First things first, a disclaimer. I am only an expert on my own experience. What works for me does not work for everyone and vice versa. I know there are couples out there that can make open relationships or polyamorous relationships work. If they can, more power to them. I know that I could not make that work. I am not being judgemental of anyone else's relationship choice, just as I would hope they would not be judgmental of mine.
The problem is, people are judgemental. They take stereotypes and they run with them. Or they take their own experiences and attempt to globalize to others. I have experienced this first hand when I tell people that I am in a long-distance relationship. I don't have this experience as much now that I am seeing Richard more frequently but when we spent the better part of two years apart, almost every person I talked to seemed to have the same questions and reactions. How long have you been apart? Are you seeing other people? No. Oh. Hmm.
They didn't always come right out and say it, but they didn't have to. I could see it all over their face. I could practically hear the conclusions coming from their mind. The pity. The verdict that I must be naive. Maybe I wasn't cheating, but he sure as heck was. Guys can't go for that long without sex. I used to walk away from those conversations feeling disturbed, sometimes even suspicious of my partner. I know Richard had similar experiences. But somehow, deep down, I never really doubted him. Sometimes I required some reassurances, but I don't think that is unique to long-distance relationships.
Now all these years later I can say with confidence that Richard has been and is faithful. I am sure during those two years he did things that I would not classify as appropriate. I did as well. We are human. Believe me, it was torture being separated from my partner for that long, but we got through it. And we continue to work around the obstacles. One of those most frequent offerings I heard from others was "Wow...I could never do that." Perhaps not, it is not for everyone. But when it is right, it is right and it can certainly be done.
Having said that, I'm not sure what difference it would make now if I found out Richard had been truly unfaithful during those two years, meaning having sex with someone else. I think I could live with that and continue to move on in our relationship. If I were to find out that he had sex with someone else recently, that would be a problem. Or had a full blown relationship with someone else, that would be a problem. But relationships have all kinds of speed bumps, and infidelity is a common one. And you don't have to be geographically separated from your partner to have infidelity come up in your relationship. Which is why I find it perplexing when people insinuate that LDRs are more at risk for cheating than other relationships.
My thoughts seemed to have scattered, but the bottom line of what I want to say is don't let other people's judgements influence your feelings about your partner or your relationship. Thousands of people have successful LDRs. If I let other people influence my relationship, there is no way Richard and I would be where we are today. Each couple has to navigate these issues on their own. And one couple's model might not work for another couple. I think the best motto to go by is to stay safe and try to make sure no one gets hurt. As for me, I'm happy in the knowledge that my relationship has weathered some storms, with little structural damage. And we will of course face more storms, but we will do it together.
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