I was planning on posting something extremely interesting and profound, but my pre-vacation to do list kept growing and growing, and now I am out of time. Well, I'm not out of time actually, but I am feeling very stressed out, sensitive, irritated and over-reactive. So now is not the time for me to explore the new dynamics of my relationship.
That being said, Richard and I are taking off tomorrow for England. I wish everyone a dry, warm, snuggly, happy holiday season, and I will be sure to post all about the trip in January.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
My LDR with my family
As I have mentioned before, I think long-distance relationships come in many packages. You mostly only hear about intimate relationships being long-distance, probably because they are the most traumatic and the most difficult to maintain. But MANY, many of us are separated from our friends and family. Almost every single person I know is far, far away from someone they love deeply. In fact, I am having a hard time thinking of one person I know that is not far away from at least one person they love. And all of these people have to work at maintaining these relationships. I have to work at maintaining my long-distance relationship with Richard and with many of my friends, but I have to work very hard at maintaining my long-distance relationship with my family.
As many of you know, I was born and raised in San Diego. Many of my friends still live in San Diego. I moved from San Diego in 1998 and I haven't lived there again since. I love San Diego. It is a beautiful city, with perfect weather for my liking. I miss being near my friends in Southern California, but I just don't know if I could happily live there again because I think I would have a hard time living in the same city as my family. Plus I am loving my life in Northern California, so for now I remain long-distance from my parents. And this is an issue that causes quite a bit of contention for them.
The problem about this is multi-faceted. One big problem is that my parents are not technology savvy. My father doesn't have a cell phone, so I have no way of contacting him without my mother being there, undoubtedly listening on the other phone, or her face pressed up against his so she hears what I say. He does not know how to work the computer, and she won't teach him. So I have no relationship with my father independent of my mother. She on the other hand is pretty tech savvy. However, we have had some issues with our email communication, and she abused texting, so I had to set a boundary with that one. So our main line of communication is the phone. This has worked out well for the most part. When I first moved away, I was mandated to daily phone calls. Over the last decade this has been reduced to weekly, which works out just fine for me.
The bigger problem in maintaining our long-distance relationship is the issue of visiting. This is complicated by the mental health issues in my family. My mother suffers from acute anxiety, with agoraphobia, which is a fear of leaving the house. This has progressed to the point that she will no longer leave the house alone, and has extreme anxiety leaving the house at all. I pushed and pushed them to come and visit me in 2006. Because of my mother's anxiety about the dog and the house, they chose to come separately. This did not result in a good experience for either of my parents considering they have not gone a night apart in well over 15 years. So they have made it clear that will not happen again. So, they have not come to see me since, and have no plans to do so. This means the responsibility and cost of visits is mine. It can be a heavy emotional burden. It can be a heavier burden when my intimate relationship is now also a long-distance relationship.
In the year since Rich and I have been apart, my parents have not seen much of either of us. And they decided to point that out a number of times in the week leading up to this weekend. They are especially upset about our upcoming trip to visit his family, which makes me so angry I can't even go into it here. The other problem is how different I am from them. My parents are conservative, Christian, Republicans. We differ about issues so much, we cannot even discuss them without anger. My mother informed me this weekend that I am so incorrect in my views, that she cannot even respect my point of view, but will continue to pray for me in earnest. The message I received: I bring shame to my family. Luckily, I am independent enough to not be ashamed of who I am, what I think or how I feel.
So to make a long, frustrating story shorter, dealing with my family is tough stuff. And I have no advice to anyone on how to survive long-distance relationships with family. And this is why my visits to San Diego are short and infrequent. I do not like to endure more than a weekend visit two to three times a year when I may be judged for simply being who they raised me to be. Or made to feel guilty for making my career a priority in this crucial time in my life. Or God forbid, wanting to spend Christmas with my partner and his family, who I have not seen in almost 18 months. And the last time we saw them, is when they travelled almost 10,000 miles round trip to come and visit us. Which unfortunately means I see my San Diego friends less, but I am also lucky enough that they come and see me too! Moral of the story: lots of relationships to maintain and survive, some much more effort than others. I hope all of your long-distance relationships are going smoothly, especially if you just realized that you have some!
As many of you know, I was born and raised in San Diego. Many of my friends still live in San Diego. I moved from San Diego in 1998 and I haven't lived there again since. I love San Diego. It is a beautiful city, with perfect weather for my liking. I miss being near my friends in Southern California, but I just don't know if I could happily live there again because I think I would have a hard time living in the same city as my family. Plus I am loving my life in Northern California, so for now I remain long-distance from my parents. And this is an issue that causes quite a bit of contention for them.
The problem about this is multi-faceted. One big problem is that my parents are not technology savvy. My father doesn't have a cell phone, so I have no way of contacting him without my mother being there, undoubtedly listening on the other phone, or her face pressed up against his so she hears what I say. He does not know how to work the computer, and she won't teach him. So I have no relationship with my father independent of my mother. She on the other hand is pretty tech savvy. However, we have had some issues with our email communication, and she abused texting, so I had to set a boundary with that one. So our main line of communication is the phone. This has worked out well for the most part. When I first moved away, I was mandated to daily phone calls. Over the last decade this has been reduced to weekly, which works out just fine for me.
The bigger problem in maintaining our long-distance relationship is the issue of visiting. This is complicated by the mental health issues in my family. My mother suffers from acute anxiety, with agoraphobia, which is a fear of leaving the house. This has progressed to the point that she will no longer leave the house alone, and has extreme anxiety leaving the house at all. I pushed and pushed them to come and visit me in 2006. Because of my mother's anxiety about the dog and the house, they chose to come separately. This did not result in a good experience for either of my parents considering they have not gone a night apart in well over 15 years. So they have made it clear that will not happen again. So, they have not come to see me since, and have no plans to do so. This means the responsibility and cost of visits is mine. It can be a heavy emotional burden. It can be a heavier burden when my intimate relationship is now also a long-distance relationship.
In the year since Rich and I have been apart, my parents have not seen much of either of us. And they decided to point that out a number of times in the week leading up to this weekend. They are especially upset about our upcoming trip to visit his family, which makes me so angry I can't even go into it here. The other problem is how different I am from them. My parents are conservative, Christian, Republicans. We differ about issues so much, we cannot even discuss them without anger. My mother informed me this weekend that I am so incorrect in my views, that she cannot even respect my point of view, but will continue to pray for me in earnest. The message I received: I bring shame to my family. Luckily, I am independent enough to not be ashamed of who I am, what I think or how I feel.
So to make a long, frustrating story shorter, dealing with my family is tough stuff. And I have no advice to anyone on how to survive long-distance relationships with family. And this is why my visits to San Diego are short and infrequent. I do not like to endure more than a weekend visit two to three times a year when I may be judged for simply being who they raised me to be. Or made to feel guilty for making my career a priority in this crucial time in my life. Or God forbid, wanting to spend Christmas with my partner and his family, who I have not seen in almost 18 months. And the last time we saw them, is when they travelled almost 10,000 miles round trip to come and visit us. Which unfortunately means I see my San Diego friends less, but I am also lucky enough that they come and see me too! Moral of the story: lots of relationships to maintain and survive, some much more effort than others. I hope all of your long-distance relationships are going smoothly, especially if you just realized that you have some!
It only took me how many months?
But I finally figured out the subscription thingy! So subscribe now! I really want to write a new post, but I want you all to subscribe first, and I have an SSI report I need to finish like NOW, so I am going to get back to that and stop procrastinating, and then I will write a new entry about the worst long-distance relationship I have EVER had to endure: my parents.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Flex those muscles!
So I mentioned a post or two ago that I wanted to write something about flexibility. I have been thinking about this topic quite a bit since then. Lots of things have come to mind, and I'm not really sure how to focus the topic. May be one that gets some repeat posts in the future. So I guess I'll start off by stating the obvious. All relationships require some flexibility. Friends, family, intimate partners and so on. We are all humans, we all have free will, and we all have people in our lives that frequently do not do what we would like them to do, or for that matter, what we tell them to do. I think flexibility is particularly important in intimate relationships. Power is an interesting dynamic in partnerships, and I think to keep as even of a playing field as possible, the players have to be flexible.
This topic makes me think of compromise. I remember the subject came up in my couple's counseling class and a classmate stated, "I don't believe in compromise in relationships, because that means someone always has to give in, and I think that leads to resentment." I thought a lot about that comment at the time, and now in this post. I don't think that compromise and flexibility are synonymous, but I do think they are related. In order to be willing to compromise, or accepting of compromise requires some flexibility, which I believe is essential to making relationships work.
To bring this back to the topic of LDRs, I'll bring it back to my relationship. I think the foundation of an LDR is flexibility. Obviously, I would prefer to NOT be in an LDR. But I can't get my way on that right now, so I have chosen to be in one to maintain the relationship. That is just one example of having to bring some flexibility back into things, since I set a rigid boundary in my head four years ago that I would NEVER do it again. I guess there is a reason they say never say never.
On that note, when we agreed to do it, we said six months MAX. Not quite like saying never, but you get the idea, as we are nine days away from celebrating one year apart. On a more positive note, I think I am learning to become more flexible about navigating the relationship. Only took me 11 months or so, but to coin another old saying, better late then never. I am not so rigid about talking on the phone everyday, and I am really trying to focus more of my energy on being happy in general rather than being sad and frustrated about the relationship not being ideal. After all, being sad and frustrated about things is really just non-productive, and not conducive to being successful in an LDR. I am also trying to let go of needing a plan. Although I do think it is a really important part of being in a LDR, and I do still really wish we had a plan, I am learning and trying to accept that is just isn't always possible. And plans can certainly change very quickly, so it isn't a guarantee or an insurance policy. So on that note, nothing new to report. Richard is still in Kansas. His departure date is still TBD. I'm looking forward to seeing him for Thanksgiving in just a couple more days. Four nights in the same bed is going to be glorious! And we had a great weekend just two weekends ago, so I almost feel spoiled. So in closing, things are moving along. I'm going to keep reminding myself of the serenity prayer. I don't always get my way. I can't expect to, so I have to practice mindfulness. I have to just keep trying to do my best to stay open minded, and of course, the word of the day, FLEXIBLE!!
This topic makes me think of compromise. I remember the subject came up in my couple's counseling class and a classmate stated, "I don't believe in compromise in relationships, because that means someone always has to give in, and I think that leads to resentment." I thought a lot about that comment at the time, and now in this post. I don't think that compromise and flexibility are synonymous, but I do think they are related. In order to be willing to compromise, or accepting of compromise requires some flexibility, which I believe is essential to making relationships work.
To bring this back to the topic of LDRs, I'll bring it back to my relationship. I think the foundation of an LDR is flexibility. Obviously, I would prefer to NOT be in an LDR. But I can't get my way on that right now, so I have chosen to be in one to maintain the relationship. That is just one example of having to bring some flexibility back into things, since I set a rigid boundary in my head four years ago that I would NEVER do it again. I guess there is a reason they say never say never.
On that note, when we agreed to do it, we said six months MAX. Not quite like saying never, but you get the idea, as we are nine days away from celebrating one year apart. On a more positive note, I think I am learning to become more flexible about navigating the relationship. Only took me 11 months or so, but to coin another old saying, better late then never. I am not so rigid about talking on the phone everyday, and I am really trying to focus more of my energy on being happy in general rather than being sad and frustrated about the relationship not being ideal. After all, being sad and frustrated about things is really just non-productive, and not conducive to being successful in an LDR. I am also trying to let go of needing a plan. Although I do think it is a really important part of being in a LDR, and I do still really wish we had a plan, I am learning and trying to accept that is just isn't always possible. And plans can certainly change very quickly, so it isn't a guarantee or an insurance policy. So on that note, nothing new to report. Richard is still in Kansas. His departure date is still TBD. I'm looking forward to seeing him for Thanksgiving in just a couple more days. Four nights in the same bed is going to be glorious! And we had a great weekend just two weekends ago, so I almost feel spoiled. So in closing, things are moving along. I'm going to keep reminding myself of the serenity prayer. I don't always get my way. I can't expect to, so I have to practice mindfulness. I have to just keep trying to do my best to stay open minded, and of course, the word of the day, FLEXIBLE!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Just to clear the air...
I know I said at the end of my last post that I would be doing a post on flexibility. I have to procrastinate on that post because it has come to my attention that my blog has become a bit out of balanced, meaning I have vented a lot of negativity, and have not kept the dignity meant for this space. It seems that when I really got rolling writing this blog, it was a time of another transition for Richard and I, and a lot of my frustrations were expressed here. I want this space to continue to be what I intended. I want it to be honest, I don't want it to be censored. I want it to be a place where people can come and see that they are not alone in their feelings of frustration, anger, loneliness, jealousy, confusion, etc. So I will continue to discuss those feelings as they arise, and I will continue to use self-disclosure as the best tool I know to really explore these situations and feelings. However, this is NOT my Richard-bashing blog. I love him. I wouldn't be trying to do this if I didn't. I wouldn't be trying to help others get along in their relationship if I didn't think my own relationship was amazing and so totally worth the heart-ache, irritation, etc. I wish there was a way that he could incorporate his side of things, and maybe that is something I will try to do on the blog in the future. But since he can't, all you get for now is my side. Which, I admit, can be harsh. I will not censor myself. I want the passion of my feelings to still be there, that is the point of all of this. And lets be honest, the passion is what keeps it interesting. But I also know whole-heartedly that I am not without fault, and I will try to be accountable when I have the insight. So here is a small effort at some accountability. I can be reactive. I can be stubborn. I can be insistent. I am sensitive. I over think things. I have a low self-esteem at times, that contributes to my crazy making thoughts. I do not adjust easily to changes, which is why there was a number of posts that were rants from me since Richard moved to Kansas so abruptly, and I felt invalidated by that whole process. And like I said, these situations are going to continue to come up, and I will continue to have strong emotional reactions to them. This is who I am, and Richard knows that. Things will continue to upset us both as we continue to try to navigate this the best way we know how. But I am going to try to be mindful of keeping some balance and displaying integrity here. So to begin to create that balance and integrity, this is my why I love Richard post!
I don't even know where to start. Richard has been a constant presence in my life for the last six and a half years. Since the first day I met him, I haven't stopped thinking about him. He is always there. And I love it. I never get tired of wondering about him. What he is thinking, what he is working on, what he is having for lunch, if he is in a happy mood, if he slept well; it just goes on and on. I thought it would let up once we lived together, but it didn't. I love him because he is loyal, trust worthy, honest. He makes me laugh. He is determined. He is successful and frighteningly intelligent. He can do just about anything, and from the first time he does it, he does it well. He supports me in everything I do, even this. Nothing can make me smile more then his smile or laugh. If I am interested in something, he will learn about it. As much as I complain about his stubborn streak, and how quick he is to say something without thinking, those are parts of him that I also love, respect and appreciate. He is an incredible, completely unique human being, and he continues to be the best part of my day, everyday.
So I hope that clears up any confusion that there may have been. And I hope it is a good start to restore some balance here. Just a brief update, Richard has been in Omaha this week, but should be returning to Kansas, maybe today or tomorrow. Not really sure. I still don't know when I will see him next. He has to figure out moving out of his Orange County house, since it looks like he will be in Kansas for a bit longer. So that complicates our planning. He probably won't be joining me in my upcoming San Diego trip, to see my family for the holidays, so I know they are sad about that. Then we are off to see his friends and family and both of our homelands on December 19th! As for me, I am looking forward to a guaranteed good time this weekend, heading out to Vegas for a girl's trip, with some of my best girls. Viva Las Vegas, let the good times roll. And all the while, you know who will be in my head!
I don't even know where to start. Richard has been a constant presence in my life for the last six and a half years. Since the first day I met him, I haven't stopped thinking about him. He is always there. And I love it. I never get tired of wondering about him. What he is thinking, what he is working on, what he is having for lunch, if he is in a happy mood, if he slept well; it just goes on and on. I thought it would let up once we lived together, but it didn't. I love him because he is loyal, trust worthy, honest. He makes me laugh. He is determined. He is successful and frighteningly intelligent. He can do just about anything, and from the first time he does it, he does it well. He supports me in everything I do, even this. Nothing can make me smile more then his smile or laugh. If I am interested in something, he will learn about it. As much as I complain about his stubborn streak, and how quick he is to say something without thinking, those are parts of him that I also love, respect and appreciate. He is an incredible, completely unique human being, and he continues to be the best part of my day, everyday.
So I hope that clears up any confusion that there may have been. And I hope it is a good start to restore some balance here. Just a brief update, Richard has been in Omaha this week, but should be returning to Kansas, maybe today or tomorrow. Not really sure. I still don't know when I will see him next. He has to figure out moving out of his Orange County house, since it looks like he will be in Kansas for a bit longer. So that complicates our planning. He probably won't be joining me in my upcoming San Diego trip, to see my family for the holidays, so I know they are sad about that. Then we are off to see his friends and family and both of our homelands on December 19th! As for me, I am looking forward to a guaranteed good time this weekend, heading out to Vegas for a girl's trip, with some of my best girls. Viva Las Vegas, let the good times roll. And all the while, you know who will be in my head!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
3 heel clicks and a Southwest Flight...
and I have landed back in California! It was great to see Richard, but I have to start off by saying I really, really love California. I don't think I can love ALL of California the way I have loved most of the places I have lived here (i.e. Victorville) but at least there are mountains, places to go, things to do, and DIVERSITY.
Back to topic, Richard and I had a nice visit this weekend in Kansas City. He is actually living in a place called Olathe. It was interesting seeing him in such a different environment. He is living in this Temporary housing apartment home. It is already furnished with everything a corporate traveler might need, and has a clubhouse with a gym, pool, DVD rentals, and gameroom. It is a pretty sweet deal, but strange seeing him in surroundings that so are not him or his style.
The trip itself was pleasant. I always enjoy seeing new places. We went to a great bar Friday night and enjoyed the art museum and World War I Museum on Saturday. The rest of the time we just ate food and relaxed, enjoying each other's company.
We had a conversation Sunday evening about the status of the relationship and how we are both are doing. We both admitted that we aren't happy. But we are still in the place I discussed last time. Neither ready to quit, neither ready to give up. We briefly discussed other alternate options such as taking a break or seeing other people. For now, we agreed that those alternate options will only end up in us breaking up, so we aren't ready to go down those roads yet either. So, as usual, no new news really to report. No updates on how long he will be there, or where he will be heading next. And no idea when I will see him again. Hopefully the 14th but quite possibly not until Thanksgiving. So much for my undying need of having a plan. Perhaps my next post will be about the unyielding flexibility required in making a LDR work.
Back to topic, Richard and I had a nice visit this weekend in Kansas City. He is actually living in a place called Olathe. It was interesting seeing him in such a different environment. He is living in this Temporary housing apartment home. It is already furnished with everything a corporate traveler might need, and has a clubhouse with a gym, pool, DVD rentals, and gameroom. It is a pretty sweet deal, but strange seeing him in surroundings that so are not him or his style.
The trip itself was pleasant. I always enjoy seeing new places. We went to a great bar Friday night and enjoyed the art museum and World War I Museum on Saturday. The rest of the time we just ate food and relaxed, enjoying each other's company.
We had a conversation Sunday evening about the status of the relationship and how we are both are doing. We both admitted that we aren't happy. But we are still in the place I discussed last time. Neither ready to quit, neither ready to give up. We briefly discussed other alternate options such as taking a break or seeing other people. For now, we agreed that those alternate options will only end up in us breaking up, so we aren't ready to go down those roads yet either. So, as usual, no new news really to report. No updates on how long he will be there, or where he will be heading next. And no idea when I will see him again. Hopefully the 14th but quite possibly not until Thanksgiving. So much for my undying need of having a plan. Perhaps my next post will be about the unyielding flexibility required in making a LDR work.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
How did we get here again?
So Richard is still in Kansas. It hasn't been too bad trying to work out the time difference because his work hours are more reasonable out there, so he is staying up later, which is nice. He came to visit on the 10th and we had a really great weekend. The best weekend we have had in months. I am going out there this weekend and I hope we have a repeat performance. For awhile, I was beginning to think that this had all been a giant mistake, but having a nice weekend reinforced to me why we are doing this in the first place. He is really enjoying his time there, and I have decided that it doesn't really matter where he is, the point is that he isn't HERE. All of this led me to think about all that is required out of an LDR and the decision to be in one to begin with. How after over six years together, did we end up HERE AGAIN?
A question I have been reluctant to ask myself is if I had the chance to do it all over, would I? Right now I don't know what the answer is. My gut says, 'yes of course you would.' My brain says, 'really, because this pretty much sucks, and I don't know if that would be such a good call.' My heart says, 'I don't remember signing up for this exactly, maybe we should have read the fine print. I remember something about a six month limit?' Too bad brain, heart and gut rarely agree. Well obviously, they all agreed when this decision was made this time last year. Or maybe one was stifling the other?
So how does one come to the decision to be in a LDR? I think probably in a lot of situations, people just let life happen to them. And then complain about it. In our situation, I think Richard is letting life happen to him, and I'm doing all the complaining for both of us. But in all honesty, we both ended up where we are today because we both made choices to put our careers before our relationship. I don't know what that says about us, or our relationship, but the facts are the facts. When looking at all of the possible options, neither one of us wanted to quit our jobs so that we could stay together, which would have been option A. So we chose option B, go for the LDR again. Even though we swore we never would. Even though we said that it would only be for six months. Six months has come and gone, but neither one of us wants to quit yet. So the solution? Keep on keeping on. Because option C, separating and moving on with our lives, isn't an option either of us is ready to chose. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't go with option A and quit my job to move to SoCal with him last year. Where would I be now if I did that? Still struggling to finish my hours no doubt, making less money and living paycheck to paycheck, and hey, I would be in a LDR ANYWAY because he would be in Kansas! Where would we be if he had chose option A? I can't answer that. I have my fantasies, but who knows if it would have worked out for the best with what is happening to the economy right now.
So what is the point of all of this? The point is that my advice to anyone out there considering this option for their relationship is to really be sure of what you are getting yourself into if you chose to be in a LDR. Try to have a plan you can realistically stick to. Make sure that the end result is going to be worth all of the pain, frustration, miscommunication, and loneliness. How can you be sure that it will be worth it? You can't I suppose. There are no sure things in life. There are no guarantees. We don't even have the guarantee of tomorrow. You have to make the choice that this is something that both of you can do, and that both of you will put the effort into making work. Really truly listen to your brain, your gut, and your heart. Maybe one of them will say something you don't want to hear, but it might save you a lot of hurt. Maybe for you, they will all be in agreement.
A question I have been reluctant to ask myself is if I had the chance to do it all over, would I? Right now I don't know what the answer is. My gut says, 'yes of course you would.' My brain says, 'really, because this pretty much sucks, and I don't know if that would be such a good call.' My heart says, 'I don't remember signing up for this exactly, maybe we should have read the fine print. I remember something about a six month limit?' Too bad brain, heart and gut rarely agree. Well obviously, they all agreed when this decision was made this time last year. Or maybe one was stifling the other?
So how does one come to the decision to be in a LDR? I think probably in a lot of situations, people just let life happen to them. And then complain about it. In our situation, I think Richard is letting life happen to him, and I'm doing all the complaining for both of us. But in all honesty, we both ended up where we are today because we both made choices to put our careers before our relationship. I don't know what that says about us, or our relationship, but the facts are the facts. When looking at all of the possible options, neither one of us wanted to quit our jobs so that we could stay together, which would have been option A. So we chose option B, go for the LDR again. Even though we swore we never would. Even though we said that it would only be for six months. Six months has come and gone, but neither one of us wants to quit yet. So the solution? Keep on keeping on. Because option C, separating and moving on with our lives, isn't an option either of us is ready to chose. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't go with option A and quit my job to move to SoCal with him last year. Where would I be now if I did that? Still struggling to finish my hours no doubt, making less money and living paycheck to paycheck, and hey, I would be in a LDR ANYWAY because he would be in Kansas! Where would we be if he had chose option A? I can't answer that. I have my fantasies, but who knows if it would have worked out for the best with what is happening to the economy right now.
So what is the point of all of this? The point is that my advice to anyone out there considering this option for their relationship is to really be sure of what you are getting yourself into if you chose to be in a LDR. Try to have a plan you can realistically stick to. Make sure that the end result is going to be worth all of the pain, frustration, miscommunication, and loneliness. How can you be sure that it will be worth it? You can't I suppose. There are no sure things in life. There are no guarantees. We don't even have the guarantee of tomorrow. You have to make the choice that this is something that both of you can do, and that both of you will put the effort into making work. Really truly listen to your brain, your gut, and your heart. Maybe one of them will say something you don't want to hear, but it might save you a lot of hurt. Maybe for you, they will all be in agreement.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Just when it seems safe to breathe...
Something knocks the wind out of me.
Richard just returned from Chicago on Tuesday. I was relieved that he was home and looking forward to falling back into some semblance of a routine together. Then he announced non-chalantly that he was moving to Kansas "for a month or two" on Friday afternoon. Air rapidly escaping lungs.
Okay, time for me to try to untangle this. I think what bothers me so much about this is his attitude that these kinds of changes should have no impact on me. Maybe they shouldn't, maybe I am overreacting, maybe I shouldn't have felt like I got punched in the gut. But to me, moving 1500 miles farther away, even though it is temporary, is a big deal.
I think the second reason I am so destabilized is that this solidifies that he has no intention of taking any action to try to bring us together sooner rather then later (i.e. job hunting!). That is probably the biggest blow to me. Being in a LDR is a two-lane highway. It takes two people to make it work and two people to work towards reuniting. I know I may have to move and quit my job and forfeit everything I have established here. However, whenever I talk about that, he stops me and says he does not want me to quit or lose what I have here. He talked non-stop over Labor Day weekend about finding a job here, and maybe even being up here as soon as Thanksgiving, and no action has been taken to follow up on those musings.
The third reason I am upset about this news is that we now have a time difference to navigate with already busy schedules. Anyone that has ever had to navigate a time difference will know how frustrating this can be. Thank God it is only two hours, but that two hours can still make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of our conversations, which have already been suffering for a long time. Not only that, but now it is a new routine to try to figure out. Bedtime for him may be before I even arrive home some evenings, so squeezing in a conversation that actually feels like we are connecting is going to be a challenge, especially since he refuses to use other modes of communicating because of his work schedule. And once we finally have it figured out, he will be back in Orange County, and then possibly moving to Victorville. Do we know when? No. No dates are set. No plans can be made. This will no doubt be another bomb dropped on me that I apparently am not entitled to have any feelings about.
So as I type, Richard is somewhere between Las Vegas and Denver heading towards Kansas City (yes by car, no less.) I basically feel like I have slowly lost my primary support person. I am lucky to have a strong support system that absorbed the brunt of the loss as it has progressed, but I just don't think that is a good sign for us in the long run. We are in desperate need of a plan, and that may be the topic of conversation over our visit next weekend. So more to come after that. For now, I will focus on breathing.
Richard just returned from Chicago on Tuesday. I was relieved that he was home and looking forward to falling back into some semblance of a routine together. Then he announced non-chalantly that he was moving to Kansas "for a month or two" on Friday afternoon. Air rapidly escaping lungs.
Okay, time for me to try to untangle this. I think what bothers me so much about this is his attitude that these kinds of changes should have no impact on me. Maybe they shouldn't, maybe I am overreacting, maybe I shouldn't have felt like I got punched in the gut. But to me, moving 1500 miles farther away, even though it is temporary, is a big deal.
I think the second reason I am so destabilized is that this solidifies that he has no intention of taking any action to try to bring us together sooner rather then later (i.e. job hunting!). That is probably the biggest blow to me. Being in a LDR is a two-lane highway. It takes two people to make it work and two people to work towards reuniting. I know I may have to move and quit my job and forfeit everything I have established here. However, whenever I talk about that, he stops me and says he does not want me to quit or lose what I have here. He talked non-stop over Labor Day weekend about finding a job here, and maybe even being up here as soon as Thanksgiving, and no action has been taken to follow up on those musings.
The third reason I am upset about this news is that we now have a time difference to navigate with already busy schedules. Anyone that has ever had to navigate a time difference will know how frustrating this can be. Thank God it is only two hours, but that two hours can still make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of our conversations, which have already been suffering for a long time. Not only that, but now it is a new routine to try to figure out. Bedtime for him may be before I even arrive home some evenings, so squeezing in a conversation that actually feels like we are connecting is going to be a challenge, especially since he refuses to use other modes of communicating because of his work schedule. And once we finally have it figured out, he will be back in Orange County, and then possibly moving to Victorville. Do we know when? No. No dates are set. No plans can be made. This will no doubt be another bomb dropped on me that I apparently am not entitled to have any feelings about.
So as I type, Richard is somewhere between Las Vegas and Denver heading towards Kansas City (yes by car, no less.) I basically feel like I have slowly lost my primary support person. I am lucky to have a strong support system that absorbed the brunt of the loss as it has progressed, but I just don't think that is a good sign for us in the long run. We are in desperate need of a plan, and that may be the topic of conversation over our visit next weekend. So more to come after that. For now, I will focus on breathing.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Good news, bad news
So the good news is Richard's company did not get the Chicago bid! Which means for the time being, we continue being long distance along the California coast. And that means we continue in the waiting period of not knowing when this will end, which is not a good place to be.
That is the good news out of the way. No on to the not so good news. This post is dedicated to the topic of communication. This is a huge topic when you are in a LDR, and I will likely be the herald of many more posts on the subject.
Yesterday was a very bad day for me. My mother decided to have a borderline episode on me, and I was not handling it well. I reached out to my partner for support. I tried calling him at noon. At three. At five. At seven. He did not return my calls until 9pm. He stated "Hi, I just got home from soccer." I immediatly was not pleased. I was not happy that when I needed him, he was not there for me. I work in an agency with fourteen other mental health professionals. I do not often seek support from him when I am surrounded by extremely giving, intelligent, insightful and astute people who love helping others. So when I do reach out to him, it is important. I asked him why he waited so long to call me back and he stated that this was the first time he looked at his phone. You are in a LDR and you don't look at your phone until 9pm, when you usually go to bed between 9 and 9:30? I was disappointed and a little appalled. When I brought my feelings to his attention, he stated, "Well I don't care about my phone." Which I heard as "I don't care about you." And that put him immediately on the defensive, and me into another spiral of grief. And he was no longer able to be comforting to me or show me any kind of empathy.
As far as that last statement goes, that is a personal battle we will have to address at another time. But if you are in a LDR it is not going to work without consistent communication. That phone is our lifeline. He is not on Facebook, MySpace, Gmail or any other instant messenger. He does not agree with receiving personal emails to his work email address. He does not check his personal email address at work. So the phone is our only line of communication. So for this to work, he needs to look at it, answer it, dial from it! He needs to be an active participant. A LDR will not work with only one participant. So his rebuttal, "what did people do before cell phones?" I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I am lucky enough to be in a LDR in the age of instant communication. Honestly, people in LDRs before instant communication probably did just great with their Courier pigeons and Morse Code. That isn't who we are anymore. You have a cell phone, use it.
Like I said above, this topic is huge, and has a lot of offspring topics that will require their own posts entirely, so the subject will likely come up in many future posts. After all, what is a LDR without communication? It can't be based on sex, it can't be based on enjoying similar hobbies, it has to be based on a solid foundation and then nurtured over distance through communication, which is tough. So communication is essential, and when communication is breaking down, it won't be long until the relationship breaks up.
That is the good news out of the way. No on to the not so good news. This post is dedicated to the topic of communication. This is a huge topic when you are in a LDR, and I will likely be the herald of many more posts on the subject.
Yesterday was a very bad day for me. My mother decided to have a borderline episode on me, and I was not handling it well. I reached out to my partner for support. I tried calling him at noon. At three. At five. At seven. He did not return my calls until 9pm. He stated "Hi, I just got home from soccer." I immediatly was not pleased. I was not happy that when I needed him, he was not there for me. I work in an agency with fourteen other mental health professionals. I do not often seek support from him when I am surrounded by extremely giving, intelligent, insightful and astute people who love helping others. So when I do reach out to him, it is important. I asked him why he waited so long to call me back and he stated that this was the first time he looked at his phone. You are in a LDR and you don't look at your phone until 9pm, when you usually go to bed between 9 and 9:30? I was disappointed and a little appalled. When I brought my feelings to his attention, he stated, "Well I don't care about my phone." Which I heard as "I don't care about you." And that put him immediately on the defensive, and me into another spiral of grief. And he was no longer able to be comforting to me or show me any kind of empathy.
As far as that last statement goes, that is a personal battle we will have to address at another time. But if you are in a LDR it is not going to work without consistent communication. That phone is our lifeline. He is not on Facebook, MySpace, Gmail or any other instant messenger. He does not agree with receiving personal emails to his work email address. He does not check his personal email address at work. So the phone is our only line of communication. So for this to work, he needs to look at it, answer it, dial from it! He needs to be an active participant. A LDR will not work with only one participant. So his rebuttal, "what did people do before cell phones?" I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I am lucky enough to be in a LDR in the age of instant communication. Honestly, people in LDRs before instant communication probably did just great with their Courier pigeons and Morse Code. That isn't who we are anymore. You have a cell phone, use it.
Like I said above, this topic is huge, and has a lot of offspring topics that will require their own posts entirely, so the subject will likely come up in many future posts. After all, what is a LDR without communication? It can't be based on sex, it can't be based on enjoying similar hobbies, it has to be based on a solid foundation and then nurtured over distance through communication, which is tough. So communication is essential, and when communication is breaking down, it won't be long until the relationship breaks up.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Looking for a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel..
And all I see is black.
So as many of you may have already heard, Richard is currently in Chicago. He has been there since last Sunday. He is there for work, preparing an estimate for a bid on a waste water treatment plant. The bid is this coming Tuesday. Richard and some of his co-workers were sent to Chicago to assist in the estimating and bidding because they are the district with the most experience in building waste water treatment plants. Sounds good so far right? So what’s the problem? The problem is that if they get the bid, Richard has agreed to move to Chicago for the project. That, my friends, is the problem.
There is a good chance that they will not get the bid, and I will hopefully be able to post such good news next time. They have not won a bid in a very long time. However, there is a chance that they will get the bid, and that leaves us…where? I do not know where it leaves us, but it leaves me gazing into the tunnel, and seeing no light whatsoever.
I am not in a place in my career where I can pack up and move to Chicago. I am in California until I am licensed, bottom line. I am not sure how long this will take, but I am doing the best that I can to make it happen as soon as possible. But even if a miracle occurred, and somehow I woke up tomorrow with my MFT license, I am not entirely sure that I would want to re-locate to Chicago. I am sure it is a fine city, but I have never been. I am not inclined to uproot my life and relocate to a place I have not even visited. A place where neither of us have friends or family, a place where my career options are less then ideal. Where the winters are cold and severe and intimidating to this California girl. Where my only social connection would be my partner, who I barely see because of the demanding and intense work hours required in heavy construction. I do not exactly have fond memories of the last waste water treatment plant building experience. Richard worked at least one Saturday per month. He frequently left for work before the sun was up, and returned from work long after the sun set, practically catatonic. He had barely enough energy to eat and crawl to bed, let alone maybe have a conversation or catch a movie. So this brings me back to my original question, this leaves us where?
Even if they do not get the Chicago bid, I am not sure where we are right now, or where we are headed. I believe our last stints long distance were much more manageable because there was an ending. There was a plan. There was something to countdown to. I used to love marking days off the calendar. I had calendars everywhere! I had a countdown on the dry-erase board in the kitchen. I had a wall calendar, a desk calendar, a planner, a calendar in my notebook for school. And I took great comfort, pleasure, and excitement in crossing off those days as they ticked by.
Now, I cross the days off with an enormous sense of sadness. It has been nearly 11 months that we have been apart. And I have no clue when it might end. I really need to see that hint of light soon.
So as many of you may have already heard, Richard is currently in Chicago. He has been there since last Sunday. He is there for work, preparing an estimate for a bid on a waste water treatment plant. The bid is this coming Tuesday. Richard and some of his co-workers were sent to Chicago to assist in the estimating and bidding because they are the district with the most experience in building waste water treatment plants. Sounds good so far right? So what’s the problem? The problem is that if they get the bid, Richard has agreed to move to Chicago for the project. That, my friends, is the problem.
There is a good chance that they will not get the bid, and I will hopefully be able to post such good news next time. They have not won a bid in a very long time. However, there is a chance that they will get the bid, and that leaves us…where? I do not know where it leaves us, but it leaves me gazing into the tunnel, and seeing no light whatsoever.
I am not in a place in my career where I can pack up and move to Chicago. I am in California until I am licensed, bottom line. I am not sure how long this will take, but I am doing the best that I can to make it happen as soon as possible. But even if a miracle occurred, and somehow I woke up tomorrow with my MFT license, I am not entirely sure that I would want to re-locate to Chicago. I am sure it is a fine city, but I have never been. I am not inclined to uproot my life and relocate to a place I have not even visited. A place where neither of us have friends or family, a place where my career options are less then ideal. Where the winters are cold and severe and intimidating to this California girl. Where my only social connection would be my partner, who I barely see because of the demanding and intense work hours required in heavy construction. I do not exactly have fond memories of the last waste water treatment plant building experience. Richard worked at least one Saturday per month. He frequently left for work before the sun was up, and returned from work long after the sun set, practically catatonic. He had barely enough energy to eat and crawl to bed, let alone maybe have a conversation or catch a movie. So this brings me back to my original question, this leaves us where?
Even if they do not get the Chicago bid, I am not sure where we are right now, or where we are headed. I believe our last stints long distance were much more manageable because there was an ending. There was a plan. There was something to countdown to. I used to love marking days off the calendar. I had calendars everywhere! I had a countdown on the dry-erase board in the kitchen. I had a wall calendar, a desk calendar, a planner, a calendar in my notebook for school. And I took great comfort, pleasure, and excitement in crossing off those days as they ticked by.
Now, I cross the days off with an enormous sense of sadness. It has been nearly 11 months that we have been apart. And I have no clue when it might end. I really need to see that hint of light soon.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
A likely place to start..
So some time has passed since my first entry. I have really been putting a lot of thought into possible topics for the site, and how I want to use this space. Part of this will be a catharsis for myself, a safe place to vent my feelings and frustrations about being in a long-distance relationship to people that can empathize. Another part will be sharing what I have learned. Some topics I am plan on exploring include intimacy, jealousy, making time, balance, romance, suspicion, anxiety, loneliness, self-care, ruts, and many more.
However, I have decided to dedicate this post to Richard and our history. Often, when a client first comes in, they feel unsure about where to start, and I usually say the best place to start is the beginning. So this post will be all about our beginning and how we ended up where we are now. This is a long story.
Richard and I met on June 25th, 2002. He had been studying abroad at UCSB and had a group of friends visiting him from England. I had just graduated, and was preparing to move to Long Beach for graduate school. The night we met I was out with two of my best friends, saying goodbye to one of them who was moving home the next day. I saw Richard on the bus on the way downtown, and immediately liked what I saw. On the way home, he was waiting at the bus stop, and after a few drinks, I had the courage to approach him. We all went home together, and Richard and I sat on his balcony talking for hours.
We eventually started seeing each other a few times a week. Both of us knew that our time together would soon be ending, and frequently would wonder when we were together, would this be the last time? But there never ended up being a last time. The barrier that I was trying to maintain to protect my emotions faltered, and I found myself falling in love. Richard ended up moving to Long Beach with me to spend his last month in America with me. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me was taking him to the airport that September. We had agreed that we didn't want to end what we had started. I was planning a trip to England that winter before I had met Richard, so we agreed to see how things went.
That first month was horrible. I missed him so much. I had just started school, I didn't have any friends in Long Beach yet, I didn't have a job. I was devastated. Once the first month past, and I started working, things got easier. I booked my trip for two weeks at Christmas time. I started working full time in October. Time started to move more quickly. We were emailing daily and having long talks on the weekends when the time difference wasn't such an issue. Richard was finishing his master's degree and working as well. With both of us working and going to school full time, we didn't really have time for a relationship, so being long-distance was almost convenient.
I visited at Christmas and met his family. It was a wonderful trip. We decided we wanted to keep things going, and would see each other again in the summer. Richard came on June 26th, 2003. His plan was to get a job, and see how things worked out. We were naive. Turns out, you can't just come to America and get a job. September 11th and the following reform in immigration policies made things much more difficult. He was unable to find an employer that would sponsor a work (H1-B) visa. He had to return to England in September. I was losing hope. I thought I was losing him.
Our last day together, we went to The Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro, CA. We talked a lot about our relationship, our future. We decided the only way we would be able to be together would be to get married. We were both hesitant, we hadn't even lived together in the same city for more then three months. We both felt too young to get married. We thought that it was possibly an irresponsible decision. But the fact was, it was not going to work, this was our only option left. We agreed to give the long-distance another go, and Richard went back to England in September, and I began looking into fiance visas (K-1). Again, the first month was horrible, but we quickly slipped back into routines of emailing everyday and talking at the weekends. I visited again in January. We thought the visa would come through by April, but it didn't work out that way, again our naiveity. The last few months were very trying. We began texting and talking more, and by the last stretch, we were speaking every day. Richard finally came to America (for the last time, so far!!) on August 21, 2004. We hadn't seen each other in almost nine months.
Our first month together was blissful. We slipped easily into a routine of being together again. It was difficult for Richard not working, but he was actively looking work, and very supportive of what I was going through, working full time and finishing up my master's degree. We took a trip to Las Vegas with our closest friends, and were legally married on September 25, 2004. Since at this point, we had still not even lived in the same country for more then three months, we looked at the marriage as a means to an end, a paperwork issue. No rings were exchanged, no last names changed. Richard found a job and started working January 2, 2005. He got his temporary permanent residence in April 2005. September 2005 his job transferred him to Petaluma, CA. We moved together to the Bay Area, thinking there was no way that we would EVER do long-distance again. Richard received his green card in 2007. We had settled in to our life together, and were doing great until December 2007, when his job transferred him back to Orange County, CA. I was not in a place in my career where I could move. Plus, this move was temporary. He could be in Orange County for six days, weeks, or months. And there was no way of knowing for how long, or where he would be going next.
On December 3, 2007 we became long distance again. It has not been the same as it was before. We have both grown and changed, our relationship has grown and changed after living together for three years. We are both very busy with work and life, and find it hard at times to fit each other in, so we are struggling.
So that brings you all up to date finally. That is our beginning. And here is to the future. My next post will likely be a catharsis, so look forward to some emotional uploading.
However, I have decided to dedicate this post to Richard and our history. Often, when a client first comes in, they feel unsure about where to start, and I usually say the best place to start is the beginning. So this post will be all about our beginning and how we ended up where we are now. This is a long story.
Richard and I met on June 25th, 2002. He had been studying abroad at UCSB and had a group of friends visiting him from England. I had just graduated, and was preparing to move to Long Beach for graduate school. The night we met I was out with two of my best friends, saying goodbye to one of them who was moving home the next day. I saw Richard on the bus on the way downtown, and immediately liked what I saw. On the way home, he was waiting at the bus stop, and after a few drinks, I had the courage to approach him. We all went home together, and Richard and I sat on his balcony talking for hours.
We eventually started seeing each other a few times a week. Both of us knew that our time together would soon be ending, and frequently would wonder when we were together, would this be the last time? But there never ended up being a last time. The barrier that I was trying to maintain to protect my emotions faltered, and I found myself falling in love. Richard ended up moving to Long Beach with me to spend his last month in America with me. One of the worst things that has ever happened to me was taking him to the airport that September. We had agreed that we didn't want to end what we had started. I was planning a trip to England that winter before I had met Richard, so we agreed to see how things went.
That first month was horrible. I missed him so much. I had just started school, I didn't have any friends in Long Beach yet, I didn't have a job. I was devastated. Once the first month past, and I started working, things got easier. I booked my trip for two weeks at Christmas time. I started working full time in October. Time started to move more quickly. We were emailing daily and having long talks on the weekends when the time difference wasn't such an issue. Richard was finishing his master's degree and working as well. With both of us working and going to school full time, we didn't really have time for a relationship, so being long-distance was almost convenient.
I visited at Christmas and met his family. It was a wonderful trip. We decided we wanted to keep things going, and would see each other again in the summer. Richard came on June 26th, 2003. His plan was to get a job, and see how things worked out. We were naive. Turns out, you can't just come to America and get a job. September 11th and the following reform in immigration policies made things much more difficult. He was unable to find an employer that would sponsor a work (H1-B) visa. He had to return to England in September. I was losing hope. I thought I was losing him.
Our last day together, we went to The Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro, CA. We talked a lot about our relationship, our future. We decided the only way we would be able to be together would be to get married. We were both hesitant, we hadn't even lived together in the same city for more then three months. We both felt too young to get married. We thought that it was possibly an irresponsible decision. But the fact was, it was not going to work, this was our only option left. We agreed to give the long-distance another go, and Richard went back to England in September, and I began looking into fiance visas (K-1). Again, the first month was horrible, but we quickly slipped back into routines of emailing everyday and talking at the weekends. I visited again in January. We thought the visa would come through by April, but it didn't work out that way, again our naiveity. The last few months were very trying. We began texting and talking more, and by the last stretch, we were speaking every day. Richard finally came to America (for the last time, so far!!) on August 21, 2004. We hadn't seen each other in almost nine months.
Our first month together was blissful. We slipped easily into a routine of being together again. It was difficult for Richard not working, but he was actively looking work, and very supportive of what I was going through, working full time and finishing up my master's degree. We took a trip to Las Vegas with our closest friends, and were legally married on September 25, 2004. Since at this point, we had still not even lived in the same country for more then three months, we looked at the marriage as a means to an end, a paperwork issue. No rings were exchanged, no last names changed. Richard found a job and started working January 2, 2005. He got his temporary permanent residence in April 2005. September 2005 his job transferred him to Petaluma, CA. We moved together to the Bay Area, thinking there was no way that we would EVER do long-distance again. Richard received his green card in 2007. We had settled in to our life together, and were doing great until December 2007, when his job transferred him back to Orange County, CA. I was not in a place in my career where I could move. Plus, this move was temporary. He could be in Orange County for six days, weeks, or months. And there was no way of knowing for how long, or where he would be going next.
On December 3, 2007 we became long distance again. It has not been the same as it was before. We have both grown and changed, our relationship has grown and changed after living together for three years. We are both very busy with work and life, and find it hard at times to fit each other in, so we are struggling.
So that brings you all up to date finally. That is our beginning. And here is to the future. My next post will likely be a catharsis, so look forward to some emotional uploading.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Everything has a beginning...
Hello world wide web. This is my first attempt at blogging. I have decided to blog about being in a long-distance relationship for a number of reasons. One, is that as an aspiring Marriage and Family Therapist, I hope that the experience will be cathartic. Two, I am hoping to write a book about the subject one day, so I figured a blog may be a good place to start. Three, I am aspiring to use this blog to communicate with others that are in long-distance relationships (from here on out LDRs) to brainstorm topics that could go in a book on the subject, etc. Four, I would like to give advice to people that may be starting fresh in a LDR, since I am an MFT intern (not licensed), and because I have had a successful LDR. Read that as advice, not therapy!! And finally, it may provide some people out there with some entertainment. So this is probably boring as blogs go, but remember, I am a blog virgin. I need to think some more about what I want this to become, talk to my partner about what I can disclose, choose some photos to upload, etc. So I hope to be sharing more about myself and my partner with people out there soon!!
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