Worth the Work

It is Sunday today. I am continuing to prepare for my exam, somewhat half-heartedly. I should be much more motivated than I am considering that keeping my job depends on me successfully passing the exam. But even that reality hasn't helped kick me into gear. I feel very distracted and somewhat depressed. I'm sure part of my low mood has to do with Richard being gone. He has been gone for a week now and is due home shortly and I am very excited to see him and hear about his time away. He was gone first for work and then a quick side trip to visit his newly engaged sister and brother-in-law to be. I feel like I haven't seen him in weeks considering the hours he was putting in before he left for the mainland. I feel anxious about seeing him again.

Today I was doing chores after studying all morning and I experienced a deep sense of loneliness. I truly felt like I am on an island (surprise!) Obviously metaphorically, although this happens to be literally true.

My chores today included ironing. I fucking hate ironing. So to make it less painful, I like to watch episodes of The Office. Today's episode was titled Business Trip, an episode from Season 5. In the episode Pam is in New York and Jim is still in Scranton and they have been long-distance for almost three months. Pam gets news that she is failing one of her courses and she will have to stay an additional three months. She is on the phone to Jim and she says, "Can we do this for another three months?" You can see the disappointment in Jim's eyes, but he offers reassurances. They end their phone call and Pam is sitting alone in tears. At the end of the episode Pam returns to Scranton, giving up her dreams of graphic design saying some dollop about how it turns out she doesn't like graphic design after all, and that she isn't returning just because she misses Jim. Man, this episode pissed me off.

I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. My first thought was "fuck, this isn't real life. People do things all the time that they don't want to do. They make it work." Then I thought, maybe it is real life. Maybe people give up their dreams all the time because they think they don't have another choice. They think that they can't make it work. And yet, how do they decide this without trying? I wonder if these are the people that end up filled with resentment, joining the ranks of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. Or maybe, they find acceptance in the life that they settled for. I'm not a regular viewer of The Office, but I know that Pam gets married, moves into a home with Jim, gets pregnant and seems satisfied with her receptionist job and the area in the garage that she can paint in. All thoughts of a career as an artist, her life in New York, gone. If this is a more accurate depiction of real life, I am glad that I lived in a dream world. I am glad that Richard and I were strong enough in our commitment to both be able to fulfill our career ambitions and responsibilities. And I know that we are not alone. I know that people in the military are challenged with distance constantly. I know people in industries like mining and off-shore drilling are separated from their partners regularly for long periods of time. It isn't ideal, but when you want something, you make it work. Or when you love your work, but you also love your spouse, you make it work. And all I know is that anything worth having requires work. So keep working it.

Ships that Pass in the Night

Sorry it has been so long since I've posted. The usual excuses apply. But thanks to all the people reading from BlogCatalog, I hope you keep reading!

Work was super crazy last week. I won't bore you all with the gory details, but I'm hoping it will be calmer in the coming weeks. I have scheduled to take my exam for Hawaii licensure, so my focus needs to be on preparing for that over the next three weeks. Yes, only three weeks. *Gulp* So posting may be few and far between now and May 21st, unless I start to feel uncharacteristically confident, or I just feel like procrastinating, like I am now.

As far as Richard and I go...well things could be better. Work has been really crazy for him too. Over the last two weeks we haven't spent more than a few hours of quality time together. He frequently works late, but the nights have been getting longer and longer. This past Thursday he got home from work at 1am Friday morning and was up again at 3:30am to head back into the office. I have expressed my concern for his mental and physical health, but I am also starting to feel resentful. I'm trying really hard not to though. I know how demanding his job is, and I need to focus on my work and my studying. I'm really trying to focus on studying, so having him gone is actually a blessing, but it is hard to see it that way. It is easy enough for me to distract myself without him here. Sadly, the fact remains that I do distract myself, with or without him here, so I would much prefer to have him here! At least then I would have a good excuse to not be studying! The bottom line is that I just miss him when he isn't around. He leaves again tomorrow for the mainland again for a week. I hope I take advantage of the time and get lots of studying done. I also hope I can sleep okay without him here and I also really hope that I don't sit around moping instead of studying while he is away. I really thought that we were done with all the missing.

The great part about us though is that we slip right back into place with each other. When he came home early (around 6) on Friday I had the saddest feeling when he first walked through the door that we were becoming strangers. I was surprised to see him so early, and then I felt sad that 6pm on a Friday is "early." We hadn't really talked in about a week but after settling in we got caught up with each other and had a nice night together. So although sometimes it feels like we are just passing ships, when we are finally docked together everything is peaceful in our worlds and I appreciate that, no matter how shortly it lasts.