Quick Check In

Hey world. I am still alive. So is Richard. We are still together. I have a LOT to update you on and I am in the middle of a really long post. But I am running out of laptop battery so I wanted to get something up quickly just to say hello and and say we are okay and going strong.

I also really wanted to let you all know that that Richard and I are featured in the new (January, Natalie Portman on cover) US version of Marie Claire magazine. There is a section called the Careerist and the feature is on the new commuter marriages, AKA long-distance marriages. So check it out and put a face to a blog! It is small, and I think the quotes that she chose sound way out of context of the entire interview and background story I provided to her, but hey, it is what it is. So hurry before the February issue comes out, which will be next week. Sorry so late getting this up. You will know why after my next post!

Thanks for reading!

Major Update Part One-September to November

Wow, how time flies. I have been putting off this post and putting off this post for far too long. In my head it had only been about three weeks or so since my last post. But I now realize that I haven't posted in close to two months. I was putting off the post because I had so much to write about that I never seemed to have enough time to just sit down and hammer it all out. Turns out when you do that, just more things happen to write about. It's a vicious cycle.

So I have found myself in a place where I have more time to write about all the latest. However, I don't have a reliable Internet connection. And now I am running out of battery at the free wi-fi place I located. So this may end up being a two or three part ordeal. How is that for suspense?! Plus, I don't want it to turn into a TL;DR.

I don't feel right giving an update without proper background information. So let us back track to September. Richard called me one evening and said "my work asked me to go to Hawaii...what do you think?" So this led to weeks and weeks of talking, researching, analyzing and of course indecisiveness, changing of minds and opinions, and lots of pros and cons discussions. I was hesitant to get on board with relocating because my job was really pushing talk of offering me a promotion and a raise. I knew it would not be a large raise, but just the new title and position would be resume bolstering and would really help my career in the future. So that led to some of my hesitation. Richard heard stories of island fever and the high cost of living, which led to his hesitation and we both just could not make a decision.

So all of this back and forth contributed to my October 23rd post. I wanted to move to Hawaii, but I knew it would involve a lot of work, change and adjustment. I also wanted my promotion. I wanted to feel validated about what I had given to my employers over the last two and half years. I wanted to finally be valued for my performance and skill level, which far exceeded some of my colleagues on the same salary. I wanted my decision to not move to Southern California with Richard to be further validated by the promotion and raise. I already felt it was validated by my licensure in May. But the months since May seemed to be...pointless in a way. We were both scared about living together with the uncertainty of his location and the downward economy. But besides that, I was living in Northern California and spending at least $300, but usually more, on flights per month for no good reason. Although we had developed a working system, why were we really doing it? Despite the system working, we were growing distant.

So on October 23rd, Richard verbally agreed to go to Hawaii. It seemed like it was time to start planning and celebrating. But then, everything just stalled. An official relocation package letter was due the following week, and the week after, and the week after. You get the idea. We began to speculate why they didn't want to give him the official letter. We began to say things like maybe it is for the best that we don't go, maybe the promotion will come through, maybe something better will come up in California.

But none of those things happened. We just lived in flux for weeks. I grew very impatient. My employers never came through on their promise. I was given additional tasks and responsibilities, but I was NOT given more money and I was NOT given a new title. In fact, I was told I would not get either of those things and I was told this in a way that made it sound like those details didn't matter, and that I did not have a right to expect them. Well, it mattered to me. I realized I was staying in Northern California for nothing. I had no future with that agency. The job that I loved became a point of contention, a severe source of resentment. The apartment I loved became suffocating. The absence of my partner in my life there became a resounding, formidable silence.

This is a good place to break for part two.

Not Enjoying the Silence

It has been too long since I've posted. I wish I had a better excuse, but I don't. It hasn't been a lack of things to discuss or explore. Just general apathy with a touch of malaise.

I really, REALLY wanted this post to be the one where I said we were headed towards living together again. Things at his job were coming up and it looked really promising. And then it just fizzled out. It has been four or five weeks now since it first came up. I haven't completely given up hope yet, but it doesn't look good. We are coming up on our third Friday where we would "know for sure today." Let us see if this Friday turns out to be as disappointing as the others.

So that leaves us...here. Still. In two weeks, it will be the two year anniversary of us being apart. An anniversary I am not looking forward to. I didn't really think it would come. I didn't think we would let it come. I thought we had a plan. I thought I was going to get my license and head to wherever he was. I thought his station would be permanent by then. This was only a six month assignment. And yet, here we are. 24 months later. Twenty four months.

Part of me is losing hope that we can keep this up for much longer. But there are no alternatives. He will not quit his job. I cannot quit mine. There are no jobs in Southern California in my field. I do not want to move down there and start a private practice. That would anchor me there, and he is willing to go "wherever" his company sends him. Or rather, unwilling to set boundaries with his company on where he will go. Additionally and understandably, he is also hesitant to agree to financially support me while I attempt to make a successful practice in Southern California. So I can't take the risk of moving down there to end up in a regrettable situation. Whether it be becoming long-distance again, or our relationship strained and failing because of financial hardship.

When we are together, things are great. But when we are apart, it just isn't. He doesn't have internet at home anymore, so no more Skype. When we do talk on the phone, there isn't much to say. Conversations typically look like this:

"Hi."
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"Fine, how are you?"
"Fine. How was your day?"
"Shit. How was your day?"
"Shit. What are you doing now?"
"Eating and going to bed. You?"
"Eating and going to bed."
Silence.
"Okay, well goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow."

Wow. So....intense. So much sharing. Whatever happened to those sleepless nights spent talking all night? I'm not convinced things would be all that different if we did live together. But at least we could connect in other ways. Which we do when we are together. Which is what inspires me to just keep fucking going.

I used to really try to focus on the positive. I loved my job, my apartment, my independent life here. But my job is tanking, my career at a total standstill. My apartment is just four walls, and my life will follow me. I will not lose what I have made here. My good friends will stay my good friends and I will find more good friends elsewhere. I don't like sounding so dismal, but I'm just fed up. I want my partner back in my life full-time.

We spent the past weekend together and it was really nice. He held me in his arms on his bed as I cried about how much I missed that. Just simple hugs in simple moments. I'm really looking forward to a long break together over Thanksgiving. But what I am looking forward to most of all is finding a way to end this distance.

A Hint of Something in the Air

I feel it. Changes are coming. Big ones. And I am freaking out.

Of course I want to be back living with Richard. But after nearly two years, I have really grown used to things being the way they are. Which just supports the theory that no matter how awkward or awful your situation is, you become accustomed. You acclimate. It becomes comfortable. Which breeds resistance to change. I would like to think that I am adaptable, but I get very comfortable. And when I'm comfy, I don't like shifting around. I love my apartment, I love my neighborhood, I love my friends, I love my work (sometimes), I love my life, except for the bit about never seeing my partner. And even that seems to be working lately.

So what happens when we live together again? I'm trying to remember what it was like before, when he first came back from England for good in 2004. My memory thinks that the transition was flawless. That we just naturally fell into a wonderful, blissful coexistence and cohabitation. Now I'm wondering if that was true, if that was his experience as well. Regardless, it will be different this time. We are different people. We are five years older. We are in different places professionally and geographically. Which leads to the question of how and when this anticipated reunion will come to pass. Will he be moving? Will I be moving? Will we both be moving? When will these questions be answered? And the biggest question of all, what will it be like for us?

I'm thinking about what it will be like again to have his clothes strewn everywhere. To have cabinet doors left open. To have the tiny hairs from when he shaves left all over the bathroom sink. To have five glasses of water left all over the house. To have him in bed with me again EVERY night. To cuddle on the couch while we watch television. To talk about how our days were in person. To hold hands and go for walks. To spend all day in bed if we want and not feel like we HAVE to get out and do something since we only get eight days together a month. Wow, the more I think, the more I realize that things will be just fine. So winds of change, bring it on.

New Template

I got tired of the old template, I'd like to hear feedback on the new one!

Guest Writing

Please check out my featured article for PS Miss You! I hope to collaborate with these lovely ladies again in the future.

Forecasting Plans

Wow time does seem to have a way of just going on by. It has been too long since I have posted, but not without good reason. First of all, I must admit that I am lucky to have my day job because it turns out that I am a crappy forecaster! In my last post I lamented about Richard talking about coming to see me the first weekend of the month, and how unrealistic that was considering everything else that was going on. I believe the comment was something to the effect of him coming to visit being as likely as snow in San Francisco. Well, I won't be too hard on myself because Richard did go back and forth on the whole idea the entire month of September, right up until the last minute. As I was making plans to go meet a girlfriend for dinner, he called me late afternoon to say that he would like to book a flight, if it was okay with me. Needless to say, yes it was very okay with me. It worked out great, I still saw my friend for dinner and swung by the airport on the way home to pick him up. It was a shorter visit than what we are used to, but it was really great having him in my space again.

The best part about the visit was that it was only four days until I got to see him again! I flew down south last Thursday and stayed my usual four nights. Even more exciting, that Friday Richard went to work and came home again before I even got in the shower! Being that such an event is so unusual, I was not able to post last week. This past weekend was also different because we had a solid itinerary for the weekend. We are chronic offenders in the 'what do you want to do?' 'I don't know, what do you want to do?' game. And that game gets old very quickly. At any rate, having the itinerary seemed to make the weekend run a lot more smoothly, so we are going to try to make an effort to make solid plans more often. That is a lot easier said than done. Especially when Richard is involved. He is terrible at making up his mind. Also, money is often an issue, since we spend so much money per month traveling. But the real obstacle is finding things that we both like doing, or compromising and finding things to do together. So I will be looking forward to reporting back on how we do. We see each other again next weekend. And so far, we have no plans. All I know is that it is great that we are back in our normal routine. I don't think we will go longer than two weeks without seeing each other for the rest of the year! So I hope we can come up with some good plans over all those weekends, especially over the holidays.

Speaking of planning, it continues to be strenuous still not having a clue what our long-term plan is. I continue to apply for jobs in Southern California, with no luck. And we continue to patiently wait to see what Richard's job has in store for him. It seems that some exciting things are in the pipeline, so hopefully we will have some more important planning to do in the near future. But for now, we better get started on next weekend.