact that there really hasn't been much to say. It is also due to how busy I have been recently. I knew that in January I would be finishing up the 3000 required hours of experience that must be completed prior to commencing the testing process for the California MFT license. So the last few weeks have passed with me stressing out about getting all the paperwork together to prove that I completed my hours and mail the application to the licensing board, which was finally accomplished last Thursday. That is good news. That is the only good news.
Richard was supposedly moving back to SoCal this week, but of course that has changed. He will be returning back to Kansas after his employer's annual meeting/party this weekend. Which means I have one less night with him this weekend. The sad part is, I don't even feel all that disappointed. I am used to being let down when it his employer has any influence. And they seem to have a lot of influence.
The other bad news is that instead of spending Saturday night in his new living space, we will be spending it with my parents in San Diego. Yes that is correct, Valentine's night spent in a twin bed in my parents home. So I'm pretty much set up for the worst Valentine's night in history. Which at least means they can only get better from this point on!
Our visit over Superbowl weekend was unremarkable. Besides the Pittsburgh Steelers becoming the first team to ever win six championships. That was pretty remarkable. And Richard, who despises all things sports, watched the whole game with me! And he even cheered a few times, which I greatly appreciated. That too was remarkable I suppose.
I hope that I don't sound too dismal. It is just that life in the LDR is a bit dismal at the minute. Richard is worried about job security, as many folks are in this economy. I am worried about passing my licensing exam, so I am trying to spend the majority of my free times studying. Which I am finding more and more difficult to do. Turns out my attention span isn't what is was when I was a graduate student five years ago, and it wasn't much to speak of back then. So we don't have much to talk about when we do talk. Although I must reiterate how fun Skype can be. It is great hearing his voice AND getting to see his face!
I just think that I have come to an impasse of sorts. I'm getting to the point where it is safer to not be excited about things because I save myself from the heart-wrenching disappointment. Maybe the stress of my application and exam has replaced the stress of my LDR. For example, we are seeing each other this weekend, but we have no plans to see each other after that. In the past, I would be crawling with anxiety wanting to get a flight booked so that we can see each other as soon as possible, for a reasonable fare. After all, there is much more than just the emotional cost of an LDR (maybe that can be my next attempt at a statistics post). But at this point, I just feel a bit numb to the whole thing. Maybe one of these days I will have some good news to report. Until then, I'm hitting the books and hopefully having a good time this coming weekend.

Some statistics

I am no mathematician. Anyone that knows me well knows this to be true. I cannot figure out how much to tip a cab driver, and I can barely keep my checking account from getting withdrawn. But I decided to attempt the daunting task of figuring out exactly how many times I actually saw Richard in 2008. Sounds boring? It probably is, but they say you can't argue with numbers, so here goes.

Out of 366 days in 2008, I saw Richard 84 days. That may sound like a lot, but when you break it down into a percentage, that is 23% (.229 to be exact). That isn't even a quarter! When you break it down into weekends, we spent 21 weekends together, 37% of all possible weekends. These are numbers that I am not happy about.

In discussing LDRs with my friends at work earlier this week, I came to the depressing conclusion that I have no perks in my life. I live a life that is similar to that of a single person. I can go out when I want, come home when I want. No one leaves the kitchen cabinets open, or the toilet seat up or smelly socks all over the place. But I don't have any of the perks of being single. I don't get to flirt, I don't get drinks bought for me, and I don't meet new and interesting people in the dating scene. And I go to bed alone 282 nights per year.

And on the flip side, I don't have the perks of being in a relationship. I don't have a date to my holiday party tonight. I don't have someone to hug when I need to, to have everyday romance with. I don't get to say good morning or good night to the person I love. I have someone I talk to almost everyday, but that I only get to touch 84 times in a year.

So my conclusion is that LDRs are a form of self-hate. True masochistic (see second definition) torture. I suppose the payoff is in the end, but with no end in sight, it is hard to not get demoralized.

Welcome to the 21st Century!

We got web cams! So I guess I will give a little background before I gush about our leap into the technology of 2000.
When Richard and I were first apart way back in 2002-2004 I'm fairly sure web cams were available. But Richard didn't have his own computer, so he did all his emailing from school or a roommate's computer. I had good old fashioned dial-up Net Zero. Am I taking you all back or what? No Ethernet, no broadband, no DSL, no cable Internet. This was the Internet of old where you could actually hear your modem dialing up. It took three minutes just to open an email. And you could only save about 100 messages in your hotmail account. Forget about downloading music, watching movies, or emailing pictures. Besides, neither of us had a digital camera anyway. So web cams and video chats were way out of our starving student tech reach.
Flash forward to 2005-2006. Richard and I are living together, but he is now separated from his family and friends. I hear about this service called Skype and I tell Richard about it and suggest we get a web cam that he can use to talk to his family for free! Well, he doesn't heed my advice and we continue to live in the 21st Century Stone Age.
Fast forward to January 2009. Richard hears from an old friend living in Malaysia who is all about the Skype. So Richard gets a web cam, and has a blast talking not only to his friend, but his parents too! I'm in, so last night I went to Radio Shack and got myself a little $30 web cam, microphone built-in. Before 8pm last night, Richard and I were video chatting away on Skype. You can also do free video chatting on Gmail, which I am also all about. So basically, I just want to say that this is great, and I'm really annoyed that it took us over a year to take this step. Obviously, it is nowhere near as good as seeing him in person and being able to touch him, but being able to see him laugh and smile is a huge improvement. Plus, we will be able to better read each other's non-verbal communication. So every time I say, "I'm fine" when I'm really pissed off, he will be able to tell that I'm really not fine! Also, being able to see each other reinforces the connection. Typically during our evening chats, we would talk for about 15 to 30 minutes max. Normally the conversations would go something like this: hi, how are you, fine, how was your day, fine, what are you doing, nothing, going to bed, talk to you tomorrow good night. Last night we talked for over an hour! And it was really hard to hang-up! I'm sure as with all things the novelty will wear off, but I'm stoked and I implore everyone to get with the times! What DID we do before free video chat?

Back to life

Hello out there and Happy New Year! It has been a long week readjusting back to real life. Richard and I were away for the Christmas holidays. We had a really splendid time. I could gush about it, but I'm trying to focus on getting used to the idea that we are apart again. This past week was the first week back to work, and back to being apart. It wasn't too bad of a transition after spending two solid weeks together. But it wasn't a good one, if there is such a thing.
I don't know really how to express this, but I find myself obsessing a lot. Always checking my phone and refreshing my email. I think part of it is that I know he isn't available for texting or emailing during the day, which results in me wanting it more. Which I guess is a fairly normal response. Tell me I can't have something and I want it that much more. It starts to seem like if I don't get that thing, I may not survive. But the truth is, I do survive. Our relationship survives without flooding each other's respective in boxes. Little expressions of what is our repetitive daily condition. Why do I crave it so much? There really isn't a need for status updates. I love him. I miss him. He loves and misses me. It isn't like the more I say it, or the more I hear it or read it, the less I miss him or the more I love him. The feelings remain the same.
Somehow though, the fact remains that I do want to hear from him more often. Not seeing him everyday really leaves a void. I want to try to fill it by hearing from him more than just our goodnight chat. I want to hear from him throughout the day. I want to know he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him. Would I want the contact as much as I do if it became routine? I can't answer that. I know I do notice it when I do receive a text or an email from him every once in a while during the work day. Whenever I complain about this to Richard, his response is, "what did we do before text?" The funny part is that before text we emailed every day and wrote letters. Doesn't really help his argument. At any rate, I think I am accepting that our relationship is what it is. I'm going to work on checking my phone less. I am also going to work on taking care of myself this year. My New Year's Resolutions are to: get into therapy as soon as possible, study and pass both of my licensing exams before the end of the year, and take better care of my health.
As far as our relationship goes, I don't know what the future will hold. Richard is back in Kansas until at earliest middle of February. He does not know when he will be back, or where he will be back to. He has no home in Southern California now. All of his belongings were moved to storage. So whatever the transition will be, it will not be an easy one for either of us. I just received an email from him that his employer is looking for some volunteer's to move to Guam. Guam!?! Yes, Guam. Looks like 2009 may have more upheaval than 2008. The good news is, whatever it is, we will get through it together.